February 28, 2017
Day 59: Old Patterns Become New:
"God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him."
—Philippians 2:13
Some old feelings reared their ugly heads as I read today's scripture. I don't know why that happens and I truly wish it wouldn't, but here it is all the same. When I read that God gives us "the desire and power to do what pleases him," I thought, of course he does. It's all about Him. Honestly, why do I cop such an attitude, especially out of the blue? I don't feel that way right now (now that several moments have passed). I'm glad that He gives me the desire and power to do what pleases Him—which is essentially to do what is right and good for me and others. So why the attitude? ARG!
Today Anderson shares about another man (Ernie) who came to him suffering with depression. He didn't realize that he was, he just knew that something wasn't right. Nothing was making him happy. He told Dr. Anderson, "I just don't feel well. Every day, my job is the same monotonous grind. It pays all right, but it's not very exciting. I've got a great family, but I feel like we're stuck in a rut... I don't know; I just feel like nothing is going to change or get better until I die. Some days, I think maybe everything would be better if I died."
Sadly, I can relate to how Ernie felt. I was in a similar situation years ago. It was a few years after my mother had passed away. I remember standing for the national anthem, looking around my classroom at all of the inspirational posters and thinking, I used to believe in what these posters say. I used to feel my life. I can't feel my life anymore...which of course led to other thoughts of doubt and despair and wishing it was over. It was not a good time for my husband and me. We were in a considerable amount of debt and we were emotionally estranged (church was the main contributing factor to that). I was doing more than my body, mind and spirit could take. As a teacher I would work 15-16 hours a day Monday through Friday then at least another 20 over the weekend, I was attending all of the church activities (bible talks, family groups, Sarah's Daughters, discipleship times, Sun/Wed services...) taking care of all of the household duties (cleaning, shopping, maintaining) including yard maintenance, plus taking care of Levi who was 4 at the time. It's exhausting just listing it.
I remember going to see my naturopathic physician, the one who delivered my son. I felt I just couldn't take anymore and I was concerned about the thoughts I was having. Thoughts like perhaps I'll just drive my car off this overpass. That is not easy to admit, but I was there. She told me that I should tell my husband that he can start helping me or she could drug me, either way it was going to lead to needing drugs if something didn't change. I shared that with Kevin and he tried, but nothing changed all that much. He did the yard work once in awhile and started picking up after himself a bit more. Housework and other physical work was simply not his thing—still isn't. I found a way to get through it and managed to strike a balance. It took leaving my church to do so, but it was the best thing for me and for us.
As I have mentioned before, I was away from church for many years, but during that time, Kevin and I rebuilt our relationship and renewed our love for each other. I found my best friend again. He was there all along and I was missing it. As sad as it may be, breaking the old pattern of attending church is what saved my marriage and maybe even my life. Of all the things that were running me into the ground, the church had the most profound impact. Luckily, God had a different plan for me. He gave me the courage to leave my church, to fall in love again, and finally, after what has seemed like many years, "the desire and power to do what pleases him."
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
It takes Courage
February 27, 2017
Day 58: Touching The Robe Of Jesus:
"[The woman] had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. For she thought to herself, 'If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.' Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed from her terrible condition. Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out of him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked, 'Who touched my robe?' His disciples said to him, 'Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, Who touched me?' But he kept on looking around to see who had done it. Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told him what she had done. And he said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over," —Mark 5:27-34
Anderson asks, "How close do we try to get to Jesus when we feel unclean? Do we press our way through the crowd? Or do we give up, afraid that others will see how sick we are?
I have always loved this story because the woman had such faith in the power of Jesus and that faith was rewarded. To answer Anderson's question of how close I come to Jesus when I feel unclean—well, first of all, I don't like that word "unclean," but I'd say more often than not, I hide for awhile. I try to get myself right on my own, which doesn't really work. I am, at times, afraid to be open and honest with others about where I am at because I don't want them to judge me and think that I will never rise above it, or that I won't change, or that the way I am feeling at that moment somehow is a reflection of my true character and that is all that I am. It takes courage to admit where you're at, to acknowledge when you've fallen into despair and need someone to help you see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. It takes courage to "press our way through the crowd" and "not give up," even when we are "afraid others will see how sick we are?"
It takes courage.
Day 58: Touching The Robe Of Jesus:
"[The woman] had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. For she thought to herself, 'If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.' Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed from her terrible condition. Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out of him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked, 'Who touched my robe?' His disciples said to him, 'Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, Who touched me?' But he kept on looking around to see who had done it. Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told him what she had done. And he said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over," —Mark 5:27-34
Anderson asks, "How close do we try to get to Jesus when we feel unclean? Do we press our way through the crowd? Or do we give up, afraid that others will see how sick we are?
I have always loved this story because the woman had such faith in the power of Jesus and that faith was rewarded. To answer Anderson's question of how close I come to Jesus when I feel unclean—well, first of all, I don't like that word "unclean," but I'd say more often than not, I hide for awhile. I try to get myself right on my own, which doesn't really work. I am, at times, afraid to be open and honest with others about where I am at because I don't want them to judge me and think that I will never rise above it, or that I won't change, or that the way I am feeling at that moment somehow is a reflection of my true character and that is all that I am. It takes courage to admit where you're at, to acknowledge when you've fallen into despair and need someone to help you see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. It takes courage to "press our way through the crowd" and "not give up," even when we are "afraid others will see how sick we are?"
It takes courage.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
A Safe Distance
February 26, 2017
This weekend I went to a women's retreat with my church so I didn't get to post yesterday. Now that I am home again, I'll catch up on what Dr. Anderson's lessons were the last few days.
Day 56: Sensing Another World:
"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me."
—John 10:28
In day 56, Anderson shares a story about a ninety-two year old woman woman named Annemarie. She came to his office specifically to be very clear about what she desired at the end of her earthly life. She knew that her body was wearing out. This sweet lady with the "voice of royalty," told him that when her heart stops she does not want to be resuscitated. "I do not—repeat, I do not—want anyone to try to restart it. If I wake up from being dead, I will be quite upset." I laughed a little at reading that—she'll "be quite upset." Anderson reassured her that her wishes would be followed and explained that "if God is calling us forward, nothing on this side of eternity can pull us back."
I think I would have liked to have met Annemarie.
Day 57: Let Go To Move On:
"When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge agains, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."—Mark 11:25
Day 57 is focused on a man named Ricky whose wife died of cancer. He never forgave his wife's doctor for her passing away. He felt that the doctor didn't do enough to save his wife. Now after years of harboring resentment over his loss, Ricky came to Dr. Anderson because he had headaches, couldn't sleep, and was dropping a concerning amount of weight. Dr. Anderson knew right away that it was depression, but he ordered blood work, a CT scan of his head and other tests, just to "rule out other possible causes of his symptoms." He explained to Ricky that he was suffering from depression and that he really needed to not blame the doctor, or his wife, or himself. "If you want to heal," he told him, "you're going to have to let go of your grudge."
I can relate to how Ricky felt, but I wouldn't say that I blamed any particular doctor for my mother's death. However, most of us in the family felt that the doctors in Kingman were second rate and didn't do enough for my mother. I know my dad wishes that he would have taken my mother somewhere else, but as Anderson told Annemarie, "if God is calling [you home] nothing on this side of eternity can pull [you] back."
As far as holding a grudge, I have seen first hand the damage that can do to a person and their relationships with others. My step-mother, who I wrote about previously, is such a person. Because she cannot forgive others for things that happened in her past, she has alienated many people in her life, the most heartbreaking person being her son. I wish she could find a way to let go. I know if she did, she would be able to heal not only herself but her relationships as well.
I personally feel as if I have forgiven people who have hurt me, but have I really? Am I truly without grudges? When I think of things that happened to me and were said to me while I was a member of ICC, I still feel quite strongly about it. My relationship with one friend in particular has forever changed; it will never be what it once was. I would still do anything to help her, but I am guarded. She can have my time, my ear, my energy, but not my heart. I'm not sure that is true forgiveness. It seems that it would not be. I don't wish her harm and truly only wish the best for her, but I am not willing to give my heart. By that I mean, I am not willing to share with her my deepest thoughts, I am not willing to be vulnerable and open. I wonder if that would change if I was to be around her more. Would I open my heart to her once again?
Currently, I like the safe distance, but would I want God to keep me at a "safe distance?" I think not.
This weekend I went to a women's retreat with my church so I didn't get to post yesterday. Now that I am home again, I'll catch up on what Dr. Anderson's lessons were the last few days.
Day 56: Sensing Another World:
"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me."
—John 10:28
In day 56, Anderson shares a story about a ninety-two year old woman woman named Annemarie. She came to his office specifically to be very clear about what she desired at the end of her earthly life. She knew that her body was wearing out. This sweet lady with the "voice of royalty," told him that when her heart stops she does not want to be resuscitated. "I do not—repeat, I do not—want anyone to try to restart it. If I wake up from being dead, I will be quite upset." I laughed a little at reading that—she'll "be quite upset." Anderson reassured her that her wishes would be followed and explained that "if God is calling us forward, nothing on this side of eternity can pull us back."
I think I would have liked to have met Annemarie.
Day 57: Let Go To Move On:
"When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge agains, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."—Mark 11:25
Day 57 is focused on a man named Ricky whose wife died of cancer. He never forgave his wife's doctor for her passing away. He felt that the doctor didn't do enough to save his wife. Now after years of harboring resentment over his loss, Ricky came to Dr. Anderson because he had headaches, couldn't sleep, and was dropping a concerning amount of weight. Dr. Anderson knew right away that it was depression, but he ordered blood work, a CT scan of his head and other tests, just to "rule out other possible causes of his symptoms." He explained to Ricky that he was suffering from depression and that he really needed to not blame the doctor, or his wife, or himself. "If you want to heal," he told him, "you're going to have to let go of your grudge."
I can relate to how Ricky felt, but I wouldn't say that I blamed any particular doctor for my mother's death. However, most of us in the family felt that the doctors in Kingman were second rate and didn't do enough for my mother. I know my dad wishes that he would have taken my mother somewhere else, but as Anderson told Annemarie, "if God is calling [you home] nothing on this side of eternity can pull [you] back."
As far as holding a grudge, I have seen first hand the damage that can do to a person and their relationships with others. My step-mother, who I wrote about previously, is such a person. Because she cannot forgive others for things that happened in her past, she has alienated many people in her life, the most heartbreaking person being her son. I wish she could find a way to let go. I know if she did, she would be able to heal not only herself but her relationships as well.
I personally feel as if I have forgiven people who have hurt me, but have I really? Am I truly without grudges? When I think of things that happened to me and were said to me while I was a member of ICC, I still feel quite strongly about it. My relationship with one friend in particular has forever changed; it will never be what it once was. I would still do anything to help her, but I am guarded. She can have my time, my ear, my energy, but not my heart. I'm not sure that is true forgiveness. It seems that it would not be. I don't wish her harm and truly only wish the best for her, but I am not willing to give my heart. By that I mean, I am not willing to share with her my deepest thoughts, I am not willing to be vulnerable and open. I wonder if that would change if I was to be around her more. Would I open my heart to her once again?
Currently, I like the safe distance, but would I want God to keep me at a "safe distance?" I think not.
Friday, February 24, 2017
A Most Precious Gift—My Earthly Father
February 24, 2017
Day 55: The Joy Of Life And Death:
"This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." —Nehemiah 8:10
To sum up Anderson's lesson today, it's basically about making the most of our time here on earth, but also looking forward to the joy we will feel when we are reunited with God in heaven.
I like how sure Anderson is that the people he has loved in his life, those that have passed away, are, without question, in heaven. I wish I was as confident, though I believe I am becoming more so. I still feel uncertain about my step-brother Scott or my uncle. Both committed suicide. I feel uncertain about myself even (at times). I don't know what has lead me to believe that those who commit suicide are not going to heaven. I can't recall a specific scripture that has lead to that belief; it's just one that has always been a part of my thinking. When my brother committed suicide, I went through a time of blaming myself. If I had only been there. If I had only been more consistent in sharing with him the love of Christ. He was interested in knowing God, but never fully, at least to my knowledge, took the initiative on that. He and I talked on and off throughout our adult lives about God and I encouraged him to read the Bible, but I didn't check up on him to see how he was doing. Like most families today, we lived far apart, rarely spoke on the phone and rarely saw each other. I don't know if talking to him more often would have changed anything, but I still wish I would have.
My brother has always been a tortured soul. There are a number of stories I could share that would help clarify why I believe he was tormented, but I don't want to go into great detail here, at least not today. At the time that my brother took his life, he was staying with my step-dad, his father, in Kingman, Az. He and his wife were separated and he was out of work due to extreme back pain, and had been for quite awhile. From the letter he wrote to his dad, it seemed that he felt he would never amount to anything and that he was just holding people back, specifically his wife. My dad left him alone for a few hours and when he came back, he found the note, and Scott was gone. He had driven out to the desert, taken all of his back pain medicine (the whole bottle) and stabbed himself 12 times. People tried to comfort us with the fact that his pain medication protected him from suffering, but the image is permanently in my brain. I see it all as clearly as if I was standing in front of him. It still breaks my heart. When I heard the news I was in upstate New York with my brother. I just crumpled to the ground and my brother came running over to me to ask what was wrong. I couldn't even speak; I just handed him the phone and my step-dad explained what had happened.
Scott's father, Bob, my step-dad since I was seven years old, is an amazing man. Even through great loss and unimaginably painful situations, he maintains a positive attitude. He has always been an example to me of what it means to fully trust God. I marvel at his ability to let things go and simply trust that God will see him through. He doesn't doubt or question—maybe at some point he has, but not that I have ever seen. He is of the attitude that he just doesn't have time to worry about things that are beyond his control. All he can do is do what he can, and God will do the rest.
When I started today's entry, I had no idea that it would lead to a discussion of my brother or of his father. As I was writing about Scott, I was thinking that I would try to find scriptures that would help clarify why I have always felt that committing suicide would keep one from going to heaven, but my mind went in a different direction. I felt as if God was telling me to not waste my time with that. He knows the individual hearts of people and I can trust that He is fair and just.
Though it may have not been my original plan to talk about Bob, it warms me heart to be reminded of one of the most precious gifts God has given me—an earthly father to guide me. The poem below, "I Have Learned So Much," is something I wrote for Bob years ago. It captures just a little bit of why I feel so blessed to have had him as my father.
Day 55: The Joy Of Life And Death:
"This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." —Nehemiah 8:10
To sum up Anderson's lesson today, it's basically about making the most of our time here on earth, but also looking forward to the joy we will feel when we are reunited with God in heaven.
