Filled With Hope

July 10, 2017

Day 186: "Be Like The Olive Tree:
"I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God. I will always trust in God's unfailing love."
—Psalm 52:8

Day 187: Longevity And The Love Of The Lord:
"Moses said this about the tribe of Benjamin: 'The people of Benjamin are loved by the Lord and live in safety beside him. He surrounds them continuously and preserves them from harm."
—Deuteronomy 33:12

In Day 187's lesson, Anderson encourages us to focus on viewing everyday as a gift from God and to "use each day well," valuing what we value and loving what we love.

Day 188: Daybreak's Fresh Start:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." —Lamentations 3:22-23

I, like Anderson, get up early in the morning so that I can get things done (mostly a workout) before the "distractions of the day begin to clamor for attention." With the coming of the morn, there is a renewal of spirit, a chance to start again. Everything that happened the day before is over and we each have another opportunity to grow and change for the better.  Simply, mornings are filled with hope.

There is a song that my father and step-mother used to sing that expresses that feeling of hope. It's called "Then Came The Morning." The chorus was my favorite part:

Then came the morning, night turned into day;
The stone was rolled away, hope rose with the dawn.
Then came the morning, shadows vanished before the sun,
Death had lost and life had won, for morning had come.

Below is a video of Ernie Haase & Signature Sound singing the song. Although it's lovely, I still prefer my dad and step-mother's version.  I have it on a cassette tape somewhere. My dad played the acoustic guitar and she and he harmonized so well together. It was beautiful.

https://youtu.be/cJc-HrfLqtM

Forgiveness Brings Peace

July 7, 2017

Day 184: Secrets To Health:
"Keep the commandments and keep your life; despising them leads to death." —Proverbs 19:16

Not much to say about Anderson's lesson for day 184.  He shares a story about a man who needed to eat better and exercise if he wished to live longer.  He had hypertension, diabetes and hyperlipidemia and was a smoker. He felt as if Anderson was giving him the "Ten Commandments of Health," but there was no way around it. If he wished to feel better and live longer he had to make a change. Anderson told him "...just like the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament, these rules can help you."

Like I said, I don't have much to say.


Day 185: Peace Comes From Forgiveness:
"Jesus said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace.'" —Luke 7:50

I couldn't agree more with the statement that "peace comes from forgiveness." I had been deeply hurt by my father (his actions or his lack of action) than by any other person in my life before. The negative effect that he and my step-mother had on me and all of us kids was profoundly piercing. Just the thought of having to interact with him when he was around my step-mother would make my stomach go all topsy turvy with anxious dread.  Not a pleasant time.  However, now that I have forgiven him, I do not feel any of those feelings anymore. I am truly at peace and do not harbor any animosity or regret. Not having the regret is surprising really because for so long I wanted to have a relationship with my father and I wished and wished that he would reach out to me as I was reaching out to him. You would think that I would still regret that we never had the relationship that I desired we would have.  I simply let him go.  I forgave him, releasing him from all blame, and in doing so I gave myself peace.

I do wonder if it would have been different if he was not on his death bed as I forgave him. I wonder if I would have been ready to do so if he were not.  The thought of him leaving this earth without my forgiveness was too much for me.  I just couldn't see the point of holding onto all that pain. I wanted him to be free. I wanted him to go in peace. I wanted him to know that I understood and that I loved him still and wished him well.

There is a part of me that will always see him through the admiring eyes of a seven year old girl.

Focus on Joy

July 5, 2017

Day 181: Dying To Self As Christ Died For Us:

“When we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin.” Romans 6:7

“There is no CPR for a life lived apart from God. Without Jesus, we are all destined to die spiritually.” So says Anderson. This kind of statement used to mean so much more to me than it does at this moment. It used to fill me with awe at the blessing I knew I had received when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and fear for all of those who had not yet done so. But, as I sit here reading it today, I don’t feel much of anything. I suppose if I feel anything, it is slight irritation because, yet again, fear is used as a motivator. If you don’t know Jesus, you’re going to Hell. You don’t want that now, do you? That is really what Anderson is saying. The whole thing makes me tired.  The scripture itself should be empowering. When we died with Christ we were set free. Sin has no power over us. However, Christianity, as it is too often presented today, doesn’t resonate with freedom. I can see why people turn to other philosophies; ones that encourage a sense of connectedness: a connectedness to each other and to the earth and to the universe...and ultimately to the Creator of the universe. With Christianity there seems to be a pervasive us vs. them mentality. I’m so over it. 

Day 182: A Map That Is Never Outdated:

“You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.” —Psalm 16:11

Today’s lesson is all about trusting God’s Word (the Bible). Anderson says, “Everything I wanted to know about life was contained in those sixty-six books, bound into a single volume.” I used to believe that for myself, but I don’t anymore. I used to fear looking outside of the Bible for answers. I felt that if I did I would be straying from the path and I would lose my salvation. Though I still believe that the Bible can be used to guide us, I’ve lost the belief that it is the end all be all of God’s communication with us. I think there is more to our existence and to His than what the Bible can express. It’s a good starting point, but I don’t think it ends there. 

Day 183: Approaching The Throne Of The Omnipotent:

"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking." —James 1:5

Why on earth would God rebuke someone for asking for wisdom?  Of course he wouldn't.  That was my first thought upon reading Day 183's scripture. Today's another one of those days where I woke up feeling ill at ease. Just sort of "GRRR" inside. To combat that feeling I meditated for 10 minutes and then made a plan for my day. In all actuality writing this entry was not on my plan, but I figured why not catch up on what Anderson had to say before I go for a bike ride and pick up my last check from A&J Antiques.  I closed my booth over a week ago in preparation for our move to Canada. Because it was in the middle of a pay period and we were leaving for a trip to Chattanooga, I had to wait until we got back to pick it up. My kid is going to drive me up to Fort Collins today to get it and say my goodbyes.  Yes, he has started driving. Has his official driver's license and all. It's a scary thing when your baby starts driving... but I digress.

Back to Anderson.. In today's lesson he shares the connection he saw between The Wizard of Oz characters' relationships and our relationship with God. "Each character in the show is broken. The Cowardly Lion needs courage. The Tin Man needs a heart, and the Scarecrow needs a brain. But without Dorothy to escort them to the Emerald City, they would have remained forever stuck right where they were. They needed Dorothy to approach the great wizard on their behalf. They needed her to intercede for them."  

It was easy to see where Anderson was going with his tale. Jesus is our Dorothy, only better. "We have God's own Son interceding on our behalf before the Father. Because Jesus is our advocate, we can submit our requests to the all-powerful God of the universe with confidence."  

I appreciate the fact that Jesus intercedes for us and I know that we are broken, but why is our brokenness always such a strong focus? Is it because if we don't admit we have a problem how can we even begin to fix it?  How many times must we admit we have a problem or that we are a problem? Every day, every moment? I say all of this and in my head I hear the old "that's pride talking" speeches of my past. It's not that I don't want to admit that I am sinful and in need of Jesus. I know that I am. I just wonder when will it be enough? I can't imagine my own child waking up everyday telling me how broken and unworthy he is of my love and grace and yada yada, and how much he appreciates my patience, care and guidance.  I'd rather have him recognize his worth and have his appreciation shine through all that he says and does. I feel as if many of Anderson's lessons and nearly all the lessons I have heard in the past have this sort of "we're so unworthy" tone that undercuts the joy of salvation.  Joy is not the focus.  

I want JOY to be mine. 

