I used to have a blog and I let it go because I didn't feel like I could say exactly what I wanted to. I was a teacher at the time and most of the things that I thought about revolved around school, grading, and the overwhelming responsibility of projecting an attitude that everyone would approve of. As a teacher there are expectations regarding behavior and what is appropriate and professional to share and what is not. I respected the expectations, but I feel it also stifled me. I was not allowed to be a person with opinions, particularly on sensitive subjects such as politics, religion, and at times even educational practices. However, now that I am free of those unspoken expectations, my mind can wander and ponder, question and challenge, defend and protect the elements of life that I hold dear. I wanted to start this blog mainly because I am working through some internal struggles, particularly in the areas of my faith—faith in God, faith in myself, and faith in humanity.
2016 has been an interesting and at times immensely difficult year. My child came out as transgender at the end of June 2016 and although he had been struggling with gender dysphoria for sometime, there was a part of me that was still deeply devastated to learn that I was going to lose my little girl. Levi, my FTM child, was born physically female and given the name Madelyn Elizabeth Hearne. Her nickname was Maddie Girl. I cannot explain the depth of the bond that I had made with my daughter, the solidarity I felt because we were females finding our way through this crazy world together. The thought of that bond changing was something that I found incredibly difficult to deal with. Then came other fears: what will his life be like now, will people accept and love him, will he be safe doing simple things that we take for granted everyday such as using public bathrooms? Will he be discriminated against because he is transgender? These fears intensified as I realized that Donald Trump would be our next president. How could we possibly go from Barack Obama to a man like Trump?
As the realization hit that Trump would indeed be our next president, depression quickly followed. I felt betrayed by friends and family who voted for Trump. Especially when many of them paid little attention to the things that Trump had said or done or that his running mate believed. They voted for him because he was Republican and his vice president pick was a Christian. Christian? Here is where my faith in humanity began to wane. I even began to question who God really is if people could believe in their Christian hearts that Trump was the best man for the presidency. I joined several Facebook groups like Pantsuit Nation and off shoots of the same group. Many people reported the discrimination and hate crimes that they were experiencing since Trump became the president-elect. It had only been two days since the election and it felt like the world that I had known was just a facade. The progress we had made toward love, acceptance, fairness, justice, and equality was lost—instantly. It's like we jumped back 50 years. It was completely and utterly devastating (at times debilitating) and I had friends and family who believed that the election was really no big deal. The world did not implode, the sun was still rising, the birds were still singing. All I could think was, yeah, perhaps for you that is true, but for so many others, their world just crumbled before their eyes and they no longer feel safe. You have no idea what a vote for Trump really means! You have voted even against your own personal interest. Trump does not care about you. He is not for you. He is for himself and his own personal interests. It is hard to fathom how people still cannot see the truth of that.
Add to all these feelings, a deep sense of despair in my spiritual faith. I have struggled for years now in my walk with God. Really since my mother died 14 years ago. I have had an attitude of why pray because God is going to do what God is going to do and nothing you pray will change that, but this is not the attitude that I want to have as I move into this next year. My hope is to use this blog as a way of gaining a new perspective of my creator as well as to share openly about my life, my struggles, my goals and my projects.
I have chosen the word resilient as my focus word for the year because it is what I desire to be. There are going to be significant changes in my life and in the lives of those I care about. I want to stand strong in the face of these changes and I want to continue to see life as an adventure and as a blessing.
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