I like how sure Anderson is that the people he has loved in his life, those that have passed away, are, without question, in heaven. I wish I was as confident, though I believe I am becoming more so. I still feel uncertain about my step-brother Scott or my uncle. Both committed suicide. I feel uncertain about myself even (at times). I don't know what has lead me to believe that those who commit suicide are not going to heaven. I can't recall a specific scripture that has lead to that belief; it's just one that has always been a part of my thinking. When my brother committed suicide, I went through a time of blaming myself. If I had only been there. If I had only been more consistent in sharing with him the love of Christ. He was interested in knowing God, but never fully, at least to my knowledge, took the initiative on that. He and I talked on and off throughout our adult lives about God and I encouraged him to read the Bible, but I didn't check up on him to see how he was doing. Like most families today, we lived far apart, rarely spoke on the phone and rarely saw each other. I don't know if talking to him more often would have changed anything, but I still wish I would have.
My brother has always been a tortured soul. There are a number of stories I could share that would help clarify why I believe he was tormented, but I don't want to go into great detail here, at least not today. At the time that my brother took his life, he was staying with my step-dad, his father, in Kingman, Az. He and his wife were separated and he was out of work due to extreme back pain, and had been for quite awhile. From the letter he wrote to his dad, it seemed that he felt he would never amount to anything and that he was just holding people back, specifically his wife. My dad left him alone for a few hours and when he came back, he found the note, and Scott was gone. He had driven out to the desert, taken all of his back pain medicine (the whole bottle) and stabbed himself 12 times. People tried to comfort us with the fact that his pain medication protected him from suffering, but the image is permanently in my brain. I see it all as clearly as if I was standing in front of him. It still breaks my heart. When I heard the news I was in upstate New York with my brother. I just crumpled to the ground and my brother came running over to me to ask what was wrong. I couldn't even speak; I just handed him the phone and my step-dad explained what had happened.
Scott's father, Bob, my step-dad since I was seven years old, is an amazing man. Even through great loss and unimaginably painful situations, he maintains a positive attitude. He has always been an example to me of what it means to fully trust God. I marvel at his ability to let things go and simply trust that God will see him through. He doesn't doubt or question—maybe at some point he has, but not that I have ever seen. He is of the attitude that he just doesn't have time to worry about things that are beyond his control. All he can do is do what he can, and God will do the rest.
When I started today's entry, I had no idea that it would lead to a discussion of my brother or of his father. As I was writing about Scott, I was thinking that I would try to find scriptures that would help clarify why I have always felt that committing suicide would keep one from going to heaven, but my mind went in a different direction. I felt as if God was telling me to not waste my time with that. He knows the individual hearts of people and I can trust that He is fair and just.
Though it may have not been my original plan to talk about Bob, it warms me heart to be reminded of one of the most precious gifts God has given me—an earthly father to guide me. The poem below, "I Have Learned So Much," is something I wrote for Bob years ago. It captures just a little bit of why I feel so blessed to have had him as my father.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Trust and Believe
February 23. 2017
Day 54: The Power is His:
"I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe him. This is the same and mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God's right hand in the heavenly realms." —Ephesians 1:19-20
Anderson shares a story about a woman named Erin who came in to see him for a regular checkup. She had some abdominal pain and had lost some weight, but felt that everything was fine. Come to find out she had cancer of the kidneys and the best that the good doctor could offer her was a promise "to do everything [he could] to make [her] journey as pain-free and comfortable as possible." He, of course, also prayed that God would comfort and heal her. The story is a reminder for us to "prepare [our] heart and soul for eternity before [we] are confronted with the reality of [our] mortality, and to above all "trust God."
In the story about Erin I notice several times that she tells Dr. Anderson that she believes that everything is fine, as if she is trying to convince herself that abdominal pain and weight loss are nothing to be concerned about. She only marked abdominal pain because the chart had asked about it. Although Anderson doesn't talk about her denial, it stuck out to me. I think many of us are in denial, thinking all is well and ignoring the signs that would suggest otherwise.
I know for me there were signs that my child was struggling with gender dysphoria and I didn't wake up and begin to really engage with what was going on until he told me he was transgender. A part of me hoped that the dysphoria he felt was a phase that he was going through. I thought I was handling everything fine. I bought him binders and boy clothes and watched for when he would change in the middle of the day from feminine to masculine clothing. I thought I was doing all I could to help him ease the pain of hating his feminine body and aspects, but I wasn't. Before I understood the severity of his dysphoria and that he was trans, (when he was toying around with masculine names) I told him that I wouldn't call him anything other than Maddie, but that I'd gladly introduce him to others as whatever name he chose. I had no idea how damaging such a statement could be to someone with gender dysphoria. It wasn't until he said, I am boy and I can't be this girl that I am supposed to be anymore, that I realized we needed help—far beyond a mere change of clothes. At that point, I was all in. Whatever clothes, whatever name, whatever needed to be done and at whatever cost, that was what I would do.
I ordered books to help me understand what he was going through and made an appointment with a psychologist to get the ball rolling on helping him transition. I read the statistics on transgender teen suicide and cried myself to sleep praying that my son would not feel so hopeless that he'd give up. I let my heart break at losing a daughter and rejoiced at gaining a son. I helped him shop for a new wardrobe and repainted his bedroom furniture with a lump in my throat. I called family members with my heart racing hoping they would understand and not judge my son or my husband and I for supporting him. I wish I had realized what my son was experiencing and that I would have reached out for help sooner. Those first months as we waited to see the psychologist were unsettling and at times terrifying. I feel incredibly fortunate that he trusted us enough to be honest about the thoughts he was having, especially in regards to suicidal ideation. I'm deeply grateful that we are through the worst of it. He is on testosterone and is the happiest he has been in years.
Though the great pain of letting go of my daughter has lessened, I still feel deeply concerned about my son's future. I know all parents worry about such things, but this concern goes beyond the worries of whether he will find an occupation that he enjoys, whether he will be able to support himself, and whether he will be successful and find love. I worry about the discrimination he may face, the mistreatment he may experience because of who he is and whether he will be able to stand strong in the thick of it. I'm concerned about whether insurance companies will cover him and whether the government will protect him and his rights (which if yesterday's Executive Order is any indication, the answer to that is No!). I worry if he will be safe physically and emotionally in a world that fears what it does not understand.
As I grapple with these concerns, the only consolation I may find is that ultimately God is in control. I must trust and believe though my heart breaks.
Day 54: The Power is His:
"I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe him. This is the same and mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God's right hand in the heavenly realms." —Ephesians 1:19-20
Anderson shares a story about a woman named Erin who came in to see him for a regular checkup. She had some abdominal pain and had lost some weight, but felt that everything was fine. Come to find out she had cancer of the kidneys and the best that the good doctor could offer her was a promise "to do everything [he could] to make [her] journey as pain-free and comfortable as possible." He, of course, also prayed that God would comfort and heal her. The story is a reminder for us to "prepare [our] heart and soul for eternity before [we] are confronted with the reality of [our] mortality, and to above all "trust God."
In the story about Erin I notice several times that she tells Dr. Anderson that she believes that everything is fine, as if she is trying to convince herself that abdominal pain and weight loss are nothing to be concerned about. She only marked abdominal pain because the chart had asked about it. Although Anderson doesn't talk about her denial, it stuck out to me. I think many of us are in denial, thinking all is well and ignoring the signs that would suggest otherwise.
I know for me there were signs that my child was struggling with gender dysphoria and I didn't wake up and begin to really engage with what was going on until he told me he was transgender. A part of me hoped that the dysphoria he felt was a phase that he was going through. I thought I was handling everything fine. I bought him binders and boy clothes and watched for when he would change in the middle of the day from feminine to masculine clothing. I thought I was doing all I could to help him ease the pain of hating his feminine body and aspects, but I wasn't. Before I understood the severity of his dysphoria and that he was trans, (when he was toying around with masculine names) I told him that I wouldn't call him anything other than Maddie, but that I'd gladly introduce him to others as whatever name he chose. I had no idea how damaging such a statement could be to someone with gender dysphoria. It wasn't until he said, I am boy and I can't be this girl that I am supposed to be anymore, that I realized we needed help—far beyond a mere change of clothes. At that point, I was all in. Whatever clothes, whatever name, whatever needed to be done and at whatever cost, that was what I would do.
I ordered books to help me understand what he was going through and made an appointment with a psychologist to get the ball rolling on helping him transition. I read the statistics on transgender teen suicide and cried myself to sleep praying that my son would not feel so hopeless that he'd give up. I let my heart break at losing a daughter and rejoiced at gaining a son. I helped him shop for a new wardrobe and repainted his bedroom furniture with a lump in my throat. I called family members with my heart racing hoping they would understand and not judge my son or my husband and I for supporting him. I wish I had realized what my son was experiencing and that I would have reached out for help sooner. Those first months as we waited to see the psychologist were unsettling and at times terrifying. I feel incredibly fortunate that he trusted us enough to be honest about the thoughts he was having, especially in regards to suicidal ideation. I'm deeply grateful that we are through the worst of it. He is on testosterone and is the happiest he has been in years.
Though the great pain of letting go of my daughter has lessened, I still feel deeply concerned about my son's future. I know all parents worry about such things, but this concern goes beyond the worries of whether he will find an occupation that he enjoys, whether he will be able to support himself, and whether he will be successful and find love. I worry about the discrimination he may face, the mistreatment he may experience because of who he is and whether he will be able to stand strong in the thick of it. I'm concerned about whether insurance companies will cover him and whether the government will protect him and his rights (which if yesterday's Executive Order is any indication, the answer to that is No!). I worry if he will be safe physically and emotionally in a world that fears what it does not understand.
As I grapple with these concerns, the only consolation I may find is that ultimately God is in control. I must trust and believe though my heart breaks.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Faith Will Guide Me
February 22, 2017
Day 53: Rescued From Death:
"Jesus told her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this, Martha?'"
—John 11:25-26
I don't have too much to say about Anderson's lesson today. He basically tells us that if we believe in Jesus, we do not have to fear death. As a medical doctor, he knows all too well that eventually our "bodies will give way." It doesn't matter "how hard medical professionals try—no matter how many new drugs, treatments, or surgeries we invent—we cannot stop death." However, Jesus can.
Anderson explains that he has "had the privilege of sitting beside the deathbeds of hundreds of believers" and he has watched them "go without fear" because they know that "with death comes the freedom of everlasting life."
As a believer, I too can "go without fear," but I don't feel that way all the time. I wonder if I will ever be fully secure in that knowledge. I suppose it comes from being made to believe that I can lose my salvation if I do not behave in a certain way. For all the talk of grace that I have heard, it never really stuck. Perhaps it was because it was layered with the idea that in order to receive that grace I must do X, Y, and Z and do it consistently without question. However, the Bible says in Ephesians 2:8-9, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast."
There is nothing that I can do, no work that I can perform, that would guarantee my salvation. God gives it freely to those who have faith in Christ. The only "work" to be done is to have faith and to grow in that faith. "...Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him" (Hebrews 11:6).
My faith in God should be what inspires me to do good works, not fear of judgement and condemnation. Having faith leads to doing good. "For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead" (James 2:26). So I can't really have one without the other, and I do not need to worry about performing in a certain way to please God. My faith will naturally lead me to do so. Faith assures me of what I hope for (eternal life) and allows me to be certain of what I do not see (God).
I can rest assured that faith will be my guide.
Day 53: Rescued From Death:
"Jesus told her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this, Martha?'"
—John 11:25-26
I don't have too much to say about Anderson's lesson today. He basically tells us that if we believe in Jesus, we do not have to fear death. As a medical doctor, he knows all too well that eventually our "bodies will give way." It doesn't matter "how hard medical professionals try—no matter how many new drugs, treatments, or surgeries we invent—we cannot stop death." However, Jesus can.
Anderson explains that he has "had the privilege of sitting beside the deathbeds of hundreds of believers" and he has watched them "go without fear" because they know that "with death comes the freedom of everlasting life."
As a believer, I too can "go without fear," but I don't feel that way all the time. I wonder if I will ever be fully secure in that knowledge. I suppose it comes from being made to believe that I can lose my salvation if I do not behave in a certain way. For all the talk of grace that I have heard, it never really stuck. Perhaps it was because it was layered with the idea that in order to receive that grace I must do X, Y, and Z and do it consistently without question. However, the Bible says in Ephesians 2:8-9, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast."
There is nothing that I can do, no work that I can perform, that would guarantee my salvation. God gives it freely to those who have faith in Christ. The only "work" to be done is to have faith and to grow in that faith. "...Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him" (Hebrews 11:6).
My faith in God should be what inspires me to do good works, not fear of judgement and condemnation. Having faith leads to doing good. "For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead" (James 2:26). So I can't really have one without the other, and I do not need to worry about performing in a certain way to please God. My faith will naturally lead me to do so. Faith assures me of what I hope for (eternal life) and allows me to be certain of what I do not see (God).
I can rest assured that faith will be my guide.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Heartbroken
February 21, 2017
Day 52: A Confident Heart:
"My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!"
—Psalm 57:7
Today, Anderson shares a story about a man named Keith whose family had a history of heart problems. He went to see Dr. Anderson because he was experiencing shortness of breath when doing simply activities like walking up stairs. They found out that he had "99 percent blockage in one artery and significant blockages in three others." Luckily, Keith came in when he did and they were able to save him before his heart failed. Anderson uses the story to remind us to put our confidence in God because he "can fix all kinds of broken hearts," and to "see [our] physicians if [we] have a family history of heart problems."
I really need to have a confident heart today. Yesterday, I found out that a mother in one of my Facebook transgender groups lost her son to suicide. He hung himself yesterday and I am completely devastated. I have been crying on and off since I found out. I just want God to protect our kids. I know that tragedy is everywhere and lives are lost everyday, but this particular loss hits so close to home. I can barely breathe at the thought of losing my child in that way... in any way.
What else can I say? I am heartbroken.
Day 52: A Confident Heart:
"My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!"
—Psalm 57:7
Today, Anderson shares a story about a man named Keith whose family had a history of heart problems. He went to see Dr. Anderson because he was experiencing shortness of breath when doing simply activities like walking up stairs. They found out that he had "99 percent blockage in one artery and significant blockages in three others." Luckily, Keith came in when he did and they were able to save him before his heart failed. Anderson uses the story to remind us to put our confidence in God because he "can fix all kinds of broken hearts," and to "see [our] physicians if [we] have a family history of heart problems."