All Things Are Possible With God

July 2, 2017

Day 177: Last Chance For Recovery:
"Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God, for your sins have brought you down. Bring your confessions, and return to the Lord. Say to him, 'Forgive all our sins and graciously receive us, to that we may offer you our praises.'" —Hosea 14:1-2

Anderson's story for Day 177 is similar to others in that a man who struggled with alcohol addiction was able to overcome with God's help. Anderson does not make light of the struggles the man faced as he fought to stay sober, but he, of course, ultimately attributes the man's success to God and the man's dependence on Him to see him through. Reminding us once again that we should never give up because it is "never too late for God to pull you through."

Day 178: The Blessings Of Choosing Life:
"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!" —Deuteronomy 30"19

Day 178 is all about making good choices, specifically good health choices. Anderson shares a story about a man who desperately wanted to avoid being like the other men in his family who died in their forties due to heart disease.  With Dr. Anderson's help and the man's faith in God, he was able to lose 100 pounds, drop his cholesterol, and live to see his grandchildren. Anderson uses the story to remind us of the importance of the choices we make. They can either lead us to blessings or to curses. Luckily for Danny, the man of Anderson's tale, his choices led him to blessings.

Day 179: Power Over Death:
"Soon afterward Jesus wen with his disciples to the village of Nain, and a large crowd followed him. A funeral procession was coming out as he approached the village gate. The young man who had died was a widow's son, and a large crowd from the village was with her. When the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. 'Don't cry!' he said. Then he walked over to the coffin and touched it, and the bearers stopped. 'Young man,' he said, 'I tell you, get up.' Then the dead boy sat up and began to talk! And Jesus gave him back to his mother." —Luke 7:11-15

Anderson doesn't offer much beyond the actual scripture in this lesson. He mainly marvels over the power that Jesus has. Who wouldn't?! Could you imagine being this boy's mother? What an experience! How grateful and how in awe she must have been.

Day 180: A Marriage Restored:
"O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health." —Psalm 30:10

I remember growing up wishing that my parents (both sets) could restore their relationships. I didn't necessarily wish they could restore their marriages, but I did wish that they could all get along, like they seemed to be able to do before my father and my step-father's wife married and moved to Louisiana. [Yes, my father married my step-dad's ex wife. Imagine two sets of couples, they switched wives. It wasn't like, "Hey, I like your wife. Want to trade?" But that is essentially what they did.]

That day of restoration never came. Now my mother and my father have passed away and my step- parents will likely never speak again. Growing up I had hoped that somehow God would use us kids to help restore civility between our parents. God apparently has had a different plan.

I am grateful that I grew up with my mother and my step-dad. I was actually just thinking about that this morning as I woke up. I remember being so upset with my mother for not letting me move to Louisiana to live with my father. I deeply desired to have a relationship with my dad and was willing to put up with the occasionally unsettling behavior of my step-mother in order to do so. However, as time passed, I began to understand why my mom was unwilling to let me go. She knew how toxic my step-mother could be and she didn't want me anywhere near that.  She knew things that I didn't know and didn't fully understand.

It's so sad really. Now that my father has passed away, my step-mother doesn't have anyone who deeply loves her. [Beyond God]. That is so horrible to say, but I believe it to be true. She has alienated everyone with her abusive behavior, even her own children. She is lucky that my father's sister is willing to take her and my foster sister's two boys in. It is truly a mess. My step-mother is blind and has no way to care for her and the boys' basic needs, financially or otherwise. My aunt is willing to move them all to her house and care for their needs and my step-mother is fighting against the opportunity. She'd rather make my aunt drive two hours away every other day so that she and the boys can stay in their current run down trailer.  My step-mother just doesn't get it.

My hope is that somehow Glenda, my step-mother, will realize that she can't continue to behave as she does. She has to stop taking advantage of people and start being grateful for whatever assistance anyone is able to offer her. I do hope that at some point she and her son Glen will be able to restore their relationship, but I am not holding my breath.

Though I truly believe that God can do anything, I also believe that we need to be open and willing to accept His assistance. Each person that Anderson share's about in his book at some point reaches that stage.

I don't believe that my step-mother is there yet.

To be fair, I am not always there yet.

Though I do not wish to be a part of my step-mother's life, I do wish the best for her as she continues her journey. I hope she will find peace. With God, all things are possible...even this!

Holding On And Letting Go

June 28, 2017

Day 174: Turn Off Technology To Turn Off Anxiety:
"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." —Exodus 14:14

The title for Day 174's lesson resonates with me, especially as of late. So much of what I read on Facebook is anxiety inducing. Cruelty abounds, injustice is prevalent, and the feeling of helplessness increases daily. I like to be informed, just not inundated to the point that it is debilitating and I lose hope. However, through it all I am learning when to hold on and when to let go.

Day 175: She Always Knew He Was There:
"A demon-possessed man, who was blind and couldn't speak, was brought to Jesus. He healed the man so that he could both speak and see. The crowd was amazed and asked, 'Could it be that Jesus is the Son of David, the Messiah?'" —Matthew 12:22-23

I really like Anderson's discussion for Day 175 in which he shares his experience of learning about Helen Keller when he was young. I had never really thought about whether Helen Keller believed in God, but Anderson says that when Helen Keller was first introduced to the gospel of Jesus Christ, she is said to have replied "that she had always known that Jesus was there, and now she was glad to know his name."  I just really like that, perhaps because I can relate to it. That sort of intuitive knowing.  I cannot remember a time when I did not believe in God. I have always believed that there was something greater than all of us, some higher purpose, some deeper meaning to life.

Day 176: Jesus Sees The Saint In The Sinner's Smoke:
"I have seen what they do, but I will heal them anyway! I will lead them. I will comfort those who mourn." —Isaiah 57:18

The main point of Anderson's lesson for Day 176 is that "no matter what [we've] done, [we] can't hide behind a smoke screen. Jesus knows everything, and he covers it all with his blood."
We may feel as if we have done some unforgivable things in our lives, but Jesus forgives it all. Because He forgives it all, we are asked to forgive it all.

Just recently, after years and years of pain and regret I have been able to forgive my father (my biological father) for pushing me away, for allowing his wife Glenda to manipulate him into saying and doing so many hurtful things to all of us kids...his kids.  Just a few days before he passed away I was able to let go of all of the hurt, pain, hard feelings, regret, anger, frustration. All of it. It is simply gone.

Forgiveness, when it is true, is one of the most amazing things.  It's hard to explain exactly how it happens, because we can say that we forgive someone, but until it is really in your heart, you are not free from the feelings that another's transgressions or offenses have created within you. I truly have the attitude of "No hard feelings Dad. We all make mistakes."  I am deeply grateful to be free from the feelings I had for my father.  Now there is only the hope that he will be at peace.

Musings

June 25, 2017

Day 170: Crossing The Rubicon
"Jesus said to him, 'Go, for your faith has healed you.' Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus down the road.'"—Mark 10:2

Anderson asks, "Are we ready to cast our old lives aside and follow Jesus? Will we also go forward with a new vision from Jesus and refuse to look back?"

These are two questions or at least variations of two questions that I was asked before I was
baptized—the third time: once as a baby, once as a teen, and then again as an adult. Apparently I needed a lot of cleansing. (lol) Interesting thing is that when I became a member of Church of Christ, my first two baptisms didn't count in their eyes. I think my teenage one was probably when I truly accepted Christ as my savior. It didn't count in the eyes of the church because I "prayed Jesus into my heart," rather than using their way which was a 12 week study series, followed by a confession (having to write out every sin I could possibly remember and sharing that with those who studied with me) and then finally a baptism. I personally do not see any of this in the above scripture regarding the man Jesus healed. To follow Jesus, you simply need to follow Jesus. I know there is a bit more to it than that according to later scriptures regarding receiving the Holy Spirit. I suppose that a 12 week study works as a way to learn what it means to follow Jesus since we cannot physically walk with him in the traditional sense. I just feel as if Christianity today makes everything so complicated and rather rote.  The heart is beating, but it's like it's caged.

