I Choose Love

February 13, 2017

Day 44:  Unfailing Love Makes The Difference:
"Each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life." —Psalm 42:8

Today's anecdote is about a woman named Lisa who was addicted to heroine. Dr. Anderson met her at a detox unit that he was working at. She had been in rehab "five or six times to get straightened out...but this time it [was] going to be different." Dr. Anderson was used to hearing such statements "several times a night, every night," but Lisa seemed convinced that this time would be different. She told Dr. Anderson that she had walked into a little church down the street, and that the preacher had told her that Jesus loves her and would forgive her—"no matter what [she's] done, no matter how bad [her] sin has been." She could be freed from her addiction. All she had to do was "ask for forgiveness and believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and Jesus would wash [her] white as snow."

While she was detoxing and her cravings were the strongest, Dr. Anderson and the others "heard Lisa reading out loud from the Bible or singing from the hymnal." Anderson says that by time she went home "Lisa had been healed by the unfailing love of God."

Although I love the story and hope beyond hope that Lisa remained clean, I am skeptical. Perhaps it's because I know a drug addict. Similar things have happened in his life, yet he is back in jail and for a far worse offense than drugs. I realize that Anderson's story does not suggest that everything will be sunshine and roses for Lisa, but I wish he would have put something in there to suggest that she would continually need to turn to God if she desired to be fully delivered from her addiction. Perhaps he doesn't because it's a no brainer.  Of course she will need to continually turn to God. We all need to continually turn to God.

I have to be honest. When I first read today's scripture I had such a great sense of hope, but the story made me feel skeptical and critical and tired. Earlier this morning and actually the last few days I have been feeling like knowing God and trying to be what he wants me to be makes me unhappy and exhausted. It's a constant battle. However it dawned on me as to why I was feeling that way. The last few days I've been texting back and forth with my brother (the one I spoke of in "My Child is Holy"), and although our conversations were civil, they left me feeling second guessed. I feel as if my brother believes he's on the moral high ground, but plays it off as if God will be the judge. It's like he wants me to believe that he is not judging me, it's God. He encouraged me to "keep studying God's word; keep praying; keep attending [my] church." The part that makes me feel second guessed is when he said, "If you truly want God to speak through His Word, have no hidden agendas as you read and pray. Let the Spirit speak."  The "hidden agendas" just reminds me of things that were said to me in my old church (ICC).  It was a trigger for me. I tend to associate my brother's vision of God with my former church's vision of God and it just tears me down and wears me out. His statements to me make me feel as if he believes he doesn't need to say anything further to me about being wrong in supporting my transgender son; God will say it to me—if I will listen and not have "hidden agendas." It just urks me to no end.

So, what to do about that?  I could allow it to destroy all that I have accomplished in the last few months. I could sink into despair and view God as the big policeman in the sky ready to give a smack down, or I can let it go and simply continue building my relationship with God by focusing on God's love.

I choose Love.