I really need to have a confident heart today. Yesterday, I found out that a mother in one of my Facebook transgender groups lost her son to suicide. He hung himself yesterday and I am completely devastated. I have been crying on and off since I found out. I just want God to protect our kids. I know that tragedy is everywhere and lives are lost everyday, but this particular loss hits so close to home. I can barely breathe at the thought of losing my child in that way... in any way.
What else can I say? I am heartbroken.
Monday, February 20, 2017
Torn
February 20, 2017
Day 51: Torn Between Two Worlds:
"To me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live. Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith." —Philippians 1:21-25
Anderson says that this is the verse that spoke to him when he was renewing his faith in God. As I mentioned before, his wife, when she and Anderson were in college, had to memorize all of Philippians, and in order to see her, Anderson had to help her by quizzing her. She would not date him or hang out with him otherwise. Tricksy woman, but effective in helping Anderson come back to God. Anderson also says that, at this time when he was helping his future wife, he had a dream in which he went to heaven and saw his two best friends who had been murdered. They were happy and completely "restored to wholeness." They told him "not to blame God." He says, "That little glimpse of eternity made me never want to leave, but God let me know very clearly that I had work yet to do on earth."
I believe I had my own glimpse of heaven when I was a teen (I mentioned it in a former post), so I can understand how Anderson felt in not wanting to leave. It's amazing really how easily we can forget those fantastical moments and even the more common place ones in which God reaches down to shield and protect us.
The scripture that Anderson uses for today reminds me of my brother. Yes, the one I have spoken of before. I think he has the same attitude of Paul when he was writing to the Philippians. I seem to remember hearing him say something very similar to this, especially the part of being able to do more good alive than if he were to die, but passing away would be just as fine with him.
Today I woke up feeling like following God is a constant struggle. Why is that? All I have been thinking about is God and trying to find a definitive answer to whether or not He accepts my child as he is? I read one thing and I believe, yes, He accepts my child. Then I read something else and think, no, no He doesn't. It's a perversion of his plan and he sees it like any other sin. It's truly enough to drive me mad. I wish God would just tell me, all is well and do not fear. Love your child, support your child. Help him become the person I want him to be. Show him who I really am. Be an example to him of Christ's love. Guide him, do not reject him. Follow me, trust me, for I am faithful.
I hear those words in my mind and think, is this God's Holy Spirit talking to me, or am I just telling myself what I want to hear. There have been quite a few times, especially throughout December of this past year (2016), that I wanted God to just take me away. Remove me from the picture because I could do no better than I already had. When I was feeling that way, I could hear God saying, That is not true. I had more to give and He wanted me to give it. So today's scripture rings true for me. How can I help my son and my husband come to know God if I am no longer with them? How can I be an example of Christ's love in the world if I am no longer in it?
What bothers me the most I suppose is the constant back and forth in my mind and attitude. One minute I feel secure in the knowledge that God accepts my child, the next I am full of doubt and misgivings. I can't help but wonder if those misgivings are coming from God, or if they are remnants of former teachings that I can't seem to shake. I hear my brother and leaders of my former church telling me that the reason I cannot find peace with this is because God does not approve. If I had God's approval, then I would find peace. So which is it? How can I shake my doubts once and for all? How do I find peace with this? The only thing that I know with any certainty is that I could never reject my child. I could never turn my back on him. That is simply something that I could never do. I'd rather die, honestly, than to make my child feel that he was "less than," that he was unsupported, that he was unloved because of something he felt, something that was beyond his control.
My son has not believed in God for a long time, nor has he wanted to, but I always felt that there was a chance that his perspective would change. Even when he came out as gay, then gender fluid, I still believed there was a chance. Now I feel like his being transgender has further separated him from God and any desire he may have had to seek Him out for himself. It seems to be an insurmountable wall because my son believes that God does not love him and accept him for who he is, so why should he believe in someone like that? Someone who would judge him and condemn him for something that is beyond his control? He has told me that I personally have not contributed to that view, but that so much of what he has seen of Christianity has and he wants none of it.
I can understand how he feels. I imagine that I would feel the same way if I was in his position. How can I help my son have a clear view of God, or any constructive view of what it is to follow Christ, if I cannot see clearly myself? If I have doubts and are so torn, how can I reflect what it is to be whole and at peace in Christ?
There are no hard and fast answers to these questions, but I can take comfort in the fact that God is faithful. Today, I am torn, but who knows what tomorrow brings?
Day 51: Torn Between Two Worlds:
"To me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live. Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith." —Philippians 1:21-25
Anderson says that this is the verse that spoke to him when he was renewing his faith in God. As I mentioned before, his wife, when she and Anderson were in college, had to memorize all of Philippians, and in order to see her, Anderson had to help her by quizzing her. She would not date him or hang out with him otherwise. Tricksy woman, but effective in helping Anderson come back to God. Anderson also says that, at this time when he was helping his future wife, he had a dream in which he went to heaven and saw his two best friends who had been murdered. They were happy and completely "restored to wholeness." They told him "not to blame God." He says, "That little glimpse of eternity made me never want to leave, but God let me know very clearly that I had work yet to do on earth."
I believe I had my own glimpse of heaven when I was a teen (I mentioned it in a former post), so I can understand how Anderson felt in not wanting to leave. It's amazing really how easily we can forget those fantastical moments and even the more common place ones in which God reaches down to shield and protect us.
The scripture that Anderson uses for today reminds me of my brother. Yes, the one I have spoken of before. I think he has the same attitude of Paul when he was writing to the Philippians. I seem to remember hearing him say something very similar to this, especially the part of being able to do more good alive than if he were to die, but passing away would be just as fine with him.
Today I woke up feeling like following God is a constant struggle. Why is that? All I have been thinking about is God and trying to find a definitive answer to whether or not He accepts my child as he is? I read one thing and I believe, yes, He accepts my child. Then I read something else and think, no, no He doesn't. It's a perversion of his plan and he sees it like any other sin. It's truly enough to drive me mad. I wish God would just tell me, all is well and do not fear. Love your child, support your child. Help him become the person I want him to be. Show him who I really am. Be an example to him of Christ's love. Guide him, do not reject him. Follow me, trust me, for I am faithful.
I hear those words in my mind and think, is this God's Holy Spirit talking to me, or am I just telling myself what I want to hear. There have been quite a few times, especially throughout December of this past year (2016), that I wanted God to just take me away. Remove me from the picture because I could do no better than I already had. When I was feeling that way, I could hear God saying, That is not true. I had more to give and He wanted me to give it. So today's scripture rings true for me. How can I help my son and my husband come to know God if I am no longer with them? How can I be an example of Christ's love in the world if I am no longer in it?
What bothers me the most I suppose is the constant back and forth in my mind and attitude. One minute I feel secure in the knowledge that God accepts my child, the next I am full of doubt and misgivings. I can't help but wonder if those misgivings are coming from God, or if they are remnants of former teachings that I can't seem to shake. I hear my brother and leaders of my former church telling me that the reason I cannot find peace with this is because God does not approve. If I had God's approval, then I would find peace. So which is it? How can I shake my doubts once and for all? How do I find peace with this? The only thing that I know with any certainty is that I could never reject my child. I could never turn my back on him. That is simply something that I could never do. I'd rather die, honestly, than to make my child feel that he was "less than," that he was unsupported, that he was unloved because of something he felt, something that was beyond his control.
My son has not believed in God for a long time, nor has he wanted to, but I always felt that there was a chance that his perspective would change. Even when he came out as gay, then gender fluid, I still believed there was a chance. Now I feel like his being transgender has further separated him from God and any desire he may have had to seek Him out for himself. It seems to be an insurmountable wall because my son believes that God does not love him and accept him for who he is, so why should he believe in someone like that? Someone who would judge him and condemn him for something that is beyond his control? He has told me that I personally have not contributed to that view, but that so much of what he has seen of Christianity has and he wants none of it.
I can understand how he feels. I imagine that I would feel the same way if I was in his position. How can I help my son have a clear view of God, or any constructive view of what it is to follow Christ, if I cannot see clearly myself? If I have doubts and are so torn, how can I reflect what it is to be whole and at peace in Christ?
There are no hard and fast answers to these questions, but I can take comfort in the fact that God is faithful. Today, I am torn, but who knows what tomorrow brings?
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Blink of an Eye
February 19, 2017
Day 50: Blue Eyes Shining:
"I will lead blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way. I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things: I will not forsake them." —Isaiah 42:16
Dr. Anderson's lesson today was simply to take good care of ourselves, specifically our eyes. He shares a story about an older man named Thomas who had "the most beautiful deep-blue eyes" Dr. Anderson had ever seen. Thomas was developing cataracts and was beginning to bump into things, so Dr. Anderson recommended him to a ophthalmologist who was able to fix his vision.
Anderson recommends that we go for regular checkups and take good care of our eyes. "Not only are they the window to [our souls], but they are also the doorway to [our] good health."
The lesson is not particularly deep or deeply meaningful, but I can relate to it. I am at a spot in my life now where my eyes seem to be deteriorating more rapidly. Normally, I can sit the standard arm's length from my computer screen and see everything quite well. That is changing. I need to lean into it now, especially when typing text as I am doing at this moment. I have glasses that I used to only have to wear for distance and for driving, now it seems I will have to have them to read as well. Looking on the bright side, I can still see and I am most grateful for that.
On a different note, I've been reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and I was thinking about how some of what he has to say may apply to my walk with God. It seems to be counterintuitive at first, but I find some truth in it. Blink is basically about how we gather information and make sense of the world. Most of what we gather is done in the "blink of an eye," subconsciously and intuitively, though Gladwell doesn't like that word, "intuitively." He believes it is used to "describe emotional reactions, gut feelings—thoughts and impressions that don't seem entirely rational." He believes that "rapid cognition," what we gather in the blink of an eye is "perfectly rational." Throughout the book Gladwell delves into a myriad of examples where what one gained in the blink of an eye was actually more reliable and more correct than if one did extensive research. Gladwell claims that sometimes having too much information clouds our vision of the truth. We get bogged down in the overwhelming details and misjudge the situation. We attach meaning to things that aren't really there. I was thinking about how that applies to my walk with God. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by trying to figure out all the details of the Bible—old testament, new testament, how everything is connected, what it means for me personally, what it means for family, what it means for the world. In doing so I lose clarity.
Does it really matter if I understand it all? Can we ever truly know the fullness of God? I think what is most important is to love one another and to focus on that above all else. I think if we do that, much of what the Bible says about how we should live will be fulfilled. We should, as it says in 1 Peter 3:15, "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks [us] to give the reason for the hope that [we] have" and that we should do that with "gentleness and respect." It doesn't say that we need to know and understand everything. We need to be prepared to answer, to give the reason for our hope. Looking to Jesus, he is our "blink of an eye" experience. He is the answer for the hope that we have.
Day 50: Blue Eyes Shining:
"I will lead blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way. I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things: I will not forsake them." —Isaiah 42:16
Dr. Anderson's lesson today was simply to take good care of ourselves, specifically our eyes. He shares a story about an older man named Thomas who had "the most beautiful deep-blue eyes" Dr. Anderson had ever seen. Thomas was developing cataracts and was beginning to bump into things, so Dr. Anderson recommended him to a ophthalmologist who was able to fix his vision.
Anderson recommends that we go for regular checkups and take good care of our eyes. "Not only are they the window to [our souls], but they are also the doorway to [our] good health."
The lesson is not particularly deep or deeply meaningful, but I can relate to it. I am at a spot in my life now where my eyes seem to be deteriorating more rapidly. Normally, I can sit the standard arm's length from my computer screen and see everything quite well. That is changing. I need to lean into it now, especially when typing text as I am doing at this moment. I have glasses that I used to only have to wear for distance and for driving, now it seems I will have to have them to read as well. Looking on the bright side, I can still see and I am most grateful for that.
On a different note, I've been reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and I was thinking about how some of what he has to say may apply to my walk with God. It seems to be counterintuitive at first, but I find some truth in it. Blink is basically about how we gather information and make sense of the world. Most of what we gather is done in the "blink of an eye," subconsciously and intuitively, though Gladwell doesn't like that word, "intuitively." He believes it is used to "describe emotional reactions, gut feelings—thoughts and impressions that don't seem entirely rational." He believes that "rapid cognition," what we gather in the blink of an eye is "perfectly rational." Throughout the book Gladwell delves into a myriad of examples where what one gained in the blink of an eye was actually more reliable and more correct than if one did extensive research. Gladwell claims that sometimes having too much information clouds our vision of the truth. We get bogged down in the overwhelming details and misjudge the situation. We attach meaning to things that aren't really there. I was thinking about how that applies to my walk with God. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by trying to figure out all the details of the Bible—old testament, new testament, how everything is connected, what it means for me personally, what it means for family, what it means for the world. In doing so I lose clarity.
Does it really matter if I understand it all? Can we ever truly know the fullness of God? I think what is most important is to love one another and to focus on that above all else. I think if we do that, much of what the Bible says about how we should live will be fulfilled. We should, as it says in 1 Peter 3:15, "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks [us] to give the reason for the hope that [we] have" and that we should do that with "gentleness and respect." It doesn't say that we need to know and understand everything. We need to be prepared to answer, to give the reason for our hope. Looking to Jesus, he is our "blink of an eye" experience. He is the answer for the hope that we have.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
God's Purifying Fire
February 18, 2017
Day 49: Why Does God Allow Tragedy?:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." —Psalm 34:18
When I first read the title for today's entry, I was excited to see what Anderson had for an answer. However, my hopes were dashed because Anderson didn't have an answer. Instead he shares about the loss of his "close friends (and distant cousins) Jimmy and Jerry Alday [who] were senselessly murdered, along with several of their family members." They had worked together during the "summers selling watermelons at the Atlanta Farmers Market." This event is what turned Anderson away from God for a long time. He felt like I did when I lost my mom, except it may have been even worse for him because I knew my mother had cancer and would not survive it. He could not have prepared himself to lose his friends (his "big brothers and earthly protectors") so suddenly. He says, "I was no longer certain that my heavenly Protector could be trusted." I know that feeling.
Like Anderson, it has taken years for me to recognize that God has been with me all along. It was I who turned away. Anderson says that "God does not willingly harm his people; rather, he is a God of infinite compassion." In times of grief, Anderson encourages us to "turn toward God instead of away from him."
