Torn

February 20, 2017

Day 51: Torn Between Two Worlds:
"To me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.  But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ.  So I really don't know which is better.  I'm torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live. Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith." —Philippians 1:21-25

Anderson says that this is the verse that spoke to him when he was renewing his faith in God. As I mentioned before, his wife, when she and Anderson were in college, had to memorize all of Philippians, and in order to see her, Anderson had to help her by quizzing her. She would not date him or hang out with him otherwise. Tricksy woman, but effective in helping Anderson come back to God. Anderson also says that, at this time when he was helping his future wife, he had a dream in which he went to heaven and saw his two best friends who had been murdered. They were happy and completely "restored to wholeness." They told him "not to blame God." He says, "That little glimpse of eternity made me never want to leave, but God let me know very clearly that I had work yet to do on earth."

I believe I had my own glimpse of heaven when I was a teen (I mentioned it in a former post), so I can understand how Anderson felt in not wanting to leave. It's amazing really how easily we can forget those fantastical moments and even the more common place ones in which God reaches down to shield and protect us.

The scripture that Anderson uses for today reminds me of my brother. Yes, the one I have spoken of before. I think he has the same attitude of Paul when he was writing to the Philippians. I seem to remember hearing him say something very similar to this, especially the part of being able to do more good alive than if he were to die, but passing away would be just as fine with him.

Today I woke up feeling like following God is a constant struggle. Why is that? All I have been thinking about is God and trying to find a definitive answer to whether or not He accepts my child as he is? I read one thing and I believe, yes, He accepts my child. Then I read something else and think, no, no He doesn't. It's a perversion of his plan and he sees it like any other sin. It's truly enough to drive me mad.  I wish God would just tell me, all is well and do not fear.  Love your child, support your child. Help him become the person I want him to be. Show him who I really am. Be an example to him of Christ's love. Guide him, do not reject him.  Follow me, trust me, for I am faithful.  

I hear those words in my mind and think, is this God's Holy Spirit talking to me, or am I just telling myself what I want to hear. There have been quite a few times, especially throughout December of this past year (2016), that I wanted God to just take me away. Remove me from the picture because I could do no better than I already had. When I was feeling that way, I could hear God saying, That is not true.  I had more to give and He wanted me to give it. So today's scripture rings true for me. How can I help my son and my husband come to know God if I am no longer with them? How can I be an example of Christ's love in the world if I am no longer in it?

What bothers me the most I suppose is the constant back and forth in my mind and attitude. One minute I feel secure in the knowledge that God accepts my child, the next I am full of doubt and misgivings. I can't help but wonder if those misgivings are coming from God, or if they are remnants of former teachings that I can't seem to shake. I hear my brother and leaders of my former church telling me that the reason I cannot find peace with this is because God does not approve. If I had God's approval, then I would find peace. So which is it? How can I shake my doubts once and for all? How do I find peace with this? The only thing that I know with any certainty is that I could never reject my child. I could never turn my back on him. That is simply something that I could never do. I'd rather die, honestly, than to make my child feel that he was "less than," that he was unsupported, that he was unloved because of something he felt, something that was beyond his control.

My son has not believed in God for a long time, nor has he wanted to, but I always felt that there was a chance that his perspective would change. Even when he came out as gay, then gender fluid, I still believed there was a chance. Now I feel like his being transgender has further separated him from God and any desire he may have had to seek Him out for himself. It seems to be an insurmountable wall because my son believes that God does not love him and accept him for who he is, so why should he believe in someone like that?  Someone who would judge him and condemn him for something that is beyond his control? He has told me that I personally have not contributed to that view, but that so much of what he has seen of Christianity has and he wants none of it.

I can understand how he feels. I imagine that I would feel the same way if I was in his position. How can I help my son have a clear view of God, or any constructive view of what it is to follow Christ, if I cannot see clearly myself? If I have doubts and are so torn, how can I reflect what it is to be whole and at peace in Christ?

There are no hard and fast answers to these questions, but I can take comfort in the fact that God is faithful.  Today, I am torn, but who knows what tomorrow brings?