Day 171: Waiting Until The Fog Clears:
"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it's here a little while, then it's gone. What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.'"—James 4:14-15

Though there is a part of me that believes the end of the scripture to be true or that yes, that is what we ought to do, it still gets to me a bit. I know it is basically saying "God's will be done," and there is much good to come of that, but somehow it makes me feel far from God.

Day 172: Practicing Sabbath All Week Long:
"This dear woman, daughter of Abraham, has been held in bondage by Satan for eighteen years. Isn't it right that she be released on the Sabbath.?" —Luke 13:16

This scripture reminds of me of something I read earlier this morning that spoke of Jesus and what he would do.

1. He openly questioned the religion of his upbringing.
2. He quoted scripture from his " Bible" said it was wrong and did otherwise. 
3. He encouraged others to move beyond the commandments in scripture to follow their heart.
4. He openly embraced people his " Bible" forbade him to associate with and he was NOT trying to convert them to his religion.
5. He never asked to be worshipped and did not start a new religion.
6. He did not believe scriptures were the "Word of God." (He clearly called them "The word of Moses.")
7. He was shut out, shunned and eventually killed by religious leaders.
8. He never asked anyone to pray a "sinner's prayer" or to ask him into their heart.
9. He rarely attended religious gatherings and, when he did, it was often to denounce their practices.
10. He put "meeting human need" over any kind of religious activities or exercises. 


I would much rather do as Jesus would do.


Day 173: The Crying Ceases When The Music Comforts:
"Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will heart their cries and comfort them."
—Psalm 10:17

I completely agree with Anderson when he he says, "There is something deep within each of us that is touched by music. It resonates in our hearts and souls and heals us from the inside out."

I can't imagine my life without music.  It reaches my heart quicker than any words can.

The Hard Truth

June 21, 2017

Day 169: Admitting The Hard Truth:
"Even when you are chased by those who seek to kill you, your life is safe in the care of the Lord your God, secure in his treasure pouch!" —1 Samuel 25:29

I probably should not respond this way, but "treasure pouch?"  That just makes me laugh and picture a kangaroo. Though I suppose that image works best if you desire to capture the feeling of safety and security. What could be safer than being nestled and protected in a pouch? Plus the added image of it being a treasure pouch. Of course people will protect their treasure. So I guess it all works. I feel as if I am being irreverent with such thoughts, but there they were. Just like waking up this morning and having my first thought be, "No one really likes you; they are just putting up with you." REALLY? That's what my mind decides to start my day with? I didn't even have my eyes open yet. That thought and today's title for Anderson's message does not sit well with me. Haha. Yes, I know it was only a thought, but what a way to wake up!

I imagine (among other reasons) that is why it is important to take every thought captive.  Our thoughts can lead us to unhealthy, unhelpful, and untrue ideas about ourselves and others. I'd rather my thoughts do the opposite.

There is so much out there regarding the power of thought: documentaries, books, scientific studies, individual success stories, quotes from famous historical figures, the list goes on.  So, instead of believing the lies that my mind seems to conjure up out of nowhere and giving into those thoughts, today I choose to admit the simple, yet hard truth—I may not be able to control what thoughts come into my head, but, as author Joyce Meyer has said, "I can decide if they'll stay there."

It's My Choice

June 20, 2017

Day 168: Presence In The Present Moment:
"Can all you worries add a single moment to your life?" —Matthew 6:27

I want to write about Anderson's lesson of how everyone at the death of this man Paul showed their worries on their faces until Anderson told them, "I feel the presence of the Holy One in the room right now, and it won't be long [until Paul passes]. But only the Lord knows exactly when that will be." I want to write about how wonderful it is that Anderson's words could make the family's "worry lines [soften] as [they] began to understand that [they] were on holy ground...and a sense of peace that surpasses understanding seemed to fill everyone in the room."  I want to write about all of that, but my mind is off somewhere else.

Ever have those mornings where you wake up and you're just uncomfortable in your body? You can feel your clothes clinging to your thighs and stomach and you hate yourself. Sometimes, for me, that feeling lasts for a moment or two. Other times it is all day.  Honestly, my body is not much different than yesterday, but it feels different.  I feel thicker somehow and I hate it.  Then I go downstairs to get a coffee and see that once again my husband has left remnants of his breakfast on multiple counters and it just irks me! Why? Why can't he clean up after himself?

It's on days like these that I need to stop my mind from whirling into darkness. Do I really care that my husband didn't clean up his breakfast or am I just upset because of how I woke up feeling? I think the latter.  So what do I do about it?  To be honest, I started to blame these new birth control pills that I have been taking.  I did not want my pill changed, but the ones I have used for years were supposedly out of stock, so some Dr., who I have never seen, prescribed something similar. I take birth control pills to keep my moods balanced. When I wasn't on birth control I was depressed and at times experienced suicidal ideation. So being on the right pill is important to me. Normally in the first few weeks of a new pack of pills I feel great, happy, content, productive. But not with this new set of pills.  My problem is that I am unsure if it is the new pill making me feel this way, or if it is all the added stress of my son's surgery, my estranged father being in the hospital and not being able to see him or even knowing if I should try to see him, us moving to Canada and not being sure if the money to pay for the truck will arrive in time, everyday having to have the house ready to show at a moment's notice, and generally feeling like I can't work on projects because I may need to clean up at any moment. So is it the pill or is it simply stress?

Regardless of what it is, all my worries cannot add a single moment to my life. In fact as Dr. Anderson put it, "neither can it take a moment away."  I am simply in the middle of a transition in my life and transitions are often difficult.  Many changes are taking place at once and the last time this happened in my life I did not handle it well.  I have spoken of it before [death of my mother, financial problems, church issues]. I am determined to find the joy in this transition. I have so much to be grateful for. So much:

My husband's success as an author
Being able to live in Colorado for the last three years
Having had the chance to travel to Australia
Being able to send our son on trips to Australia, Japan, England, Scotland, and New York City
Having the time to focus on my health and fitness after years of neglect
Getting the opportunity to open a craft business
Getting to experience a new country and be closer to my family as we head to Canada

But the greatest of all of these and more is that we have been able to help our child in a way that would have never been possible before. Moving to Colorado put us in the best position to help our son mentally, emotionally, and physically. We have had the best education, the most supportive community, and above all, easy access to the best health care professionals for transgender kids. My son was able to have top surgery two weeks ago and he has never felt better. Last Friday when he and I went for our usual drive, he looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said, "For the first time I feel right. I feel happy in my own skin. It's euphoric!"  He just couldn't believe how good he felt and was all choked up thinking about it.  It made me well up too.  There really is no greater feeling than knowing your child is happy through and through.

So yeah, I may have woken up in a mood, but I have a choice. I can choose to allow that mood to poison my day, making me feel bad about myself and worry about things that are out of my control, or I can choose to be grateful and trust.

I choose gratefulness and trust.

