My Child is Holy

February 9, 2017

Day 40:  Get A Little R&R, Not A Tombstone With RIP:
"Why am I discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad?  I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you." —Psalm 42:5-6

Anderson's lesson today focuses on our need to take a break from the world and recharge our souls. I was attempting to do that this morning, but instead I began my day feeling overwhelmed by a great sense of powerlessness, not just to make changes in the direction our government is taking, but also to help people understand that my child did not choose to be transgender. He has struggled his entire life with trying to meet society's expectations of what it means to be a girl. He has felt guilt at not being able to meet those expectations and intense despair as he has watched his body betray him. He has been disappointed and angry with himself for not being able to "just be the girl" he is supposed to be. My husband and I tried to alleviate those feelings by letting him know that he has not disappointed us, that we have never had any expectations regarding what it means to be female and that we love him for who he is, not what gender he is. The first few months of his transition were intensely emotional (for me and for him). The most difficult part was waiting for the first appointment with the psychologist. It was during that time that we visited the Crisis Center (twice) because of the suicidal ideation he was experiencing. That was the worst part for me—the thought that I could lose my child and that he was in such turmoil.

Although those first months were painful, we have been incredibly blessed in that we moved quickly through the process of seeing the psychologist and getting her approval for hormone therapy, to seeing the psychiatrist and getting her to agree with the psychologist's evaluation and then finally to the endocrinologist to start testosterone. My son, Levi, has been on T for three and a half months now and the changes in his outlook, overall attitude, and acceptance of himself has been incredible. It is a blessing to be able to allow him to go for walks by himself and to stay home alone without fear.

Today he turns 17. So this morning, as I was having my coffee, I was, of course, thinking about him, which led me to thinking about some of my family and even some of my friends. I have friends who I know do not truly support my son and are only polite about his transition, which is fine.  I appreciate the fact that they withhold their judgement at least outwardly. What I have a harder time with is family who do not support our decision to help our son become his authentic self. I feel like they believe that my son is going to hell and if I support him, then I am doing him a great disservice—a disservice that has eternal consequences. My brother, who I have always been closest to and who is someone I have admired and respected my entire life, is one of those family members. I feel judged as a mother and as a Christian—as if I am not good at either. I know that he understands that I am in a difficult situation (my trans son and my husband are both non believers) and he does not envy my position at all. However, I also know that he feels that I should be strong, stand firm, and not give in to what he feels is just a desire that my son has. I know that he believes that if my son believed in God, then he would remain female. When I held back tears and explained to him that my child is the soul within, not the body, he said, "Exactly!" The argument that I thought was in my favor, is actually in his favor as well. I get it. I know what he means. He thinks that I should be praying for my son's soul. If he had a relationship with God, then God would help him overcome his sinful desire to be male and not accept the body that God has placed him in.

Those thoughts led me to remember other conversations and other visits I've had with my brother. Since my son was born, I have spent at least two weeks each summer at my brother's house and the last few years I have gone at Christmas time too. We've had many wonderful times together, but I feel our relationship is changing and that is profoundly heartbreaking to me. It's hard to think about being with him, when I know how he feels. This last Christmas was incredibly uncomfortable, but it did spark a desire for me to renew my relationship with God.

Thus this blog.  As I have said, I wanted to feel God's love.  My brother's perspective of God (at least how he presents it to me most often) is the same one that I have been accustomed to—God as judge and punisher of evil who will only bless those who obey and bow to Him. What it all really boils down to is that I want to know that God is not going to condemn my child for being a male born in a female body. I want to know that he loves my child and my husband and is working for their good, even though they do not believe in Him...yet. I know that the scripture says that He works for the good of those who love Him.

I am the one who loves Him.

"For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."  —1 Corinthians 7:14.