There is a part of me that believes that "God does not willingly harm his people," but there is still a part that says He does allow it to happen. Why does He allow it to happen is the question? We see tragedy as senseless, but I am coming to believe and trust that God has a plan. My best friend in all the world keeps reminding me of that fact. God does have a plan... for it all—the good, the bad...all of it. It is comforting to believe that we do not suffer in vain. I suppose it is possible for one to suffer in vain, that is if one does not allow oneself to grow and change from those painful experiences. How will we know love if we never experience hate? How will we know exhilarating joy if we never experience deep sadness? How will we ever be victorious and triumphant if we never enter a battle?
If we are ever going to grow in responsibility, generosity, honesty, courage, forgiveness, love, and truth, to a point where these attributes become who we are, then we must be broken, tested, and refined. Just as any precious metal must be broken free from the rock which holds it captive, if it is to be of any value, if it is to be considered precious, it must be refined through fire. All of the impurities must be skimmed off. How can we become pure, if we never enter God's purifying fire? The trials and tribulations of our lives are part of God's plan to purify us. Though it is easy to say, yet difficult to put into practice, we should rejoice when we face trials because we know that God will bring us through it and we will be better for it.
Psalm 66:10-12 For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins. You made men ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water, Yet You brought us out into a place of abundance.
Day 49: Why Does God Allow Tragedy?:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." —Psalm 34:18
When I first read the title for today's entry, I was excited to see what Anderson had for an answer. However, my hopes were dashed because Anderson didn't have an answer. Instead he shares about the loss of his "close friends (and distant cousins) Jimmy and Jerry Alday [who] were senselessly murdered, along with several of their family members." They had worked together during the "summers selling watermelons at the Atlanta Farmers Market." This event is what turned Anderson away from God for a long time. He felt like I did when I lost my mom, except it may have been even worse for him because I knew my mother had cancer and would not survive it. He could not have prepared himself to lose his friends (his "big brothers and earthly protectors") so suddenly. He says, "I was no longer certain that my heavenly Protector could be trusted." I know that feeling.
Like Anderson, it has taken years for me to recognize that God has been with me all along. It was I who turned away. Anderson says that "God does not willingly harm his people; rather, he is a God of infinite compassion." In times of grief, Anderson encourages us to "turn toward God instead of away from him."
There is a part of me that believes that "God does not willingly harm his people," but there is still a part that says He does allow it to happen. Why does He allow it to happen is the question? We see tragedy as senseless, but I am coming to believe and trust that God has a plan. My best friend in all the world keeps reminding me of that fact. God does have a plan... for it all—the good, the bad...all of it. It is comforting to believe that we do not suffer in vain. I suppose it is possible for one to suffer in vain, that is if one does not allow oneself to grow and change from those painful experiences. How will we know love if we never experience hate? How will we know exhilarating joy if we never experience deep sadness? How will we ever be victorious and triumphant if we never enter a battle?
If we are ever going to grow in responsibility, generosity, honesty, courage, forgiveness, love, and truth, to a point where these attributes become who we are, then we must be broken, tested, and refined. Just as any precious metal must be broken free from the rock which holds it captive, if it is to be of any value, if it is to be considered precious, it must be refined through fire. All of the impurities must be skimmed off. How can we become pure, if we never enter God's purifying fire? The trials and tribulations of our lives are part of God's plan to purify us. Though it is easy to say, yet difficult to put into practice, we should rejoice when we face trials because we know that God will bring us through it and we will be better for it.
Psalm 66:10-12 For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins. You made men ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water, Yet You brought us out into a place of abundance.
Friday, February 17, 2017
In Need Of Healing
February 17, 2017
Day 48: Healthy People Don't Need A Doctor:
"As Jesus left the town, he saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at his tax collector's booth. 'Follow me and be my disciple,' Jesus said to him. So Levi got up, left everything, and followed him. Later, Levi held a banquet in his home with Jesus as the guest of honor. Many of Levi's fellow tax collectors and other guest also ate with them. But the Pharisees and their teachers of religious law complained bitterly to Jesus' disciples, 'Why do you eat and drink with such scum?' Jesus answered them, 'Healthy people don't need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.'"—Luke 5:27-32
Anderson relates to today's scripture by sharing how he personally feels more fulfilled when he is using his expertise to help those who are really sick and suffering, rather than simply doing the routine checks like wellness visits, physicals for sports, and checks to qualify people for insurance. He feels that those types of visits keep him from devoting time to those who really need him. I can understand why he feels that way, but I also think that those people who come in for wellness checks or for sports or insurance qualifications really need him too. Maybe not as direly, but they still need him. I know he is making an analogy—those who are not sick are like the Pharisees. It's a bit weak, but I get what he means. Using that analogy was just a way to connect his work as a doctor to the message of the scripture: "Jesus didn't come to celebrate the righteous [the spiritually healthy]; he came to bring healing and redemption to sinners in need of forgiveness." I suppose Anderson feels that he didn't become a doctor to examine people who are well; he became a doctor to serve those who are sick and in great need of healing.
The first step in problem solving is acknowledging that there is a problem. The same is true with spiritual matters. "When we seek treatment for our souls, we must first understand that we have a spiritual sickness." If we are like the Pharisees and are self-righteous, "in effect we're saying that we don't need Jesus." If we admit that we are sinners (spiritually sick and in need of healing), Jesus will gladly act as our great physician, healing and redeeming us.
I remember many lessons warning us to not be like the Pharisees—blinded by self-righteous indignation. It seems to me that the attitude of the Pharisees is running rampant through Christianity today and many who are guilty of said attitude are blind to it. All anyone needs to do is read political Facebook comments from professed Christians to see it. There is a difference between righteous anger and belligerence and between venting and vociferating. I'm not saying that all Christians are acting like Pharisees, but there are enough doing so that it is concerning. I also am not saying that I am free from guilt, but I have always taken being an ambassador for Christ very seriously. I think that is another reason I am so upset with myself for the way I was when I was a member of the Church of Christ. To think I may have pushed people away from God is quite devastating to me, especially since I thought I was doing everything right. I remember being very careful (around my husband especially) to never put the church in a bad light or mention anything about my questioning a church practice or belief. I never voiced my concerns or the extreme pressure I felt. I thought it would put God and his church in a bad light and that would be wrong. So I found the fault in myself. I was being prideful. I was not open to correction. I was begin judgmental...etc.
I still am wary of putting God in a bad light, but I am much more open now when it comes to sharing my faith (doubts and all) with my family, in particular my husband and son, and my friends. I don't have all the answer and I no longer pretend that I do. I am in need of healing just as much as anybody else.
Day 48: Healthy People Don't Need A Doctor:
"As Jesus left the town, he saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at his tax collector's booth. 'Follow me and be my disciple,' Jesus said to him. So Levi got up, left everything, and followed him. Later, Levi held a banquet in his home with Jesus as the guest of honor. Many of Levi's fellow tax collectors and other guest also ate with them. But the Pharisees and their teachers of religious law complained bitterly to Jesus' disciples, 'Why do you eat and drink with such scum?' Jesus answered them, 'Healthy people don't need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.'"—Luke 5:27-32
Anderson relates to today's scripture by sharing how he personally feels more fulfilled when he is using his expertise to help those who are really sick and suffering, rather than simply doing the routine checks like wellness visits, physicals for sports, and checks to qualify people for insurance. He feels that those types of visits keep him from devoting time to those who really need him. I can understand why he feels that way, but I also think that those people who come in for wellness checks or for sports or insurance qualifications really need him too. Maybe not as direly, but they still need him. I know he is making an analogy—those who are not sick are like the Pharisees. It's a bit weak, but I get what he means. Using that analogy was just a way to connect his work as a doctor to the message of the scripture: "Jesus didn't come to celebrate the righteous [the spiritually healthy]; he came to bring healing and redemption to sinners in need of forgiveness." I suppose Anderson feels that he didn't become a doctor to examine people who are well; he became a doctor to serve those who are sick and in great need of healing.
The first step in problem solving is acknowledging that there is a problem. The same is true with spiritual matters. "When we seek treatment for our souls, we must first understand that we have a spiritual sickness." If we are like the Pharisees and are self-righteous, "in effect we're saying that we don't need Jesus." If we admit that we are sinners (spiritually sick and in need of healing), Jesus will gladly act as our great physician, healing and redeeming us.
I remember many lessons warning us to not be like the Pharisees—blinded by self-righteous indignation. It seems to me that the attitude of the Pharisees is running rampant through Christianity today and many who are guilty of said attitude are blind to it. All anyone needs to do is read political Facebook comments from professed Christians to see it. There is a difference between righteous anger and belligerence and between venting and vociferating. I'm not saying that all Christians are acting like Pharisees, but there are enough doing so that it is concerning. I also am not saying that I am free from guilt, but I have always taken being an ambassador for Christ very seriously. I think that is another reason I am so upset with myself for the way I was when I was a member of the Church of Christ. To think I may have pushed people away from God is quite devastating to me, especially since I thought I was doing everything right. I remember being very careful (around my husband especially) to never put the church in a bad light or mention anything about my questioning a church practice or belief. I never voiced my concerns or the extreme pressure I felt. I thought it would put God and his church in a bad light and that would be wrong. So I found the fault in myself. I was being prideful. I was not open to correction. I was begin judgmental...etc.
I still am wary of putting God in a bad light, but I am much more open now when it comes to sharing my faith (doubts and all) with my family, in particular my husband and son, and my friends. I don't have all the answer and I no longer pretend that I do. I am in need of healing just as much as anybody else.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Love Never Fails
February 16, 2017
Day 47: Breathtaking News:
"We hoped for peace, but no peace came. We hoped for a time of healing, but found only terror."
—Jeremiah 8:15
Not exactly the most uplifting scripture, I've got to say Anderson.
Nor is the story one of great hope and deliverance. Instead Anderson earnestly urges us to heed God's warnings by sharing a story about a young man named Dylan who had asthma and smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. Both of Dylan's parents smoked and when Dylan became a teen, he joined them. He had been warned of the dangers time and time again, yet he wouldn't quit smoking. In his early thirties he started to cough up blood and by then it was too late; he had developed cancer in his lungs and it had spread to his liver. Dr. Anderson promised Dylan that he would pray for him and that he would try to make his last days as comfortable and as pain-free as possible.
With confidence Anderson states that we are no different than the Israelites who "heard God's warnings from the prophet Jeremiah, yet failed to heed his commands." Many times, just like the Israelites, we don't seek forgiveness and we seal our fate. Instead of healing, we find terror.
I suppose it's only fair to mention that at some point there will be consequences for ignoring the warnings of God; I just wish it wasn't today. I've been feeling a little unsettled inside because of something my brother said. He told me that "it's important to remember that we can still exhibit God's love while not compromising on His law. Just as the Lord did."
In my mind I hear, it's important to remember that you can love your daughter without supporting her decision to become a male. You can love without accepting, thus condoning that decision and breaking God's law. That's what I hear. That and the fact that we shouldn't accept gay marriage or condone abortion regardless of the circumstances. However it's fine to support Christians who are willing to submit gay teenagers to electroshock treatment in order to shock them out of their gayness. That's fine. It's also fine to elect a man who does not respect the sanctity of marriage, nor women, nor minorities, nor laborers, nor God's earth, nor...
Uh... I'm just going off and really no good can come from that. I guess the real struggle for me is trying to figure out who (beyond the Bible) is God using in my life to lead me to the truth. Is it my brother, who for me exemplifies the God I knew when I was a member of the Phoenix Valley Church of Christ, or is He using people like Amelia and those in her church, my best friend, my oldest brother Lonnie and his wife, and my friends Janet and Chrisa—who are all accepting of my child and my decision to support him? I just can't see Jesus turning his back on my child and forcing him to live as a girl when deep within, he is boy. Where does gender really live? I'd say in the heart, mind and soul of the person. I wake up every day knowing that I am a girl; it has nothing to do with my genitalia, my sexuality. It is what I am in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.
I know what my brother would tell me. He would say that he doesn't care what gender my child believes himself to be; it is his soul that he is concerned about. (If that was truly the case, then why does he refuse to use the proper pronouns of he, him and his and son instead of daughter. He cares! He believes that God put him in a female body; therefore, he is female and that is it. Any attempt to change that is going against the will of God and is simply wrong and will have eternal consequences just as much as my son not believing in God does). I know that he is concerned because my child does not believe in God. Honestly, he is not helping in that area at all. My kid is completely aware of what my brother thinks and wants none of it. So yeah, for someone who is a believer, that is hard to take. None of this is easy for me. Because I believe in God and His promises, I, of course, want the same for my child. How can I get there? How can I help my child even want to know God when most of what he has seen and heard Christians do in the name of God repels him?
What does it really mean to love and not compromise on God's law? Jesus commands us to love and the Bible is fairly clear on what love is. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4).
The part in this scripture that I question in regards to my brother's view of my acceptance and support of my son is "love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth." I assume that my brother sees my acceptance and support as "delighting in evil." Is that really the case? Is it evil to support and accept my son even though he began his life as my daughter? Is it evil and against God's will to separate conjoined twins if possible to do so? After all, they were born that way. Is it against God's will that people born with handicaps take opportunities to heal themselves and make themselves whole? How about babies born addicted to drugs? Shouldn't they just stay that way because that is how they were born? My child was born in a female body. Is it God's will that he live as a female even though doing so makes him not want to live? I do not believe so.
How does my brother know what plans God has for my son? Does he know why after 16 years of trying to be a girl, my child has given up and accepted who he is and has embraced it with determination and courage? How does he know that this was not God's plan all along? He doesn't! Nor do I. What I do know is that love "always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Day 47: Breathtaking News:
"We hoped for peace, but no peace came. We hoped for a time of healing, but found only terror."
—Jeremiah 8:15
Not exactly the most uplifting scripture, I've got to say Anderson.
Nor is the story one of great hope and deliverance. Instead Anderson earnestly urges us to heed God's warnings by sharing a story about a young man named Dylan who had asthma and smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. Both of Dylan's parents smoked and when Dylan became a teen, he joined them. He had been warned of the dangers time and time again, yet he wouldn't quit smoking. In his early thirties he started to cough up blood and by then it was too late; he had developed cancer in his lungs and it had spread to his liver. Dr. Anderson promised Dylan that he would pray for him and that he would try to make his last days as comfortable and as pain-free as possible.
With confidence Anderson states that we are no different than the Israelites who "heard God's warnings from the prophet Jeremiah, yet failed to heed his commands." Many times, just like the Israelites, we don't seek forgiveness and we seal our fate. Instead of healing, we find terror.