Remaining Open

June 19, 2017

Day 165: Going With A Smile:
"My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming.'"
—Psalm 27:8

Day 166: Career-Saving Strength From God:
"Strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees." —Isiah 35:3

Day 167: Prayers For A Vote To Go Our Way:
"The council then threatened them further, but they finally let them go because they didn't now how to punish them without starting a riot. For everyone was praising God for this miraculous sign—the healing of a man who had been lame for more than forty years." —Acts 4:21-22

All three of these scriptures and the anecdotes that Anderson shares to go with them speak of trusting God—trusting that He will bring you home when the time is right and when He is ready to, trusting that you are where you are because He wants you there, trusting that He will deliver you in times of distress and danger.

Trust is the recurrent motif in much of what I have been reading as of late. I just finished Peter Enns' book The Sin of Certainty in which he focuses on trusting God rather than being certain of what you believe the Bible says. He explains that:
           "Letting go of the need for certainty is more than just a decision about how we think; it's
            a decision about how we want to live. When the quest for finding and holding on to certainty
            is central to our faith, our lives are marked by traits we wouldn't normally value in others:
            ...dogmatic certainty, vigilant monitoring of who's in and who's out, preoccupation with
            winning debates and defending the faith, privileging the finality of logical arguments,
            conforming unquestionably to intellectual authorities and celebrities. A faith like that is in
            constant battle mode....That kind of faith is not marked by trust in the Creator. But trust in
            God casts out fear and cultivates a life of trust that flourishes regardless of how certain we
            feel."

I appreciate his perspective because I personally feel as if I no longer have the capacity or desire to blindly follow a prescribed set of rules of what it means to follow God. I don't know how to "think correctly about God." If we can get beyond "correct thinking" and that need to be right and fight tooth and nail to prove that we are, and instead trust, it is then that we will know peace. As Enns says: "Developing that culture of trust rather than preoccupation with certainty means discerning, articulating, and embodying the heart and soul of the Christian tradition, while also—and just as passionately—remaining open to the movement of God's Spirit.

I want to remain open.

Trust is Stronger Than Belief and Deeper than Faith

June 16, 2017

Day 164:  Faith Based Medicine:
"Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence we cannot see." —Hebrews 11:1

The point of Anderson's lesson today is that though we trust our doctors and they in turn trust their training and various clinical studies, the only one we can really 100% trust is the Great Physician. "So why don't we put our trust and faith in the good doctor [God] who guarantees his treatment is 100% effective every time? Anderson says that some people say it's because "we can't see him." He believes that to be a problem because "we place our faith and trust in things we can't see all the time." For Anderson "there is enough evidence that God keeps his promises that [he] will fully trust [in God] until the day that [he dies].  He has "faith in his faithfulness."

When I looked up the differences between faith, belief, and trust the same story was shared by several authors. Each one focused on a gentleman by the name of Charles Blodin, who was a tightrope performer in the 1800s. Mara Shapshay in a blog entry stated that "Blodin was great at wowing the crowds with suspense and thrills. ...One time he carried his manager on his back" as he walked a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Shapshay notes that "In one show he asked the audience if they would be interested in seeing him push a wheelbarrow over the tightrope. The audience screamed out, 'Yes.'
The crowd had faith that he could push a wheelbarrow across the tightrope because they had seen him do many stunts before. But when Blondin asked if anyone would be interested in getting in the wheelbarrow, the response was a unanimous, 'No!'" The crowd's response is not surprising, but Shapshay uses the anecdote to exemplify that "we have faith that there is a higher power out there. We believe in that power. But how many of us really trust that higher power enough to get into that wheelbarrow?"

Though at times I may doubt and my faith may waver, my trust in the Lord remains.  I am still willing to get into the wheelbarrow. My trust is what keeps me moving forward.


  

Grounded and Connected

June 15, 2017

Day 163: Freed From Sin and Bad Choices:
"Because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." —Romans 8:2

Anderson's lesson today focuses on sin and the fact that we can be freed from it if we would only turn to Jesus. It is the same lesson I've heard for many years. While reading what he had to say about the mistakes that people make, and continue to make, and how if we would only stop making those mistakes, I just kept thinking, "Why, on God's green earth, does there always need to be a discussion of sin?" I know we sin. Everyone sins; everyone makes mistakes. We know this! Whenever there is a focus on God, there is always a focus on sin and how Adam and Eve's choice to be defiant doomed us all from the beginning until the coming of Christ who saves us from ourselves and our sinful nature. ARG!

I think what I find so distasteful about these discussions is that it makes me feel worthless. There is nothing redeeming about me, about us. We are creatures of wrath who are only saved by the grace of God through the sacrifice of Jesus. True as it may be, do we need to rehash that endlessly? Instead of being partners with God and Jesus, creators in our own right, inventors, and crafters of our world, we are reduced to destructive beings who lack control, destroyers of the bond we could have had with God, ruinous and vile creatures who God can only look on if we are covered in the blood of his sacred Son.

Perhaps I am missing something. Perhaps when I was baptized, I was not washed as clean as snow. Why should I still feel so unworthy? Why should a scripture like today's bother me and remind me that I am indeed worthy of death without Christ?  Why would God create us just to condemn us in the end if we don't do just as He says?  It contradicts all that I know of what it means to love. It would seem that Christianity, as it is so often presented, is based on fear. Fear of what will happen if we sin (miss the mark), if we don't know Jesus, if we fail some test of faith, if we wander a path that other Christians deem unsuitable, if we question and doubt, if we rebel, if we lose hope... Fear.

I wish I could change this view, wipe it out forever.  When will I be able to approach the thrown of God with complete confidence?  I think I know the answer to that, but it contradicts all that I have been told of what it means to be a Christian and to know God. Here is what I believe it will take:
I need to stop reading the Bible as if it is the answer to everything. As if is the very word of God, inerrant and perfect. There, I said it.  And you know what I feel? Relief, yet still a small twinge of fear. What if I am wrong?  I just know that when I have gone to God directly, when I have approached Him as a child approaches a loving parent, trusting and believing that He will listen without expectation of perfection, I have felt closer to Him than at any other time. I have felt loved and worthy of His time as if He truly cared about what I had to say. I have felt connected to Him, a part of Him. That is how I want to feel everyday.  Grounded and connected.

If Only...

June 14, 2017

Day 162: The Source Of Healing:
"Moses made a snake out of bronze and attached it to a pole. Then anyone who was bitten by a snake could look at the bronze snake and be healed." —Numbers 21:9

You know, I read something like that and I think, "If one can believe that, then what is so far fetched about believing in Native American or Greek/Roman myths. Why is the Bible the end all and be all of spiritual knowledge and guidance?

All of that said, it has little to do with Anderson's point for the day which is basically that in America we have lost touch with the source of healing (God) and have focused on the symbols (doctors, medical practices, etc.). "In America, many of our hospitals were founded by Jewish or Christian organizations. When they first started, they looked to God as the source of healing. But over the years, many of our most prestigious medical schools and hospitals have lost much of their faith-filled roots." He finds that to be "unfortunate for the patients who are there because medical science works best in conjunction with God's healing." He even alludes to research that has been done to "support the conclusion that prayer and faith have a positive effect on physical health and well being. These studies suggest that the disciplines of our faith should be a part of our modern medical treatment plan."

I can see his point. Having faith and believing affects one's attitude in a positive way and no one can really argue with the power of positive thinking. Whether that can be attributed to faith in God, or faith in the universe, or some higher power, there is an undeniable positive effect in maintaining hope, having faith, being grateful for what you have and believing you will receive what you are hoping for.

Now if we would only apply that power to our lives consistently without doubt or fear or whatever else it is that holds us back.  If only...

