Luckily, God Had A Different Plan

February 28, 2017

Day 59:  Old Patterns Become New:
"God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him."
—Philippians 2:13

Some old feelings reared their ugly heads as I read today's scripture. I don't know why that happens and I truly wish it wouldn't, but here it is all the same. When I read that God gives us "the desire and power to do what pleases him," I thought, of course he does. It's all about Him. Honestly, why do I cop such an attitude, especially out of the blue? I don't feel that way right now (now that several moments have passed). I'm glad that He gives me the desire and power to do what pleases Him—which is essentially to do what is right and good for me and others. So why the attitude? ARG!

Today Anderson shares about another man (Ernie) who came to him suffering with depression. He didn't realize that he was, he just knew that something wasn't right. Nothing was making him happy. He told Dr. Anderson, "I just don't feel well. Every day, my job is the same monotonous grind. It pays all right, but it's not very exciting. I've got a great family, but I feel like we're stuck in a rut... I don't know; I just feel like nothing is going to change or get better until I die. Some days, I think maybe everything would be better if I died."

Sadly, I can relate to how Ernie felt. I was in a similar situation years ago. It was a few years after my mother had passed away.  I remember standing for the national anthem, looking around my classroom at all of the inspirational posters and thinking, I used to believe in what these posters say. I used to feel my life. I can't feel my life anymore...which of course led to other thoughts of doubt and despair and wishing it was over. It was not a good time for my husband and me. We were in a considerable amount of debt and we were emotionally estranged (church was the main contributing factor to that). I was doing more than my body, mind and spirit could take. As a teacher I would work 15-16 hours a day Monday through Friday then at least another 20 over the weekend, I was attending all of the church activities (bible talks, family groups, Sarah's Daughters, discipleship times, Sun/Wed services...) taking care of all of the household duties (cleaning, shopping, maintaining) including yard maintenance, plus taking care of Levi who was 4 at the time. It's exhausting just listing it.

I remember going to see my naturopathic physician, the one who delivered my son. I felt I just couldn't take anymore and I was concerned about the thoughts I was having. Thoughts like perhaps I'll just drive my car off this overpass. That is not easy to admit, but I was there. She told me that I should tell my husband that he can start helping me or she could drug me, either way it was going to lead to needing drugs if something didn't change. I shared that with Kevin and he tried, but nothing changed all that much. He did the yard work once in awhile and started picking up after himself a bit more. Housework and other physical work was simply not his thing—still isn't.  I found a way to get through it and managed to strike a balance. It took leaving my church to do so, but it was the best thing for me and for us.

As I have mentioned before, I was away from church for many years, but during that time, Kevin and I rebuilt our relationship and renewed our love for each other. I found my best friend again. He was there all along and I was missing it. As sad as it may be, breaking the old pattern of attending church is what saved my marriage and maybe even my life. Of all the things that were running me into the ground, the church had the most profound impact. Luckily, God had a different plan for me. He gave me the courage to leave my church, to fall in love again, and finally, after what has seemed like many years, "the desire and power to do what pleases him."