I suppose it's only fair to mention that at some point there will be consequences for ignoring the warnings of God; I just wish it wasn't today. I've been feeling a little unsettled inside because of something my brother said. He told me that "it's important to remember that we can still exhibit God's love while not compromising on His law. Just as the Lord did."
In my mind I hear, it's important to remember that you can love your daughter without supporting her decision to become a male. You can love without accepting, thus condoning that decision and breaking God's law. That's what I hear. That and the fact that we shouldn't accept gay marriage or condone abortion regardless of the circumstances. However it's fine to support Christians who are willing to submit gay teenagers to electroshock treatment in order to shock them out of their gayness. That's fine. It's also fine to elect a man who does not respect the sanctity of marriage, nor women, nor minorities, nor laborers, nor God's earth, nor...
Uh... I'm just going off and really no good can come from that. I guess the real struggle for me is trying to figure out who (beyond the Bible) is God using in my life to lead me to the truth. Is it my brother, who for me exemplifies the God I knew when I was a member of the Phoenix Valley Church of Christ, or is He using people like Amelia and those in her church, my best friend, my oldest brother Lonnie and his wife, and my friends Janet and Chrisa—who are all accepting of my child and my decision to support him? I just can't see Jesus turning his back on my child and forcing him to live as a girl when deep within, he is boy. Where does gender really live? I'd say in the heart, mind and soul of the person. I wake up every day knowing that I am a girl; it has nothing to do with my genitalia, my sexuality. It is what I am in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.
I know what my brother would tell me. He would say that he doesn't care what gender my child believes himself to be; it is his soul that he is concerned about. (If that was truly the case, then why does he refuse to use the proper pronouns of he, him and his and son instead of daughter. He cares! He believes that God put him in a female body; therefore, he is female and that is it. Any attempt to change that is going against the will of God and is simply wrong and will have eternal consequences just as much as my son not believing in God does). I know that he is concerned because my child does not believe in God. Honestly, he is not helping in that area at all. My kid is completely aware of what my brother thinks and wants none of it. So yeah, for someone who is a believer, that is hard to take. None of this is easy for me. Because I believe in God and His promises, I, of course, want the same for my child. How can I get there? How can I help my child even want to know God when most of what he has seen and heard Christians do in the name of God repels him?
What does it really mean to love and not compromise on God's law? Jesus commands us to love and the Bible is fairly clear on what love is. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4).
The part in this scripture that I question in regards to my brother's view of my acceptance and support of my son is "love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth." I assume that my brother sees my acceptance and support as "delighting in evil." Is that really the case? Is it evil to support and accept my son even though he began his life as my daughter? Is it evil and against God's will to separate conjoined twins if possible to do so? After all, they were born that way. Is it against God's will that people born with handicaps take opportunities to heal themselves and make themselves whole? How about babies born addicted to drugs? Shouldn't they just stay that way because that is how they were born? My child was born in a female body. Is it God's will that he live as a female even though doing so makes him not want to live? I do not believe so.
How does my brother know what plans God has for my son? Does he know why after 16 years of trying to be a girl, my child has given up and accepted who he is and has embraced it with determination and courage? How does he know that this was not God's plan all along? He doesn't! Nor do I. What I do know is that love "always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Confident and Courageous
February 14, 2017
I started this post yesterday, but just wasn't feeling up for delving into a discussion.
Day 45: Generations Of Answered Prayers:
"He will listen to the prayers of the destitute. He will not reject their pleas. Let this be recorded for future generations, so that a people not yet born will praise the Lord." —Psalm 102:17-18
I was expecting today's lesson to be focused on love or marriage or something relating more specifically to Valentine's Day. Instead Anderson shares a story about his grandfather who was born on Valentine's Day in 1908. "He was the first boy, with six older sisters," born into a [southern] Alabama dirt farmer's family." When he was 7 years old he had to quit school and help his father on the farm. "There was no time to waste learning skills that didn't directly apply to crop production."
Like any parent would, once Anderson's grandfather had children, he wanted more for his kids than the life of a poor dirt farmer. So he "prayed that God would show him a way to break the cycle of poverty that had cursed the family for generations." God answered by providing opportunities for education and the eldest boy (Anderson's father) "finished high school and college and became a teacher. In the next generation [Anderson], of course, went all the way to medical school." Anderson attributes his success to his grandfather's prayers.
He ends by suggesting that we write down the prayers that we have for our children and grandchildren so that eventually "they will see the fruit of our faith."
February 15, 2017
Yesterday Anderson talked about writing down the prayers we have so that those who come after us will see the fruit of our faith. I don't remember when exactly it was, but I found a prayer that my mother used to pray for each of us kids. It was tucked inside her Bible. It was not personal but more of a general prayer for our well-being and safety. I remember that it made me feel loved and protected. I could see how God had answered her prayer, thus it was also faith building.
Day 46: Jesus Show Us How To Have Confident Courage:
"The lord is my light and my salvation—so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident." —Psalm 27:1-3
Anderson's lesson today focuses on the courage of martyrs and that of Jesus himself. He begins with an example of a group of martyrs that I had not heard of before—twenty-one Egyptian Coptic Christian men who were beheaded in 2015 on a beach along the southern Mediterranean coast. He says that "these followers of Jesus met their maker as silently as lambs." (I looked up information about the incident—disturbing images). It made me think of other martyrs, like the Christian teens from Columbine who died because they refused to renounce their faith and other martyrs like them all over the world. I would like to think that I would have the same courage.
Anderson continues by reminding us of Christ's character, his sacrifice, and his courage to remain silent while he was "mocked, beaten, and left hanging on the cross." Did Jesus want to die on the cross? No! Who would? In the Garden of Gethsemane he prayed for God to take "this cup of suffering from him," but he knew what must be done to fulfill his Father's will, and in the end he was willing to do it. As a man, he had the same fears that we have. He knows our pain firsthand. We cannot claim that he does not understand what it is like to be human. When we are persecuted, threatened and unjustly judged, will our response reflect courage and hope? "Will we acknowledge that God is in control, regardless of the circumstances or the enemies that surround us?"
Will we be like Jesus and the martyrs—confident in the protection of God and courageous in our confrontation with man?
I started this post yesterday, but just wasn't feeling up for delving into a discussion.
Day 45: Generations Of Answered Prayers:
"He will listen to the prayers of the destitute. He will not reject their pleas. Let this be recorded for future generations, so that a people not yet born will praise the Lord." —Psalm 102:17-18
I was expecting today's lesson to be focused on love or marriage or something relating more specifically to Valentine's Day. Instead Anderson shares a story about his grandfather who was born on Valentine's Day in 1908. "He was the first boy, with six older sisters," born into a [southern] Alabama dirt farmer's family." When he was 7 years old he had to quit school and help his father on the farm. "There was no time to waste learning skills that didn't directly apply to crop production."
Like any parent would, once Anderson's grandfather had children, he wanted more for his kids than the life of a poor dirt farmer. So he "prayed that God would show him a way to break the cycle of poverty that had cursed the family for generations." God answered by providing opportunities for education and the eldest boy (Anderson's father) "finished high school and college and became a teacher. In the next generation [Anderson], of course, went all the way to medical school." Anderson attributes his success to his grandfather's prayers.
He ends by suggesting that we write down the prayers that we have for our children and grandchildren so that eventually "they will see the fruit of our faith."
February 15, 2017
Yesterday Anderson talked about writing down the prayers we have so that those who come after us will see the fruit of our faith. I don't remember when exactly it was, but I found a prayer that my mother used to pray for each of us kids. It was tucked inside her Bible. It was not personal but more of a general prayer for our well-being and safety. I remember that it made me feel loved and protected. I could see how God had answered her prayer, thus it was also faith building.
Day 46: Jesus Show Us How To Have Confident Courage:
"The lord is my light and my salvation—so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident." —Psalm 27:1-3
Anderson's lesson today focuses on the courage of martyrs and that of Jesus himself. He begins with an example of a group of martyrs that I had not heard of before—twenty-one Egyptian Coptic Christian men who were beheaded in 2015 on a beach along the southern Mediterranean coast. He says that "these followers of Jesus met their maker as silently as lambs." (I looked up information about the incident—disturbing images). It made me think of other martyrs, like the Christian teens from Columbine who died because they refused to renounce their faith and other martyrs like them all over the world. I would like to think that I would have the same courage.
Anderson continues by reminding us of Christ's character, his sacrifice, and his courage to remain silent while he was "mocked, beaten, and left hanging on the cross." Did Jesus want to die on the cross? No! Who would? In the Garden of Gethsemane he prayed for God to take "this cup of suffering from him," but he knew what must be done to fulfill his Father's will, and in the end he was willing to do it. As a man, he had the same fears that we have. He knows our pain firsthand. We cannot claim that he does not understand what it is like to be human. When we are persecuted, threatened and unjustly judged, will our response reflect courage and hope? "Will we acknowledge that God is in control, regardless of the circumstances or the enemies that surround us?"
Will we be like Jesus and the martyrs—confident in the protection of God and courageous in our confrontation with man?
Monday, February 13, 2017
I Choose Love
February 13, 2017
Day 44: Unfailing Love Makes The Difference:
"Each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life." —Psalm 42:8
Today's anecdote is about a woman named Lisa who was addicted to heroine. Dr. Anderson met her at a detox unit that he was working at. She had been in rehab "five or six times to get straightened out...but this time it [was] going to be different." Dr. Anderson was used to hearing such statements "several times a night, every night," but Lisa seemed convinced that this time would be different. She told Dr. Anderson that she had walked into a little church down the street, and that the preacher had told her that Jesus loves her and would forgive her—"no matter what [she's] done, no matter how bad [her] sin has been." She could be freed from her addiction. All she had to do was "ask for forgiveness and believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and Jesus would wash [her] white as snow."
While she was detoxing and her cravings were the strongest, Dr. Anderson and the others "heard Lisa reading out loud from the Bible or singing from the hymnal." Anderson says that by time she went home "Lisa had been healed by the unfailing love of God."
Although I love the story and hope beyond hope that Lisa remained clean, I am skeptical. Perhaps it's because I know a drug addict. Similar things have happened in his life, yet he is back in jail and for a far worse offense than drugs. I realize that Anderson's story does not suggest that everything will be sunshine and roses for Lisa, but I wish he would have put something in there to suggest that she would continually need to turn to God if she desired to be fully delivered from her addiction. Perhaps he doesn't because it's a no brainer. Of course she will need to continually turn to God. We all need to continually turn to God.
I have to be honest. When I first read today's scripture I had such a great sense of hope, but the story made me feel skeptical and critical and tired. Earlier this morning and actually the last few days I have been feeling like knowing God and trying to be what he wants me to be makes me unhappy and exhausted. It's a constant battle. However it dawned on me as to why I was feeling that way. The last few days I've been texting back and forth with my brother (the one I spoke of in "My Child is Holy"), and although our conversations were civil, they left me feeling second guessed. I feel as if my brother believes he's on the moral high ground, but plays it off as if God will be the judge. It's like he wants me to believe that he is not judging me, it's God. He encouraged me to "keep studying God's word; keep praying; keep attending [my] church." The part that makes me feel second guessed is when he said, "If you truly want God to speak through His Word, have no hidden agendas as you read and pray. Let the Spirit speak." The "hidden agendas" just reminds me of things that were said to me in my old church (ICC). It was a trigger for me. I tend to associate my brother's vision of God with my former church's vision of God and it just tears me down and wears me out. His statements to me make me feel as if he believes he doesn't need to say anything further to me about being wrong in supporting my transgender son; God will say it to me—if I will listen and not have "hidden agendas." It just urks me to no end.
So, what to do about that? I could allow it to destroy all that I have accomplished in the last few months. I could sink into despair and view God as the big policeman in the sky ready to give a smack down, or I can let it go and simply continue building my relationship with God by focusing on God's love.
I choose Love.
Day 44: Unfailing Love Makes The Difference:
"Each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life." —Psalm 42:8
Today's anecdote is about a woman named Lisa who was addicted to heroine. Dr. Anderson met her at a detox unit that he was working at. She had been in rehab "five or six times to get straightened out...but this time it [was] going to be different." Dr. Anderson was used to hearing such statements "several times a night, every night," but Lisa seemed convinced that this time would be different. She told Dr. Anderson that she had walked into a little church down the street, and that the preacher had told her that Jesus loves her and would forgive her—"no matter what [she's] done, no matter how bad [her] sin has been." She could be freed from her addiction. All she had to do was "ask for forgiveness and believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and Jesus would wash [her] white as snow."
While she was detoxing and her cravings were the strongest, Dr. Anderson and the others "heard Lisa reading out loud from the Bible or singing from the hymnal." Anderson says that by time she went home "Lisa had been healed by the unfailing love of God."
Although I love the story and hope beyond hope that Lisa remained clean, I am skeptical. Perhaps it's because I know a drug addict. Similar things have happened in his life, yet he is back in jail and for a far worse offense than drugs. I realize that Anderson's story does not suggest that everything will be sunshine and roses for Lisa, but I wish he would have put something in there to suggest that she would continually need to turn to God if she desired to be fully delivered from her addiction. Perhaps he doesn't because it's a no brainer. Of course she will need to continually turn to God. We all need to continually turn to God.
I have to be honest. When I first read today's scripture I had such a great sense of hope, but the story made me feel skeptical and critical and tired. Earlier this morning and actually the last few days I have been feeling like knowing God and trying to be what he wants me to be makes me unhappy and exhausted. It's a constant battle. However it dawned on me as to why I was feeling that way. The last few days I've been texting back and forth with my brother (the one I spoke of in "My Child is Holy"), and although our conversations were civil, they left me feeling second guessed. I feel as if my brother believes he's on the moral high ground, but plays it off as if God will be the judge. It's like he wants me to believe that he is not judging me, it's God. He encouraged me to "keep studying God's word; keep praying; keep attending [my] church." The part that makes me feel second guessed is when he said, "If you truly want God to speak through His Word, have no hidden agendas as you read and pray. Let the Spirit speak." The "hidden agendas" just reminds me of things that were said to me in my old church (ICC). It was a trigger for me. I tend to associate my brother's vision of God with my former church's vision of God and it just tears me down and wears me out. His statements to me make me feel as if he believes he doesn't need to say anything further to me about being wrong in supporting my transgender son; God will say it to me—if I will listen and not have "hidden agendas." It just urks me to no end.