It's The Journey

July 13, 2017

Day 159:  Last Breath:
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing." —2 Timothy 4:7-8

While reading this scripture I thought, "I don't need a crown of righteousness or a prize." I just want to do what is good and loving in this world while I am here.  This scripture, or perhaps it's just this day, makes me feel tired.  I do not feel all that "eager" and I am tired of trying to live up to some ideal of what it means to be a righteous Christian.  It makes me tired to my bones some days.  I just want to love others, accept others, support others, be there as a friend and partner. I don't need to be right or righteous.  The word righteous used to be special to me, but now when I hear it, I think of being self-righteous, pig headed, stubborn, unwilling to listen to another's side...all because one thinks they are right and are following God's will.

Day 160: Laughing The Last And Best: 
"When Jesus arrived at the official's home, he saw the noisy crowd and heard the funeral music. "Get out!" he told them. "The girl isn't dead; she's only asleep." But the crowd laughed at him."
—Matthew 9:23-34

Anderson's wise words for today: "If someone tells you that your faith doesn't change things or that praying for healing is a wast of time, don't stop believing or praying. It won't be the first time that doubters laughed and were proved wrong."

Day 161: God Of The Impossible:
"Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."
—Genesis 18:14

I truly do believe that nothing is impossible for God, as Anderson points out in today's lesson of a woman who was literally on her death bed and yet recovered to join her family at her son's wedding, even walking him down the aisle.  I know that God can do amazing things. Whether it is His plan or not is another story.  I will most likely always have a hard time with that. He can, but will He?

The part that I am working on is being okay with the answers God gives and not doubting his love just because it was an answer that I either found unfavorable or was not expecting.  Bottom line, I am working on being grateful for whatever comes my way.  Do I succeed everyday? No, but I am willing to keep trying.

Conflicting Feelings

June 10, 2017

Day 157: Release From Captivity:
"You are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living."
—Romans 6:18

I don't think Anderson's title really captures what is happening in this scripture.  Release from captivity, but captured again by something else. Albeit, righteousness, but it's still captivity. It's still enslavement.  I think it's great and all, but it (meaning righteous living) can be interpreted in such a way as to be alienating, intolerant, unloving, unaccepting and unjust to others who do not have the same view of what it means to live righteously. My brother believes to live righteously he must not support my son in his transition. He must continue to call my son my daughter and use feminine pronouns although I have tried to make him aware of the emotional and psychological damage that it can cause my son.  But, my brother is set on doing what he believes is right in God's eyes.

So yeah, there's that.

Day 158: The Rule For A Long Life:
"You must serve only the Lord your God. If you do, I will bless you with food and water, and I will protect from illness...and I will give you long, full lives." —Exodus 23:26

You can just hear the other side of this: And if you don't, I will ________.   I came to Anderson's text this afternoon in the hope of being encouraged by the scriptures, but instead I feel that the thoughts I was having on my bike ride this morning are being confirmed. I was thinking about my entry a few days ago and how I said that deep down I believe God's promise is enough. I still believe that it is, but I have this nagging thought that all of God's promises come with having to fulfill a condition.  If you ______, I will _______.  Nothing is given freely. I suppose that fits with how society works. Nothing is free. Still, I feel that in order to receive God's love and blessings, there are conditions that first need to be fulfilled. To me it contradicts the notion of unconditional love. I think if it was 10 years ago, I would have looked at this scripture very differently.  I would have probably found comfort in it.

I can see both sides. After all, why should anyone, God or otherwise, want to bless a person who does not show concern or even acknowledge them?  Why should God bless and meet the needs of people who ignore Him or stand in opposition to Him? I suppose I feel that God should be above the fray. My child does not have to listen to me and follow everything I say in order to receive love, acceptance, and have his basic needs met.  Which is why scriptures like this one do not sit well with me anymore.  I can hear man behind these words, not Divinity.

God's Promise

June 8, 2017

Day 154: God's Diet: 
"By these instructions you will know what it is unclean and clean, and which animals may be eaten and which may not be eaten." —Leviticus 11:47

Let me just say I am glad that we do not have to really concern ourselves with "clean and unclean" animals anymore.  All the rules that were previously imposed upon us have changed.  Anderson says that at the time that these laws were in effect, there was good reason for them.  "During that time in history, many of the restricted foods had significant health risks associated with them." Pork carried trichinosis and the cooking practices were not what they are today. "We no longer worry about these dangers because our cooking practices have changed. We use thermometers to test the temperature of meat to make sure it is thoroughly cooked."  The point that Anderson really desires to make in today's lesson is that God promises to care for his children if they follow his laws.

Day 155: Amazing Faith:
"When Jesus heart this, he was amazed. Turning to the crowd that was following him, he said, "I tell you, I haven't seen faith like this in all Israel!" And when the officer's friends returned to his house, they found the slave completely healed." —Luke 7:9-10

Although Anderson means for today's lesson to be deeply encouraging, I can see how someone may not find comfort in it. He explains a bit of the context of the scripture citing that Jesus was amazed by the faith of the Roman soldier who stepped out of the hierarchy of the day and trusted Jesus, a Jewish man, to heal the slave.  It was uncommon and even dangerous for a Roman soldier to seek the help of a Jewish person.  "For a Gentile with a high-level military position, this action could have cost him his job—or worse." Anderson tells us to have the faith of the Roman soldier and believe that Jesus "needs only to speak a word in order for [us] to be healed."  Here is where I think someone may feel a little discouraged. What happens when Jesus does not speak that "word?" I can tell you what will most likely happen; the person seeking healing will feel discouraged that Jesus is not responding and/or the person will beat themselves up thinking that they must not have enough faith to incite a response.  Neither is encouraging.

Day 156: Losing Everything But A Promise:
"As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." —Micah 7:7-8

I've got to be honest, when I first read the title for day 156, I was not encouraged.  I have quite a bit of my life that is up in the air right now and the thought of losing everything (but a promise) does not fill me with confidence and joy.  However, Anderson's story is heartwarming and encouraging.  A woman named Loretta had lost her husband and became very depressed. The once beautiful and vibrant woman wasted away physically, mentally, and emotionally.  When she fell and broke her hip, Dr. Anderson feared that she wouldn't have "the emotional and mental fortitude" required to come back from such a fall.  During the most "acute phase," Anderson prayed with her, and though she did not immediately snap out of her depression, she made it through the surgery and it wasn't long before she was being praised by her physical therapist for her progress. "Three months later, she was back on her feet, and her smile was as radiant as ever." When Dr. Anderson told her that he was proud of her, she said, "I lost everything, except for the promise that God would save me."

I suppose, in the end, that is all we have: God's promise.  Deep in my heart...that is enough.

And So We Beat On...

June 5, 2017

Day 150: I Was Blind, But Now I See:
"They went right into the house where he was staying, and Jesus asked them, "Do you believe I can make you see?" "Yes, Lord," they told him, "we do." Then he touched their eyes and said, "Because of your faith, it will happen." —Matthew 9:28-29

In day 150's lesson, Anderson suggests that we "Ask Jesus to open [our] eyes and give [us] a vision for what he has planned for [our lives].  I feel as if whenever I've done that, I have mistaken the plan. I have read more into it than what was there or was completely wrong about what God possibly had in mind.  So, I don't know.  Perhaps it's better to just wait and watch God work, lay our requests before Him and be confident that He always has our best interest at heart, whatever the answer may be.

Day 151: Secret Past:
"It was our weakness he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins!" —Isaiah 53:4

I appreciate Anderson's lesson regarding secret pasts. We don't know what someone else is dealing with, what demons they face. It is always best to approach people with compassion rather than judgement.  I think we all make judgements about people, snap judgements, judgements due to our personal experiences with them and others like them, but it's important to remember that everyone has a story to tell and we do not always know what that story is, even if we think we do.

