A Safe Distance

February 26, 2017

This weekend I went to a women's retreat with my church so I didn't get to post yesterday.  Now that I am home again, I'll catch up on what Dr. Anderson's lessons were the last few days.

Day 56: Sensing Another World:
"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish.  No one can snatch them away from me."
—John 10:28

In day 56, Anderson shares a story about a ninety-two year old woman woman named Annemarie. She came to his office specifically to be very clear about what she desired at the end of her earthly life. She knew that her body was wearing out. This sweet lady with the "voice of royalty," told him that when her heart stops she does not want to be resuscitated. "I do not—repeat, I do not—want anyone to try to restart it.  If I wake up from being dead, I will be quite upset." I laughed a little at reading that—she'll "be quite upset." Anderson reassured her that her wishes would be followed and explained that "if God is calling us forward, nothing on this side of eternity can pull us back."

I think I would have liked to have met Annemarie.

Day 57: Let Go To Move On:
"When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge agains, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."—Mark 11:25

Day 57 is focused on a man named Ricky whose wife died of cancer. He never forgave his wife's doctor for her passing away. He felt that the doctor didn't do enough to save his wife. Now after years of harboring resentment over his loss, Ricky came to Dr. Anderson because he had headaches, couldn't sleep, and was dropping a concerning amount of weight. Dr. Anderson knew right away that it was depression, but he ordered blood work, a CT scan of his head and other tests, just to "rule out other possible causes of his symptoms." He explained to Ricky that he was suffering from depression and that he really needed to not blame the doctor, or his wife, or himself. "If you want to heal," he told him, "you're going to have to let go of your grudge."

I can relate to how Ricky felt, but I wouldn't say that I blamed any particular doctor for my mother's death. However, most of us in the family felt that the doctors in Kingman were second rate and didn't do enough for my mother. I know my dad wishes that he would have taken my mother somewhere else, but as Anderson told Annemarie, "if God is calling [you home] nothing on this side of eternity can pull [you] back."

As far as holding a grudge, I have seen first hand the damage that can do to a person and their relationships with others. My step-mother, who I wrote about previously, is such a person. Because she cannot forgive others for things that happened in her past, she has alienated many people in her life, the most heartbreaking person being her son. I wish she could find a way to let go. I know if she did, she would be able to heal not only herself but her relationships as well.

I personally feel as if I have forgiven people who have hurt me, but have I really? Am I truly without grudges? When I think of things that happened to me and were said to me while I was a member of ICC, I still feel quite strongly about it. My relationship with one friend in particular has forever changed; it will never be what it once was. I would still do anything to help her, but I am guarded. She can have my time, my ear, my energy, but not my heart. I'm not sure that is true forgiveness. It seems that it would not be. I don't wish her harm and truly only wish the best for her, but I am not willing to give my heart. By that I mean, I am not willing to share with her my deepest thoughts, I am not willing to be vulnerable and open. I wonder if that would change if I was to be around her more. Would I open my heart to her once again?

Currently, I like the safe distance, but would I want God to keep me at a "safe distance?" I think not.