So, what to do about that? I could allow it to destroy all that I have accomplished in the last few months. I could sink into despair and view God as the big policeman in the sky ready to give a smack down, or I can let it go and simply continue building my relationship with God by focusing on God's love.
I choose Love.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
I'm Working On It
February 12, 2017
Day 42: The Source of all Comfort:
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." —2 Corinthians 1:3-4
This scripture was actually for Feb. 11, but I took yesterday off to just be. I appreciate Anderson's story that he shared because it gives me hope that the experiences I have had may be able to help someone else. Anderson's son David was born with a double cleft lip and palate and had to endure many surgeries to heal him. As any parent can imagine, it was a difficult time, but the Anderson family found comfort in God. Once their son's surgeries were complete, Karen (Anderson's wife) was asked if she would be willing to meet with other parents and speak with them about her experiences. Of course, she was more than willing. She used her experiences to comfort other parents who were just beginning their journey to helping their child heal.
With the experiences I have had with my former church and now with my child and trying to reconcile my relationship with God, perhaps God can use me to help someone else in a similar situation, other parents of transgender kids who are struggling, or people who feel their church has been more detrimental than helpful. I do not know... but I am willing.
Day 43: Counting Your Blessings:
Be sure to fear the Lord and faithfully serve him. Think of all the wonderful things he has done for you." —I Samuel 12:24
Day 43's lesson is really about seeing God with the same loving eyes that we see our spouse or partner. "When we are in love, we count all the little things we love about the other person." Anderson believes that we need to have the same "kind of enthusiasm" for God. "We need to stop and count all of the blessings he has given us. Too often, we don't even notice the things that God has done for us or the blessings he has placed in our path. But even on those rare occasions when we do, we're more likely to attribute them to luck or coincidence."
I wouldn't say that I attribute the blessings in my life to luck or coincidence. I'd say, at least in the not so distant past, I have attributed the blessings to some kind of test—a test that I must be failing. I spoke about this before in "My Current Perspective:"
"Instead of viewing all of the wonderful things in my life (where we live, our financial security, the luxuries, pleasantries, and comforts we have in our lives) as blessings, they become a piece of God's test. He is giving us over to the pleasures of this world and what it leads to, which is death—eternal. Will we see past the smoke screen and realize these things are hindering us from truly following God?"
I am trying to change that perspective, and I believe I have made some progress with that. I am trying to simply be grateful and thank God instead of imagining how he may be using situations to teach me a lesson or test me. I am looking for ways that God is reaching out to me with loving hands. I agree with Anderson when he says that "we often don't even notice the things that God has done for us."
I am working on changing that.
Day 42: The Source of all Comfort:
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." —2 Corinthians 1:3-4
This scripture was actually for Feb. 11, but I took yesterday off to just be. I appreciate Anderson's story that he shared because it gives me hope that the experiences I have had may be able to help someone else. Anderson's son David was born with a double cleft lip and palate and had to endure many surgeries to heal him. As any parent can imagine, it was a difficult time, but the Anderson family found comfort in God. Once their son's surgeries were complete, Karen (Anderson's wife) was asked if she would be willing to meet with other parents and speak with them about her experiences. Of course, she was more than willing. She used her experiences to comfort other parents who were just beginning their journey to helping their child heal.
With the experiences I have had with my former church and now with my child and trying to reconcile my relationship with God, perhaps God can use me to help someone else in a similar situation, other parents of transgender kids who are struggling, or people who feel their church has been more detrimental than helpful. I do not know... but I am willing.
Day 43: Counting Your Blessings:
Be sure to fear the Lord and faithfully serve him. Think of all the wonderful things he has done for you." —I Samuel 12:24
Day 43's lesson is really about seeing God with the same loving eyes that we see our spouse or partner. "When we are in love, we count all the little things we love about the other person." Anderson believes that we need to have the same "kind of enthusiasm" for God. "We need to stop and count all of the blessings he has given us. Too often, we don't even notice the things that God has done for us or the blessings he has placed in our path. But even on those rare occasions when we do, we're more likely to attribute them to luck or coincidence."
I wouldn't say that I attribute the blessings in my life to luck or coincidence. I'd say, at least in the not so distant past, I have attributed the blessings to some kind of test—a test that I must be failing. I spoke about this before in "My Current Perspective:"
"Instead of viewing all of the wonderful things in my life (where we live, our financial security, the luxuries, pleasantries, and comforts we have in our lives) as blessings, they become a piece of God's test. He is giving us over to the pleasures of this world and what it leads to, which is death—eternal. Will we see past the smoke screen and realize these things are hindering us from truly following God?"
I am trying to change that perspective, and I believe I have made some progress with that. I am trying to simply be grateful and thank God instead of imagining how he may be using situations to teach me a lesson or test me. I am looking for ways that God is reaching out to me with loving hands. I agree with Anderson when he says that "we often don't even notice the things that God has done for us."
I am working on changing that.
Friday, February 10, 2017
When The Rain Comes
February 10, 2017
Day 41: Sing To The Lord Your Song:
"There I will go to the altar of God, to God—the source of all my joy. I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God! —Psalm 43:4
I love the fact that Anderson recognizes that music has the power to heal us. He notes that "[s]ince the beginning of time, music has been a part of God's creation" and that "in the original Hebrew language of the Bible, it says that God sang us into existence." I would love to know what that song sounded like.
So many times in my life I have turned to music as a way of coping with life events. I imagine we all have. Sometimes I do it without even meaning to; it just happens. One such instance was the day after my mother's funeral. I had an interview at Gilbert High School and was driving from Kingman to the Phoenix valley, obviously with an extremely heavy heart. I had just purchased a new cd by Third Day called Come Together and had it playing in the hopes of uplifting my spirit. As I drove, I tried to think of my interview and what types of questions I may be asked and what my responses would be, but my mind wandered through memories of my mother and the last few days before she passed. I cried through several songs and asked God, "Why? Why did my mother have to die?" The next song that played was, in a way, God's answer and his comfort.
As Third Day sang "When the Rain Comes," I felt as if God was talking directly to me. It's not that he gave a specific reason as to why my mother passed. He was simply pointing out a fact of this life: there will be hard times, the rains will come and there will be tears, but He will always help us through each sad and maddening event that we experience. He will be our guide and our refuge through every storm. He may not stop the rain, but He will hold us until it goes away.
If you'd like to hear the song, please click on the link in the caption below the photo.
Even though I was moved deeply at the time I first heard this song, it is easy to forget comforting words when you are experiencing such a loss. Slowly I drifted away and began to feel as if God didn't really care. He was going to do what He was going to do regardless of how I felt or how I prayed. If you've been reading my blog, then you know this already. When I think of how God has endured my attitudes, my willfulness, my doubt, I am amazed at His patience and His willingness to love me despite my actions. That is a blessing in itself. Wouldn't it be great if we could forever hold such moments of clarity? I'd like to think that the way I feel right now will last. However, I know full well that I will still have doubts that will lead me to question God. I will still have attitudes that need to be checked and most likely my willfulness will win at points in my life. I know this just as assuredly as I know that the rain will come.
Luckily, we have a God who sees clearly through the rain and knows our hearts.
Day 41: Sing To The Lord Your Song:
"There I will go to the altar of God, to God—the source of all my joy. I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God! —Psalm 43:4
I love the fact that Anderson recognizes that music has the power to heal us. He notes that "[s]ince the beginning of time, music has been a part of God's creation" and that "in the original Hebrew language of the Bible, it says that God sang us into existence." I would love to know what that song sounded like.
So many times in my life I have turned to music as a way of coping with life events. I imagine we all have. Sometimes I do it without even meaning to; it just happens. One such instance was the day after my mother's funeral. I had an interview at Gilbert High School and was driving from Kingman to the Phoenix valley, obviously with an extremely heavy heart. I had just purchased a new cd by Third Day called Come Together and had it playing in the hopes of uplifting my spirit. As I drove, I tried to think of my interview and what types of questions I may be asked and what my responses would be, but my mind wandered through memories of my mother and the last few days before she passed. I cried through several songs and asked God, "Why? Why did my mother have to die?" The next song that played was, in a way, God's answer and his comfort.
As Third Day sang "When the Rain Comes," I felt as if God was talking directly to me. It's not that he gave a specific reason as to why my mother passed. He was simply pointing out a fact of this life: there will be hard times, the rains will come and there will be tears, but He will always help us through each sad and maddening event that we experience. He will be our guide and our refuge through every storm. He may not stop the rain, but He will hold us until it goes away.
 |
| https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC6hmKXclP0 |
If you'd like to hear the song, please click on the link in the caption below the photo.
Even though I was moved deeply at the time I first heard this song, it is easy to forget comforting words when you are experiencing such a loss. Slowly I drifted away and began to feel as if God didn't really care. He was going to do what He was going to do regardless of how I felt or how I prayed. If you've been reading my blog, then you know this already. When I think of how God has endured my attitudes, my willfulness, my doubt, I am amazed at His patience and His willingness to love me despite my actions. That is a blessing in itself. Wouldn't it be great if we could forever hold such moments of clarity? I'd like to think that the way I feel right now will last. However, I know full well that I will still have doubts that will lead me to question God. I will still have attitudes that need to be checked and most likely my willfulness will win at points in my life. I know this just as assuredly as I know that the rain will come.
Luckily, we have a God who sees clearly through the rain and knows our hearts.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
My Child is Holy
February 9, 2017
Day 40: Get A Little R&R, Not A Tombstone With RIP:
"Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you." —Psalm 42:5-6
Anderson's lesson today focuses on our need to take a break from the world and recharge our souls. I was attempting to do that this morning, but instead I began my day feeling overwhelmed by a great sense of powerlessness, not just to make changes in the direction our government is taking, but also to help people understand that my child did not choose to be transgender. He has struggled his entire life with trying to meet society's expectations of what it means to be a girl. He has felt guilt at not being able to meet those expectations and intense despair as he has watched his body betray him. He has been disappointed and angry with himself for not being able to "just be the girl" he is supposed to be. My husband and I tried to alleviate those feelings by letting him know that he has not disappointed us, that we have never had any expectations regarding what it means to be female and that we love him for who he is, not what gender he is. The first few months of his transition were intensely emotional (for me and for him). The most difficult part was waiting for the first appointment with the psychologist. It was during that time that we visited the Crisis Center (twice) because of the suicidal ideation he was experiencing. That was the worst part for me—the thought that I could lose my child and that he was in such turmoil.
Although those first months were painful, we have been incredibly blessed in that we moved quickly through the process of seeing the psychologist and getting her approval for hormone therapy, to seeing the psychiatrist and getting her to agree with the psychologist's evaluation and then finally to the endocrinologist to start testosterone. My son, Levi, has been on T for three and a half months now and the changes in his outlook, overall attitude, and acceptance of himself has been incredible. It is a blessing to be able to allow him to go for walks by himself and to stay home alone without fear.
Today he turns 17. So this morning, as I was having my coffee, I was, of course, thinking about him, which led me to thinking about some of my family and even some of my friends. I have friends who I know do not truly support my son and are only polite about his transition, which is fine. I appreciate the fact that they withhold their judgement at least outwardly. What I have a harder time with is family who do not support our decision to help our son become his authentic self. I feel like they believe that my son is going to hell and if I support him, then I am doing him a great disservice—a disservice that has eternal consequences. My brother, who I have always been closest to and who is someone I have admired and respected my entire life, is one of those family members. I feel judged as a mother and as a Christian—as if I am not good at either. I know that he understands that I am in a difficult situation (my trans son and my husband are both non believers) and he does not envy my position at all. However, I also know that he feels that I should be strong, stand firm, and not give in to what he feels is just a desire that my son has. I know that he believes that if my son believed in God, then he would remain female. When I held back tears and explained to him that my child is the soul within, not the body, he said, "Exactly!" The argument that I thought was in my favor, is actually in his favor as well. I get it. I know what he means. He thinks that I should be praying for my son's soul. If he had a relationship with God, then God would help him overcome his sinful desire to be male and not accept the body that God has placed him in.
Those thoughts led me to remember other conversations and other visits I've had with my brother. Since my son was born, I have spent at least two weeks each summer at my brother's house and the last few years I have gone at Christmas time too. We've had many wonderful times together, but I feel our relationship is changing and that is profoundly heartbreaking to me. It's hard to think about being with him, when I know how he feels. This last Christmas was incredibly uncomfortable, but it did spark a desire for me to renew my relationship with God.
Thus this blog. As I have said, I wanted to feel God's love. My brother's perspective of God (at least how he presents it to me most often) is the same one that I have been accustomed to—God as judge and punisher of evil who will only bless those who obey and bow to Him. What it all really boils down to is that I want to know that God is not going to condemn my child for being a male born in a female body. I want to know that he loves my child and my husband and is working for their good, even though they do not believe in Him...yet. I know that the scripture says that He works for the good of those who love Him.
I am the one who loves Him.
"For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." —1 Corinthians 7:14.
Day 40: Get A Little R&R, Not A Tombstone With RIP:
"Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you." —Psalm 42:5-6
Anderson's lesson today focuses on our need to take a break from the world and recharge our souls. I was attempting to do that this morning, but instead I began my day feeling overwhelmed by a great sense of powerlessness, not just to make changes in the direction our government is taking, but also to help people understand that my child did not choose to be transgender. He has struggled his entire life with trying to meet society's expectations of what it means to be a girl. He has felt guilt at not being able to meet those expectations and intense despair as he has watched his body betray him. He has been disappointed and angry with himself for not being able to "just be the girl" he is supposed to be. My husband and I tried to alleviate those feelings by letting him know that he has not disappointed us, that we have never had any expectations regarding what it means to be female and that we love him for who he is, not what gender he is. The first few months of his transition were intensely emotional (for me and for him). The most difficult part was waiting for the first appointment with the psychologist. It was during that time that we visited the Crisis Center (twice) because of the suicidal ideation he was experiencing. That was the worst part for me—the thought that I could lose my child and that he was in such turmoil.
Although those first months were painful, we have been incredibly blessed in that we moved quickly through the process of seeing the psychologist and getting her approval for hormone therapy, to seeing the psychiatrist and getting her to agree with the psychologist's evaluation and then finally to the endocrinologist to start testosterone. My son, Levi, has been on T for three and a half months now and the changes in his outlook, overall attitude, and acceptance of himself has been incredible. It is a blessing to be able to allow him to go for walks by himself and to stay home alone without fear.