Day 152: Trusting Through The Storms:
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." —1 Peter 5:7

Trusting through the storms of life can be difficult, but it can also be freeing.  I have been in my fair share of storms. I am currently in one.  It's been brewing for awhile and it just came to a head today. I had to tell my brother point blank that he can't be around my son and use feminine pronouns. It is psychologically damaging to my kid and I can't have it.  All my brother said was Ok. I'm still uncertain what that Ok means, but I assume, based of our previous conversations, it means that he just won't be visiting us when we move to Canada.  I am fine with that. It's not my preference, but I will not have anyone insensitively causing my kid pain or harm because of a personal conviction they have. He can hold his convictions as tightly as he wishes and chose them over loving and respecting my son, but he can't hold them over us and expect us to endure.  I just can't. Though I love my brother and want him to be a part of my family's lives, my child is my world. God has given him to me to love and protect and that is exactly what I plan to do until the day I no longer breathe.

Day 153: An Encouraging Word Calms The Soul:
"Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." —Ephesians 4:29

This scripture is a good one to remember, especially in light of all that has been happening in our country and even in my personal life as of late.  It can be hard to be encouraging when you, yourself, feel so discouraged by the behavior of people, the things they say and do.  I don't always succeed, but I try to see things from other people's points of view. I try to understand them, their reasoning and their perspective and not simply descend into a profuse string of profanity to soothe myself.  The release that profanity provides is short lived and at some point, you still need to come back to logic and reason, sympathy and compassion.

"And so we beat on, boats against the current..."

Letting Go

July 1, 2017

Day 147: Ask In His Name:
"This same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:19

In today's lesson Anderson encourages us to not be "afraid to ask Jesus for what [we] need. He promises to 'supply all your needs from his glorious riches.'"  I wouldn't say that I am afraid to ask for what I need, or what I believe I need. As I have already mentioned multiple times, my reservation comes in when I feel as if whatever I pray doesn't really matter because God is going to do what He is going to do.  That feeling persists even now, but I try to fight it off.  


Day 148: Vacationing With God:
"This good news—that God has prepared this rest—has been announced to us just as it was them. But it did them no good because they didn't share the faith of those who listened to God." —Hebrews 4:2

This entry comes at a good time since I am currently on vacation at our Timeshare in Scottsdale. Anderson asks us to think about the fact that God has "invited us to rest with him. The creator of the universe had a vacation planned, and he created us just in time to share that vacation day with him. What's more, he invites us into that peaceful garden of rest every seven days."  I personally have a difficult time just resting.  I have gotten better at it since I have stopped teaching, but I still feel best when I am being productive and accomplishing tasks.


Day 149: Confession Is Good For The Soul:
"If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened." —Psalm 66:18

I use to be a devout believer in the power of confession. I felt it was deeply healing, but I am more reserved about it now.  Anderson suggests that we find a trusted friend, family member, or spiritual leader and confess anything that is holding [us] back from the life that God desires for [us]." I am much more wary of confession now than I used to be. Experiences I have had in my former church have tainted my view of "trusting spiritual leaders and friends." I still confess to God and to a few people in my life, but I am not as trusting as I used to be of people just because they may be spiritual leaders.  Sometimes it makes me sad to remember how trusting I was and to know that I no longer am, and most likely never will be again. I suppose that comes with experience and a loss of innocence.  You can never really go back.  But, that's okay.  I am becoming more comfortable letting go and embracing what is new.

In All Sincerity

May 29, 2017

Day 145: Miracles of Faith:
"Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said,"Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well." And the woman was healed at that moment." —Matthew 9:22

Anderson makes an excellent point in today's lesson in which he shares a story about a woman who came into the emergency room experiencing an abnormally rapid heartbeat. The only way to treat the problem was to administer medicine that would stop her heart in the hope that it would reset itself. The woman was obviously concerned about whether her heart would restart itself (so was Anderson, but he had to reflect confidence). He explained, "God designed your heart with a reset button, kind of like your computer. You may feel a little funny when your heart stops, but if you trust the knowledge he has given us, soon your heart will be back in rhythm."  The treatment worked as Anderson expected it to, but when he thinks back to that day he realizes "that the patient had tremendous faith in [him] and in the science of medicine—and that [faith] allowed [them] to treat her and heal her." He believes that "Every day, God asks us to place our trust in him and allow him to do what he knows is best so we can be healed."  However, how often do we question God's plan? "How often do we choose to put our faith and trust in something else?"

Anderson's questions are something I think about frequently.  I question God's plan all the time and then question my questioning.  I try to guess what God has planned in situations, especially when the situation is painful or seemingly unnecessary. I try to trust and believe that He will work all things out for the good, but I still question and second guess.


Day 146: Renewed Attitude:
"Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life...Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes." —Ephesians 4:22-23

I have experienced a shift in attitude several times in my life and it has always been refreshing, especially when it has been inspired by the Spirit. At the start of this year, as I was just beginning this blog, I was in desperate need of a renewal of thoughts and attitudes. I felt my faith slipping away and I was afraid I would lose it completely. I cried out to God without reservation and without promises. I just wanted to know Him for myself, to understand Him and His plan. I wanted to trust Him and believe that He had all of our best interests in mind (mine, my family's, my friends' and my country's). I am still working on trusting without doubting and questioning, but I believe the struggles I face as I go through this process is something that God expects and honors if we come to Him with a sincere heart.

To Thine Own Self Be True

May 27, 2017

Day 137: The Enemy Is Cancer:
"The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you. He drives out the enemy before you; he cries out, "Destroy them!" —Deuteronomy 33:27

A title I can agree with: Cancer IS the enemy.  Cancer took my mother long before her time.  As I say that and even believe it, perhaps it was her time. Who am I to really say when it's someone's time to pass?  There are many sayings like that; we say them as a way of comforting ourselves or as a way of making sense of seemingly senseless situations.  God is supposed to know the number of our days and we will get no more and no less than what He has decided.  Even that is something we just say...

Anderson's anecdote today is about a man named Bryant who had leukemia. It's another case of Anderson espousing the power of prayer.  I sound as if I do not believe in its power, but I do. After much prayer, Bryant's leukemia went into remission.  Anderson ends by saying that "God hears our prayers, and he desires to drive out our enemies, even if they are unseen rogue cancer cells. Prayer can be the weapon that fights even the worst diagnosis. Remember, with God all things are possible—even driving out cancer."

I find it interesting. Well, perhaps interesting is not the word. For the lack of a better word, I find it interesting how I can hold two contradictory beliefs as equally true. I know that prayer is powerful. I believe in its power, but I also believe it can have little effect (especially if what you are praying for is not God's will). Why is it so hard to erase the idea that God will do what God will do regardless of how much prayer is lifted up to Him?  I wish I had the unshakable faith that I used to have.


Day 138: Healing Outside The Box:
"When Jesus returned to Capernaum, a Roman officer came and pleaded with him, 'Lord, my young servant lies in bed, paralyzed and in terrible pain,' Jesus said, 'I will come and heal him.'"
—Matthew 8:5-7

I like what Anderson has to say today regarding finding healing outside the box.  He explains that at the beginning of his practice he had some difficulty trusting and believing in alternative medicine offered by chiropractors and acupuncturists. He said he had to witness their healing powers before he felt comfortable accepting their methods as part of his own patients' treatments. Now he is more open to collaboration with them.  What I like about what he has to say is that he admits that we need to be open to accepting help from others who may not be in our normal circle.  He says we should "challenge [ourselves to have] faith that someone outside of [our] usual circles may have something to add to [our] healing."

