Trust and Believe

February 23. 2017

Day 54: The Power is His:
"I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe him. This is the same and mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God's right hand in the heavenly realms." —Ephesians 1:19-20

Anderson shares a story about a woman named Erin who came in to see him for a regular checkup. She had some abdominal pain and had lost some weight, but felt that everything was fine. Come to find out she had cancer of the kidneys and the best that the good doctor could offer her was a promise "to do everything [he could] to make [her] journey as pain-free and comfortable as possible." He, of course, also prayed that God would comfort and heal her. The story is a reminder for us to "prepare [our] heart and soul for eternity before [we] are confronted with the reality of [our] mortality, and to above all "trust God."

In the story about Erin I notice several times that she tells Dr. Anderson that she believes that everything is fine, as if she is trying to convince herself that abdominal pain and weight loss are nothing to be concerned about. She only marked abdominal pain because the chart had asked about it. Although Anderson doesn't talk about her denial, it stuck out to me.  I think many of us are in denial, thinking all is well and ignoring the signs that would suggest otherwise.

I know for me there were signs that my child was struggling with gender dysphoria and I didn't wake up and begin to really engage with what was going on until he told me he was transgender. A part of me hoped that the dysphoria he felt was a phase that he was going through. I thought I was handling everything fine. I bought him binders and boy clothes and watched for when he would change in the middle of the day from feminine to masculine clothing. I thought I was doing all I could to help him ease the pain of hating his feminine body and aspects, but I wasn't. Before I understood the severity of his dysphoria and that he was trans, (when he was toying around with masculine names) I told him that I wouldn't call him anything other than Maddie, but that I'd gladly introduce him to others as whatever name he chose. I had no idea how damaging such a statement could be to someone with gender dysphoria. It wasn't until he said, I am boy and I can't be this girl that I am supposed to be anymore, that I realized we needed help—far beyond a mere change of clothes. At that point, I was all in. Whatever clothes, whatever name, whatever needed to be done and at whatever cost, that was what I would do.

I ordered books to help me understand what he was going through and made an appointment with a psychologist to get the ball rolling on helping him transition. I read the statistics on transgender teen suicide and cried myself to sleep praying that my son would not feel so hopeless that he'd give up. I let my heart break at losing a daughter and rejoiced at gaining a son. I helped him shop for a new wardrobe and repainted his bedroom furniture with a lump in my throat. I called family members with my heart racing hoping they would understand and not judge my son or my husband and I for supporting him. I wish I had realized what my son was experiencing and that I would have reached out for help sooner. Those first months as we waited to see the psychologist were unsettling and at times terrifying. I feel incredibly fortunate that he trusted us enough to be honest about the thoughts he was having, especially in regards to suicidal ideation. I'm deeply grateful that we are through the worst of it. He is on testosterone and is the happiest he has been in years.

Though the great pain of letting go of my daughter has lessened, I still feel deeply concerned about my son's future. I know all parents worry about such things, but this concern goes beyond the worries of whether he will find an occupation that he enjoys, whether he will be able to support himself, and whether he will be successful and find love. I worry about the discrimination he may face, the mistreatment he may experience because of who he is and whether he will be able to stand strong in the thick of it. I'm concerned about whether insurance companies will cover him and whether the government will protect him and his rights (which if yesterday's Executive Order is any indication, the answer to that is No!).  I worry if he will be safe physically and emotionally in a world that fears what it does not understand.

As I grapple with these concerns, the only consolation I may find is that ultimately God is in control. I must trust and believe though my heart breaks.