Today he turns 17. So this morning, as I was having my coffee, I was, of course, thinking about him, which led me to thinking about some of my family and even some of my friends. I have friends who I know do not truly support my son and are only polite about his transition, which is fine. I appreciate the fact that they withhold their judgement at least outwardly. What I have a harder time with is family who do not support our decision to help our son become his authentic self. I feel like they believe that my son is going to hell and if I support him, then I am doing him a great disservice—a disservice that has eternal consequences. My brother, who I have always been closest to and who is someone I have admired and respected my entire life, is one of those family members. I feel judged as a mother and as a Christian—as if I am not good at either. I know that he understands that I am in a difficult situation (my trans son and my husband are both non believers) and he does not envy my position at all. However, I also know that he feels that I should be strong, stand firm, and not give in to what he feels is just a desire that my son has. I know that he believes that if my son believed in God, then he would remain female. When I held back tears and explained to him that my child is the soul within, not the body, he said, "Exactly!" The argument that I thought was in my favor, is actually in his favor as well. I get it. I know what he means. He thinks that I should be praying for my son's soul. If he had a relationship with God, then God would help him overcome his sinful desire to be male and not accept the body that God has placed him in.
Those thoughts led me to remember other conversations and other visits I've had with my brother. Since my son was born, I have spent at least two weeks each summer at my brother's house and the last few years I have gone at Christmas time too. We've had many wonderful times together, but I feel our relationship is changing and that is profoundly heartbreaking to me. It's hard to think about being with him, when I know how he feels. This last Christmas was incredibly uncomfortable, but it did spark a desire for me to renew my relationship with God.
Thus this blog. As I have said, I wanted to feel God's love. My brother's perspective of God (at least how he presents it to me most often) is the same one that I have been accustomed to—God as judge and punisher of evil who will only bless those who obey and bow to Him. What it all really boils down to is that I want to know that God is not going to condemn my child for being a male born in a female body. I want to know that he loves my child and my husband and is working for their good, even though they do not believe in Him...yet. I know that the scripture says that He works for the good of those who love Him.
I am the one who loves Him.
"For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." —1 Corinthians 7:14.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
What Dreams May Come
February 8, 2017
Day 39: Tuning Into The News Maker:
"Now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." —Philippians 4:8
Perfect lesson for today. Dr. Anderson begins with the understatement of the century: "In today's world, it is easy to be distracted from things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. All [anyone] has to do is turn on the news! The news seems to be the antithesis of everything described in today's verse."
His advice: One, limit how much time we spend watching/reading/listening to the news; and two, pray. Not that we should put our heads in the sand, but we should "focus our attention on the one who can solve all these unsolvable problems." Rather than focusing on the problems themselves, we should focus on "the blessings that God has granted us" and pray for God to intercede.
Right now I have mixed emotions about his advice. Yes, I believe we need to pray and we need to not be overly focused on the negative, but we also need to act. I realize that Anderson, at the time he wrote this book, was not dealing with the exact situations we are currently dealing with. The news has always been a harbinger of "tragedy, heartache, and terror, and brokenness." However, today our own government is a threat to our democracy and to the ideals upon which it was formed. Trump seems to be doing everything in his power to dismantle all that is "true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable" about our country. It is so hard to simply just pray.
I do not know God's plan in all of this. So, as I sit here typing, my heart is torn. I vacillate between rage over what is happening, despair at my inability to stop it, and hope for what God may do with it. My dream and sincerest hope is that God will use this time to bring our country together, that the media will unite and start reporting the facts without the biased slant, that Christians will reevaluate their actions to see if they are truly in line with God's will and if not, they will change their actions and mindsets accordingly, that globally we will realize that all is not well and that we must stand together to fight tyranny, injustice, racism, elitism, and fascism.
I do not know why all of this is happening now or how God plans to use these current events. What I do know is that God is faithful, that I will do all I can to resist evil, and that I still believe in what dreams may come.
Day 39: Tuning Into The News Maker:
"Now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." —Philippians 4:8
Perfect lesson for today. Dr. Anderson begins with the understatement of the century: "In today's world, it is easy to be distracted from things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. All [anyone] has to do is turn on the news! The news seems to be the antithesis of everything described in today's verse."
His advice: One, limit how much time we spend watching/reading/listening to the news; and two, pray. Not that we should put our heads in the sand, but we should "focus our attention on the one who can solve all these unsolvable problems." Rather than focusing on the problems themselves, we should focus on "the blessings that God has granted us" and pray for God to intercede.
Right now I have mixed emotions about his advice. Yes, I believe we need to pray and we need to not be overly focused on the negative, but we also need to act. I realize that Anderson, at the time he wrote this book, was not dealing with the exact situations we are currently dealing with. The news has always been a harbinger of "tragedy, heartache, and terror, and brokenness." However, today our own government is a threat to our democracy and to the ideals upon which it was formed. Trump seems to be doing everything in his power to dismantle all that is "true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable" about our country. It is so hard to simply just pray.
I do not know God's plan in all of this. So, as I sit here typing, my heart is torn. I vacillate between rage over what is happening, despair at my inability to stop it, and hope for what God may do with it. My dream and sincerest hope is that God will use this time to bring our country together, that the media will unite and start reporting the facts without the biased slant, that Christians will reevaluate their actions to see if they are truly in line with God's will and if not, they will change their actions and mindsets accordingly, that globally we will realize that all is not well and that we must stand together to fight tyranny, injustice, racism, elitism, and fascism.
I do not know why all of this is happening now or how God plans to use these current events. What I do know is that God is faithful, that I will do all I can to resist evil, and that I still believe in what dreams may come.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
A Simple Lesson
February 7, 2017
Day 38: Overflowing Love:
"I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." —John 13:34
Anderson's lesson today focuses on the incredible love that Jesus has for us. "Jesus loved us so much that he was willing to sacrifice his life for us. Are we willing to do the same for others?"
Anderson admits that "[w]e all know people who make this command seem nearly impossible to fulfill. Yet, Jesus must believe it is possible for us to love others as he did—or he never would have told us to do so." Anderson suggests that when we feel that we are not loving others as Jesus did, we should stop and "remember the quality of God's love" for us, His patience and kindness and how willing [He] is to love us even when we are not ready to receive it. When we get "irritated, angry, or just forgetful, when [we] think more of [ourselves] than [we] think of the people around [us]," we need to "stop and reflect on how much God loves [us]."
It just reminds me yet again of Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."
It's a simple lesson, but hard to practice when there is so much evil and injustice in the world. I can go on and on, but in the end it will not do much good to do so. Instead, I am going to focus on love and remember that I am no better.
Day 38: Overflowing Love:
"I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." —John 13:34
Anderson's lesson today focuses on the incredible love that Jesus has for us. "Jesus loved us so much that he was willing to sacrifice his life for us. Are we willing to do the same for others?"
Anderson admits that "[w]e all know people who make this command seem nearly impossible to fulfill. Yet, Jesus must believe it is possible for us to love others as he did—or he never would have told us to do so." Anderson suggests that when we feel that we are not loving others as Jesus did, we should stop and "remember the quality of God's love" for us, His patience and kindness and how willing [He] is to love us even when we are not ready to receive it. When we get "irritated, angry, or just forgetful, when [we] think more of [ourselves] than [we] think of the people around [us]," we need to "stop and reflect on how much God loves [us]."
It just reminds me yet again of Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."
It's a simple lesson, but hard to practice when there is so much evil and injustice in the world. I can go on and on, but in the end it will not do much good to do so. Instead, I am going to focus on love and remember that I am no better.
Monday, February 6, 2017
Though We Stumble
February 6, 2017
Day 36: Crushed Without A Scratch:
"He will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone."—Psalm 91:11-12
Susan, a patient of Dr. Anderson's, by all accounts, should have been killed in the accident in which her small car went under a semi that had jackknifed, ripping off the roof as well as both front tires. Not only did she survive the crash without so much as a scratch on her, but so did her husband and two children.
Anderson uses the story to exemplify God's sovereignty. It was obvious to Anderson that only God "and his angels could have protected them in such a catastrophic situation." It was a miracle of "healing and protection."
I have experienced a similar situation when I was in my early twenties. I was driving my boyfriend's truck to the lake. He and I were going to meet up with some friends. The vehicle in front of us was blocking my view of the road so I went to pass it. I did the usual check of the left hand side, but somehow I did not see that there was a car coming. By all accounts, like Susan, we should not have survived the incident. We were head on with the other car. I could see the panicked face of the other driver. As if in a dream a film came over my eyes and then we were past the car and on our side of the road again. It was as if God reached down with his hand and shielded us. There really is no other explanation for why we did not collide with that car. I tried to play it off, like I had seen the car and knew what I was doing. Inside, my heart was racing and I thanked God for saving us.
Day 37: Learning to Walk
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." —Psalm 37:23-24
In the entry that is actually for today, February 6, Anderson shares the story of Ron. Ron was a "local farmer who raised hogs, tobacco, and six children—his favorite crop," Anderson jokes. When his children were learning to walk, "Ron would hold out a thick finger for them to grip as they careened along." He did the same for his grandchildren. When his wife passed away he was the one who held the family together. He was their rock and their support, so when he had a stroke and was found face down in a field, his children were rightfully dismayed. "Dad was always the strong one. He never wavered." Luckily, Ron, though he had suffered a stroke, survived, and after four months was able to walk on his own. When Ron came to visit Dr. Anderson he said, "The Lord helped me stand back up on my own two feet." Just as Ron had done for his children and grandchildren, God offered His hand to help steady Ron as he learned to walk again.
Anderson uses the story to remind us that when we are holding the hand of God, though we stumble we will not fall. Perhaps yesterday's entry should have been titled "we all stumble."
Day 36: Crushed Without A Scratch:
"He will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone."—Psalm 91:11-12
Susan, a patient of Dr. Anderson's, by all accounts, should have been killed in the accident in which her small car went under a semi that had jackknifed, ripping off the roof as well as both front tires. Not only did she survive the crash without so much as a scratch on her, but so did her husband and two children.
Anderson uses the story to exemplify God's sovereignty. It was obvious to Anderson that only God "and his angels could have protected them in such a catastrophic situation." It was a miracle of "healing and protection."
I have experienced a similar situation when I was in my early twenties. I was driving my boyfriend's truck to the lake. He and I were going to meet up with some friends. The vehicle in front of us was blocking my view of the road so I went to pass it. I did the usual check of the left hand side, but somehow I did not see that there was a car coming. By all accounts, like Susan, we should not have survived the incident. We were head on with the other car. I could see the panicked face of the other driver. As if in a dream a film came over my eyes and then we were past the car and on our side of the road again. It was as if God reached down with his hand and shielded us. There really is no other explanation for why we did not collide with that car. I tried to play it off, like I had seen the car and knew what I was doing. Inside, my heart was racing and I thanked God for saving us.
Day 37: Learning to Walk
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." —Psalm 37:23-24
In the entry that is actually for today, February 6, Anderson shares the story of Ron. Ron was a "local farmer who raised hogs, tobacco, and six children—his favorite crop," Anderson jokes. When his children were learning to walk, "Ron would hold out a thick finger for them to grip as they careened along." He did the same for his grandchildren. When his wife passed away he was the one who held the family together. He was their rock and their support, so when he had a stroke and was found face down in a field, his children were rightfully dismayed. "Dad was always the strong one. He never wavered." Luckily, Ron, though he had suffered a stroke, survived, and after four months was able to walk on his own. When Ron came to visit Dr. Anderson he said, "The Lord helped me stand back up on my own two feet." Just as Ron had done for his children and grandchildren, God offered His hand to help steady Ron as he learned to walk again.
Anderson uses the story to remind us that when we are holding the hand of God, though we stumble we will not fall. Perhaps yesterday's entry should have been titled "we all stumble."
Sunday, February 5, 2017
We All Fall
February 5, 2017
I took a rest day yesterday from nearly everything. So yeah, no post yesterday.
Day 35: Loving Saul To Uncover Paul:
"Ananias went and found Saul. He laid his hands on him and said, 'Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road, has sent me so that you might regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.' Instantly something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptized." —Acts 9:17-19
The lesson shared today is one I have actually thought about before. If God were to ask me to help an evil person, would I do it? In the scripture, Ananias is one of the Christians that Saul was on his way to kill before Jesus stopped him. Would I, if I were Ananias, do as Jesus asked and help Saul regain his sight and then baptize him. I'd like to think that I would.
Dr. Anderson had the opportunity to find out if he would be like Ananias when he was asked to help a prisoner who was arrested for first-degree murder. He had confessed to the crime and the police warned Dr. Anderson that he "may be violent." Anderson admits that the incident "presented a conflict for [him]. When [he]was in high school, some very close friends of [his] were murdered in a savage attack." After the murder of his friends, he "walked away from [his] faith for many years."
Anderson prayed and then approached the man. What he found, "was a man just like [himself]—fallen and broken." Anderson understood that he was no better than the man. Even though he had never committed murder, he knew he "was capable of evil if [he] strayed from the Lord."
Anderson ends with a prayer that resonates with me: "God, it's easy for me to forget that those who've committed evil in this world are your children too. Help me not to cast judgement on them, but to pray for them to see their need for you. Use me to be a light in their world."
I have thought about the ideas expressed in this prayer on and off throughout my life. It's on my mind currently because of our current situation in having to deal with a man who I feel is unfit to be president. His actions and the actions of his followers (those who voted for him as well as those who defend him) bring me to tears nearly everyday. I just don't see how anyone who professes to be a Christian can behave in a manner so contrary to anything I have ever known of Jesus. I see the president as evil and inhumane. I have lost respect for those who voted for him and for those who continue to defend his actions. However, I need to remember that I am no better than any of them. They are also God's children and he loves them, just as he loves me. That's hard, but it is the truth.
God's love extends to everyone, regardless of who they are or what they have done and he is willing to forgive everything. He doesn't view sin in degrees (according to what I've been taught). A murderer is no greater sinner than someone who is prideful or someone who has lustful thoughts or haughty eyes. I have spoken to many people who have a hard time believing in a God who could forgive a murderer in his last moments of life and allow him into heaven. They just don't believe it to be fair or just. I can understand their point, but what makes us any better than anyone else? Nothing. We all fail and "fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).
I took a rest day yesterday from nearly everything. So yeah, no post yesterday.
Day 35: Loving Saul To Uncover Paul:
"Ananias went and found Saul. He laid his hands on him and said, 'Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road, has sent me so that you might regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.' Instantly something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptized." —Acts 9:17-19
The lesson shared today is one I have actually thought about before. If God were to ask me to help an evil person, would I do it? In the scripture, Ananias is one of the Christians that Saul was on his way to kill before Jesus stopped him. Would I, if I were Ananias, do as Jesus asked and help Saul regain his sight and then baptize him. I'd like to think that I would.