Day 139: Grandma's Hope, God's Miracle:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."
—Romans 15:13

The best part of what Anderson has to offer today lies in his last statement: "God is able. With him, the most difficult journey is possible."

It's these kinds of statements that I find most encouraging.  Even though it is like so many other things we "just say," I still find comfort in it.  I have no doubt that "God is able." Where I tend to doubt is when I think "Yes, but is He willing?"

Day 140: Mind Of God:
"May you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is." —Ephesians 3:18

In today's lesson Anderson marvels over the power of our brains and imagination.  He says, "These brains of ours are such an amazing gift that I feel we have a responsibility to use them in equally amazing ways." His prayer for humanity is that "we recognize how privileged we are to have such power to think and imagine and that we would all use that power to meditate on the idea of today's verse."

Like Anderson, I believe we may never fully understand the love of God, but that should not stop us from trying.

Day 141: Relighting A Candle In The Darkness:
"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of the deep waters. He rescued me from the powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at the moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me." —2 Samuel 22: 17-20

I like the idea that God may delight in me.  It's nice to think about, but believing it is more difficult. It's hard to let go of the images perpetuated through years of church attendance and Puritanical depiction of humanity as creatures of wrath.  So many sermons suggesting that we are worthy of destruction, that we deserve nothing and that it is only by the grace of God and Jesus' sacrifice that we can even approach our heavenly father.  It's hard to let those images go and replace them with visions of God delighting in us.

Day 142: Gone Ahead To Our True Home:
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place." —Isaiah 43:2-3

Anderson's anecdote for today is about a husband and wife who endured the loss of their home twice in a short amount of time and then the husband died. What I find most moving about this story is the wife's attitude.  She never despaired over the losses they experienced.  She still felt "blessed." When asked how she was doing now that her husband was gone, she replied, "He's not gone. He's just up ahead, and I know where he is. He's in heaven. And there's no doubt in my mind that he's helping Jesus prepare our forever home."

When I was writing what I find most "moving" about this story, I, at first, used the word convicting in place of moving, but I just couldn't let that word stay.  Convicting is a word that was used so often in my former church. I started to type it and realized how disturbed I was by the word.  Again, it perpetuates the idea that we are unworthy of trust and love, that we are condemned from the start, that we are doomed and guilty.  Why is that word used, except to make us feel guilty for feeling, believing, or behaving in a particular way? It's such a small thing, but it has deeply penetrated my psyche and has had damaging effects in how I view myself and how I view God.  My goal with this blog is to work through such things, to recognize them for what they are and to move past them so they no longer trigger negative feelings within myself.  To throw away such perceptions, to redefine and reshape my relationship with God...that is my ultimate goal.

Day 143:  Living In The Now But Looking Forward To The New:
"We are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control."
—Philippians 3: 20-21

Anderson uses a story of two young brothers who suffer with muscular dystrophy to remind us to live our lives as these brothers have: "aware of our limitations but living life fully in spite of them."  The boys had the attitude that they may be limited here on earth, but that God has plans to give them a new body. They said that they "can't wait for Jesus to give [them] new legs, so [they] can run to meet him."

I am always amazed by the spirit of children. They are so resilient and open, loving and forgiving. It's no wonder Jesus says that we need to be like little children if we want to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Day 144: Heart Health:
"Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." —Ephesians 3:17

Anderson states that "our physical strength is derived from our hearts. When the heart malfunctions, everything else starts to fail. Spiritually speaking our heart is also central to our spiritual strength. If Jesus lives in our hearts, it seems that everything else—mind, body, and soul— works together in harmony. This allows our love for God, and for others, to grow rich and strong."

I have been sitting here for awhile thinking of what to say regarding today's lesson. The one thing that comes to mind is focused on the word love. Anderson says that if Jesus lives in our hearts we can experience harmony and our love for God and others can grow.  For me the problem lies in what others define as love.  Even though the bible spells it out for us, people seem to interpret the scripture differently.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..."

Though it may seem clear what each of those statements mean, people have different ideas about what they look like in practice; for instance, what it means to rejoice with the truth and not delight in evil.  What is truth to one, may not be truth to another.  People believe that being transgender goes against God's will and disrupts the natural fabric of life and God's intent. For them, that is truth. So supporting such a thing is evil and unloving.  However, I believe that being unsupportive is what is unloving.  If I were to be unsupportive of my son, I would be dishonoring him, I'd be self-seeking (only concerned about what others think of me, my parenting, my spirituality), I'd be prideful. To put it simply, I'd be unloving.

Therefore, to keep my heart healthy so that I can love God and love others,  I need to practice my truth and rejoice in it. I need to protect it, trust it, put my hope in it, and persevere. If I do that, I believe that Christ will be able to make his home in my heart.

It's as Shakespeare's Polonius said, "To thine own self be true."

Be Joyful And Hopeful; Forgive, Share Your Life, And Let Go

May 15, 2017

Day 133: Spill Your Joy:
"I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!"
—John 15:11

Anderson begins today's lesson by reminding us that "Jesus died on the cross to restore our broken relationship with our heavenly Father.  We no longer have to worry about whether we measure up to God's perfect laws because Jesus has supplied our righteousness."  We don't have to be concerned about anything because Jesus has already taken care of it.  "He is the eternal well of joy, and he wants us to celebrate with him, be filled with his glory, and have our joy increase."

Then he moves in to discussing how Jesus enjoyed parties "because his first miracle took place at a wedding when the hosts ran out of wine." I'm not so sure we can tell that Jesus enjoyed parties just because his first miracle took place at a wedding, but okay.  Anderson's point is that Jesus was not "as solemn and serious as we sometimes make him out to be," which I can agree with.  I think Jesus loved life and wanted others to love it too. I believe that he wanted us to overflow with joy.

Anderson believes that "as we allow [Jesus] to pour into us, our cups will continually overflow. The joy that spills out of us will flow to our neighbors and throughout our communities. Eventually, our joy will flow to the next town, the next state, and the next country, until the entire world is soaked in the joy of Jesus."

Although I appreciate the overwhelmingly positive tone, the realist, perhaps skeptic in me sees this as a romanticized view.  Do I believe that our attitudes can impact those around us? Sure. Do I believe that we can be joyful ambassadors for Christ and affect change? Absolutely. However, I am sensitive to the fact that others may not hold the same view. I think we need to be careful and respectful in how we go about "soaking the entire world in the joy of Jesus."

Day 134: Wholly Forgiven:
"Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowances for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
—Colossians 3:12-13

This scripture fits well with day 133's lesson and my feelings about it.  We need to be tenderhearted, merciful, kind, humble, gentle, patient and forgiving, especially if we desire to soak the world in the joy of Jesus. I think too often in our efforts to spread the good news, we forget about our responsibility to be tenderhearted, merciful, patient, and most importantly gentle. Most of the trouble people have with accepting Jesus stems from their experiences with God's people. I am part of group on Facebook that was created specifically for people who have been abused and traumatized by Christian church experiences. It's deeply disturbing to me just how many people there are in this group, never mind the number of people who just haven't found such a group yet.  It's truly alarming.