Dr. Anderson had the opportunity to find out if he would be like Ananias when he was asked to help a prisoner who was arrested for first-degree murder. He had confessed to the crime and the police warned Dr. Anderson that he "may be violent." Anderson admits that the incident "presented a conflict for [him]. When [he]was in high school, some very close friends of [his] were murdered in a savage attack." After the murder of his friends, he "walked away from [his] faith for many years."
Anderson prayed and then approached the man. What he found, "was a man just like [himself]—fallen and broken." Anderson understood that he was no better than the man. Even though he had never committed murder, he knew he "was capable of evil if [he] strayed from the Lord."
Anderson ends with a prayer that resonates with me: "God, it's easy for me to forget that those who've committed evil in this world are your children too. Help me not to cast judgement on them, but to pray for them to see their need for you. Use me to be a light in their world."
I have thought about the ideas expressed in this prayer on and off throughout my life. It's on my mind currently because of our current situation in having to deal with a man who I feel is unfit to be president. His actions and the actions of his followers (those who voted for him as well as those who defend him) bring me to tears nearly everyday. I just don't see how anyone who professes to be a Christian can behave in a manner so contrary to anything I have ever known of Jesus. I see the president as evil and inhumane. I have lost respect for those who voted for him and for those who continue to defend his actions. However, I need to remember that I am no better than any of them. They are also God's children and he loves them, just as he loves me. That's hard, but it is the truth.
God's love extends to everyone, regardless of who they are or what they have done and he is willing to forgive everything. He doesn't view sin in degrees (according to what I've been taught). A murderer is no greater sinner than someone who is prideful or someone who has lustful thoughts or haughty eyes. I have spoken to many people who have a hard time believing in a God who could forgive a murderer in his last moments of life and allow him into heaven. They just don't believe it to be fair or just. I can understand their point, but what makes us any better than anyone else? Nothing. We all fail and "fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).
Friday, February 3, 2017
Thanks be to God
February 3, 2017
Day 34: A Gift of Light
"We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love." —1 John 4:16
Today's anecdote is about a woman named Rhonda whose bone marrow transplant awakened a "virus that was dormant since childhood." She did not survive, but Dr. Anderson describes her death as filled with love and peace. He and her family prayed together and Rhonda was reassured that her kids would be "left in her husband's capable hands to continue her legacy of love." She was at peace and didn't say another word over the last two hours of her life, "but her face glowed as her body slowly released her soul into eternity."
Dr. Anderson said, "When Rhonda left us that day, she left the world a better and brighter place because of the love of God she had showered on all who knew her." I wish I could say I had the same experience as Rhonda's children. I wish I could have been at peace with my mother's passing. I wasn't ready and the loss was felt deeply...profoundly...inexplicably.
(a poem I wrote shortly after my mother passed away)
I don't think I will ever "get over" my mother's death, but the deep pain of it has passed. The main reason I was not able to be at peace with my mother's passing was because of all I had been taught as a member of the International Church of Christ. I felt that my mother was going to Hell because she was not living according to how I was taught a follower of Christ was supposed to live. What was I supposed to think and feel? I was devastated and then I was angry at God for taking her before I had a chance to help her. Where was God's love and his patience? I was lost.
You would think that I would have been comforted by the fact that God allowed her spirit to visit me twice to put my fear at ease, but I was not. There was a part of me that felt it was so real and that I could trust what I saw and felt and another part of me that believed I was imagining it as a way to deal with my overwhelming grief.
The first time was the day of her funeral. We came back to the house and I sat on the bed that my mother had been using before she was admitted to the hospital. I could not stop crying. I was holding my face in my hands and I felt her spirit sit on the bed beside me. I actually felt the bed move down a little and she gently moved my hair back over my ear and said, "Don't cry, baby. I am fine." I whispered through tears, "I miss you." She said, "I know, but everything is going to be fine." ...and then she disappeared.
The second time I was driving to work, thinking of her with tears streaming down my face. I could hardly see the road. I was just about to school when I felt her spirit come through the passenger side door and sit beside me. I said, "Mom?" and though I did not hear a reply, I knew it was her. She just sat there for a minute as if she was thinking of what to say and then she told me again that she was fine and that I shouldn't cry. She let me know that she would not be able to visit me again and that she was going to travel and see the things that she never got to see in her life. That was the last time I felt her presence.
I found some comfort in those visits, but not enough to convince me that she was with God or was going to be. I still believed it was my way of coping. When I think of it all now, I realize how stubborn I can be. How frustrating I must be to God, not just in this instance, but in so many.
Thanks be to God for He is "compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness." —Psalm 103:8
Yes. Thanks be to God.
Day 34: A Gift of Light
"We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love." —1 John 4:16
Today's anecdote is about a woman named Rhonda whose bone marrow transplant awakened a "virus that was dormant since childhood." She did not survive, but Dr. Anderson describes her death as filled with love and peace. He and her family prayed together and Rhonda was reassured that her kids would be "left in her husband's capable hands to continue her legacy of love." She was at peace and didn't say another word over the last two hours of her life, "but her face glowed as her body slowly released her soul into eternity."
Dr. Anderson said, "When Rhonda left us that day, she left the world a better and brighter place because of the love of God she had showered on all who knew her." I wish I could say I had the same experience as Rhonda's children. I wish I could have been at peace with my mother's passing. I wasn't ready and the loss was felt deeply...profoundly...inexplicably.
(a poem I wrote shortly after my mother passed away)
You would think that I would have been comforted by the fact that God allowed her spirit to visit me twice to put my fear at ease, but I was not. There was a part of me that felt it was so real and that I could trust what I saw and felt and another part of me that believed I was imagining it as a way to deal with my overwhelming grief.
The first time was the day of her funeral. We came back to the house and I sat on the bed that my mother had been using before she was admitted to the hospital. I could not stop crying. I was holding my face in my hands and I felt her spirit sit on the bed beside me. I actually felt the bed move down a little and she gently moved my hair back over my ear and said, "Don't cry, baby. I am fine." I whispered through tears, "I miss you." She said, "I know, but everything is going to be fine." ...and then she disappeared.
The second time I was driving to work, thinking of her with tears streaming down my face. I could hardly see the road. I was just about to school when I felt her spirit come through the passenger side door and sit beside me. I said, "Mom?" and though I did not hear a reply, I knew it was her. She just sat there for a minute as if she was thinking of what to say and then she told me again that she was fine and that I shouldn't cry. She let me know that she would not be able to visit me again and that she was going to travel and see the things that she never got to see in her life. That was the last time I felt her presence.
I found some comfort in those visits, but not enough to convince me that she was with God or was going to be. I still believed it was my way of coping. When I think of it all now, I realize how stubborn I can be. How frustrating I must be to God, not just in this instance, but in so many.
Thanks be to God for He is "compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness." —Psalm 103:8
Yes. Thanks be to God.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Who Am I?
February 2, 2017
Day 33: Heart Disease And Disease Of The Heart:
"'O Lord,' I prayed, 'have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against you.'"—Psalm 41:4
Today Anderson focuses on the heart and notes that spiritual sickness can create "legitimate medical symptoms such as stress, high blood pressure, increased cortisol levels and chest pain." He urges us to recognize that "whether the cause of pain is a broken relationship with a loved one, private anger aimed at a coworker, or unmet dreams and desires," the pain we feel isn't "seated in the body; it's in the soul." The only way to eradicate the pain is by asking God for forgiveness. "It's a simple step in God's treatment plan, but it's a hard one for many people to take." However, when we do, we can rest assured that "God's forgiveness is complete and his healing starts immediately. His treatment brings peace and hope for the future."
I can attest to the effectiveness of God's "treatment plan." If you've been reading my blog, then you know that at the beginning of January my heart was deeply troubled and I was not in a good place spiritually. I cried out to God asking Him to show me His true nature. I begged Him to help me read His word with new eyes and to gently guide me back to Him. I wanted reassurance and love not guilt and judgement. I wanted truth and discernment and he gave me each without hesitation. With a sincerely contrite heart and tears streaming down my face, I asked Him to help me. The only thing I had to do was ask.
It's not to say that I do not have issues to work through still, or that I have it all figured out and know what it means to walk with God. What I have is a broken spirit and a contrite heart and I know from scripture that God will not reject such sacrifice (Psalm 51:17).
Last night while I was in a yoga class, the instructor asked us to answer a few questions for ourselves. One of the questions was Who Am I? I immediately thought, I am a child of God and the daughter of a King. I felt a great sense of warmth come over me as I thought those words, and as I left the class, I asked myself what do those words really mean? This morning those words mean that I can walk in this world without fear. God is in control. I can stand before God, a broken soul and know that he loves me and wants to teach me His ways. I can be wrong and still be right with God as long I remain humble and rely on Him. I can stumble and fall and know that He will be there to lift me up. All I have to do is ask.
I am a child of God.
I am the daughter of a King.
Day 33: Heart Disease And Disease Of The Heart:
"'O Lord,' I prayed, 'have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against you.'"—Psalm 41:4
Today Anderson focuses on the heart and notes that spiritual sickness can create "legitimate medical symptoms such as stress, high blood pressure, increased cortisol levels and chest pain." He urges us to recognize that "whether the cause of pain is a broken relationship with a loved one, private anger aimed at a coworker, or unmet dreams and desires," the pain we feel isn't "seated in the body; it's in the soul." The only way to eradicate the pain is by asking God for forgiveness. "It's a simple step in God's treatment plan, but it's a hard one for many people to take." However, when we do, we can rest assured that "God's forgiveness is complete and his healing starts immediately. His treatment brings peace and hope for the future."
I can attest to the effectiveness of God's "treatment plan." If you've been reading my blog, then you know that at the beginning of January my heart was deeply troubled and I was not in a good place spiritually. I cried out to God asking Him to show me His true nature. I begged Him to help me read His word with new eyes and to gently guide me back to Him. I wanted reassurance and love not guilt and judgement. I wanted truth and discernment and he gave me each without hesitation. With a sincerely contrite heart and tears streaming down my face, I asked Him to help me. The only thing I had to do was ask.
It's not to say that I do not have issues to work through still, or that I have it all figured out and know what it means to walk with God. What I have is a broken spirit and a contrite heart and I know from scripture that God will not reject such sacrifice (Psalm 51:17).
Last night while I was in a yoga class, the instructor asked us to answer a few questions for ourselves. One of the questions was Who Am I? I immediately thought, I am a child of God and the daughter of a King. I felt a great sense of warmth come over me as I thought those words, and as I left the class, I asked myself what do those words really mean? This morning those words mean that I can walk in this world without fear. God is in control. I can stand before God, a broken soul and know that he loves me and wants to teach me His ways. I can be wrong and still be right with God as long I remain humble and rely on Him. I can stumble and fall and know that He will be there to lift me up. All I have to do is ask.
I am a child of God.
I am the daughter of a King.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Answered Prayers
February 1, 2017
Day 32: A Prayer For Others May Be An Answer To Yours:
"The Lord listened to Hezekiah's prayer and healed the people." —2 Chronicles 30:20
Dr. Anderson shares a story about a man named Gerard who was a soldier in Iraq. Gerard lost both of his legs and when Dr. Anderson first met him to become his primary care physician, Gerard was "vacant and despondent." Many people prayed for Gerard. "Week after week [Dr. Anderson] watched as Gerard gained physical strength and seemed to reengage mentally and emotionally with the world around him." One day, when Gerard came in for an appointment, he walked in on "brand-new prosthetic legs...On his arm was an attractive young woman." She was his fiancee. Gerard told Dr. Anderson, "A lot of people prayed for me over the past two years, and Emily [his fiancee] was one of them."
The romantic in me finds this story particularly touching. I need stories like this to remind me of the power of prayer. Anderson ends today's entry with the recommendation that we do not give up praying for others. "Though it may take months—or years—to see an answer, what a blessing it is when it happens!"
It's so true and the blessing is not only for the person for whom we have been praying, but for ourselves as well. It's encouraging to our souls to see answered prayers and I believe it strengthens our relationship with God.
Prayers of mine that God has answered:
He blessed me with a child
He blessed Kevin with the chance to become a full time writer (New York Times Best Seller)
He blessed us financially
Because of our financial blessing, we now live in Colorado
We were able to enroll Levi in Niwot High School, the best school in our area
Niwot has been incredibly helpful and accepting of Levi as a transgender student
My step-brother Glen has mended his relationship with his father, Bob (a long-standing prayer)
God protected Manly during his surgery (I was so scared to lose him like I had my dog Emily)
There are so many really, both spoken and unspoken, but the one that I think is overall best for me is the one he answered at the start of this January. He helped me find a way back to Him.
Day 32: A Prayer For Others May Be An Answer To Yours:
"The Lord listened to Hezekiah's prayer and healed the people." —2 Chronicles 30:20
Dr. Anderson shares a story about a man named Gerard who was a soldier in Iraq. Gerard lost both of his legs and when Dr. Anderson first met him to become his primary care physician, Gerard was "vacant and despondent." Many people prayed for Gerard. "Week after week [Dr. Anderson] watched as Gerard gained physical strength and seemed to reengage mentally and emotionally with the world around him." One day, when Gerard came in for an appointment, he walked in on "brand-new prosthetic legs...On his arm was an attractive young woman." She was his fiancee. Gerard told Dr. Anderson, "A lot of people prayed for me over the past two years, and Emily [his fiancee] was one of them."
The romantic in me finds this story particularly touching. I need stories like this to remind me of the power of prayer. Anderson ends today's entry with the recommendation that we do not give up praying for others. "Though it may take months—or years—to see an answer, what a blessing it is when it happens!"
It's so true and the blessing is not only for the person for whom we have been praying, but for ourselves as well. It's encouraging to our souls to see answered prayers and I believe it strengthens our relationship with God.
Prayers of mine that God has answered:
He blessed me with a child
He blessed Kevin with the chance to become a full time writer (New York Times Best Seller)
He blessed us financially
Because of our financial blessing, we now live in Colorado
We were able to enroll Levi in Niwot High School, the best school in our area
Niwot has been incredibly helpful and accepting of Levi as a transgender student
My step-brother Glen has mended his relationship with his father, Bob (a long-standing prayer)
God protected Manly during his surgery (I was so scared to lose him like I had my dog Emily)
There are so many really, both spoken and unspoken, but the one that I think is overall best for me is the one he answered at the start of this January. He helped me find a way back to Him.
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