Although Anderson's doesn't attempt to connect these two lessons, I believe that if we are to do as he suggests on day 133, then we need to practice today's scripture. The true point of Anderson's lesson is that we need to forgive those who hurt or offend us.  I agree that if we are unforgiving of others, we do damage to ourselves.  I actually have been questioning whether I am truly forgiving of a few people in my life.  My biological father and his wife for one and a friend of mine from my former church who was my discipler/spiritual guide. There is still a great amount of pain in my heart when I think of these people. I know that if I were asked to help any of them in any way that I would gladly do so, but I am not going out of my way to maintain a relationship with any of the them. So, is that forgiveness?  If I still feel the pain of experiences with them? If I am still guarded?  I'm not so sure. Hebrews 10:17 says, "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." If I am to forgive as God forgives, then these hurts from the past should be wiped out and I should "remember [them] no more." But believe me, I remember them.  I don't know how to truly forget.

Day 135: Telling God's Story:
"I lift my eyes to you, O God, enthroned in heaven. We keep looking to the Lord our God for his mercy, just as servants keep their eyes on their master, as a slave girl watches her mistress for the slightest signal." —Psalm 123: 1-2

This particular lesson made me well up a little. Anderson shares how he was able to say goodbye to a patient he has had for over twenty-five years. He went into Coach's room to check on him because one of the nurses at the home had asked him to, and he found Coach staring "up and to the right," in what Anderson has come to call "the gaze of glory." Coach told Dr. Anderson that he was feeling really good, but that he was "getting tired of this world" and was "ready to go."  Anderson said, "If you're gazing at glory, that's good. We'll all be okay if you go on ahead. We'll be joining you soon enough." As soon as Anderson had finished speaking, "Coach's breathing changed. It wasn't much longer before [he] sensed the parting of the veil between earth and heaven, like someone opening a door on a spring day, and Coach stepped ever so gently into eternity."

I like how Anderson describes the passing of elderly people in this book.  It is so peaceful. I wish I felt that kind of peace when my mother passed away.  

Day 136: Holding Tight To Hope:
"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." —Hebrews 10:23

The lesson shared today is about another person's passing, someone much younger, but in poor health due to an addiction to tobacco.  Before this man's passing he made it clear that he wanted CPR, but didn't want to be placed on life support. "He was content with God's timing."  The doctors and nurses tried to revive him, but CPR was unsuccessful, so after a short time they called time of death. Though this man's passing was not as serene as the previous one, Anderson still felt God's presence. He said, "As everyone else left the room, I lingered to feel God's presence. He had kept his promise to Marco to heal him for all eternity. Someday, he'll keep the same promise for us, as well."  

Though this lesson focuses on the fact that God can be trusted to keep his promises, Anderson also uses it to remind us to "record [our] end-of-life instructions. Decisions made in advance allow everyone there to be fully present in the moment."

I know for myself, I do not want to be put on life support. I also prefer to be cremated rather than buried. Don't waste the ground space. Just throw my ashes in the woods; don't place me in a jar on a mantle somewhere.

Hold tight to hope, but let me go.

A New Home Awaits

May 11, 2017

Day 129: Nothing Lasts Forever—Especially Suffering:
"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." 1 Peter 5:10

Day 130: A Renewed Heart:
"The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me." —Psalm 138:8

Day 131: Seeing His Answer:
"Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. And because of Abraham's faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn't just for Abraham's benefit. It was recorded for our benefit too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead." —Romans: 4:20-24

Day 132: A New Home Awaits:
"You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer." —Job 14:5

Crazy thing about the title for day 132's entry: My husband and I are in Canada right now sitting at the airport getting ready to return to the US. We just bought a new home for ourselves and our son. We are moving to Canada to escape the horror show that is Donald Trump and his administration. Plus we will be able to live debt free and send our son to college without him or us going into debt. Financially, it is a good decision. Healthcare wise, it is a good decision. Quality of life wise, it is a good decision. I will only be 4 hours from my brother in upstate New York and 7 hours from my brother and my nephews in Rhode Island. I am excited at the prospect of seeing my nephews more and being with my family more than once a year. It has not been an easy decision to leave my Colorado home that I have loved more than any home my entire life. It's not easy to leave a country that I have been proud to be a part of either, nor is it easy to leave my friends, but I feel as if God is intertwined in all that is taking place. The title of today's entry (as silly as it may seem) feels like confirmation that He is indeed working and is leading us in this direction.

I can relate to the scriptures that Anderson shares throughout the last four days to my life, especially right now. Although our suffering is not the kind that the people of Anderson's anecdotes have endured, we "have suffered a little while" as American citizens watching all that we have loved about our country quickly unravel as Trump has taken office. However, now it seems as if God aims to "restore, support, and strengthen" us and bring us to a place with a "firm foundation."  I know I am most likely reading more into all that is happening than is really there, but I still find it comforting. God is working "out his plans for my life."  I just need to remain faithful, like Abraham was faithful.

I have to say, I do not feel as if God counts me as righteous as He did Abraham.  All I can truly say, with any certainty, is that nothing lasts forever, hearts can be renewed, God is faithful...

And... a new home awaits.  

I Know, It's Been Awhile

May 8, 2017

I have not been keeping up with my blog lately because we are moving to Canada in less than two months and I have been packing up and staging my house. We have three fully furnished floors and a garage; ergo, I have been quite busy.  However, I have a few moments this morning, so I thought I'd try to catch up on all that Dr. Anderson has had to say.

Day 122: Clean and Free:
"In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. 'Lord,' he said, 'if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.' Jesus reached out and touched him. 'I am willing,' he said, 'Be healed!' And instantly the leprosy disappeared. Then Jesus instructed him not to tell anyone what had happened. He said, 'Go to the priest and let him examine you. Take along the offering required in the law of Moses for those who have been healed of leprosy. This will be a public testimony that you have been cleansed.'" —Luke 5:12-14

Anderson says that though leprosy can be healed today through medication the effects of the leprosy are still present. "We cannot reverse the damage already done. Scars don't magically disappear, and missing digits cannot be restored. Yet, when Jesus healed the leper, the man appeared as if he'd never had the disease." Though I have always believed that to be the case, the story itself never says or even suggests that the man was completely healed of any and all effects.  It just says he was "cleansed," that the "leprosy disappeared," not that he showed no signs of ever even having leprosy.  It's not to say that any of that changes the power of the story. It's just that I think we often assume things and make bold statements about biblical happenings as if we know exactly what went down, when in reality, we do not.

Day 123: Healing Faith:
"A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. For she thought to herself, 'If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.'" —Mark 5:25-28

I have always appreciated this story of the woman who touched Jesus in the crowd fully believing that if she did, she could be healed.  It is a story of incredible faith. The first time I read it I admired the woman and wanted to have the kind of faith that she had.  I believe there have been times in my life where I have had such faith, but if I am to be honest, it waxes and wanes.

Day 124: No Obstacles To Healing:
"Jesus went over to their synagogue, where he noticed a man with a deformed hand. The Pharisees asked Jesus, 'Does the law permit a person to work by healing on the Sabbath?'" —Matthew 12:9-10

Anderson points out that for Jesus "There are no roadblocks to healing... We know that we can confidently call of Jesus to meet our needs—even on the Sabbath. He's never closed for business. His healing isn't limited to a specific group of people. He doesn't need permission. And his resources are unlimited," unlike today, where we are inundated with "artificial barriers" to treatment: insurance companies, hours of operation, needing special referrals, costs of treatment....the list goes on.

Day 125: Set Free From The Lies:
"If the Son sets you free, you are truly free." —John 8:26

Anderson's lesson today is wonderful and heartwarming, or at least it should be.  He shares a story about a man who entered a rehab center and found Jesus.  The man told Anderson, "Jesus found me when I was in a very dark hole. He pulled me out, dusted me off, cleansed my heart and soul, and called me his, even though I'd run from him for years. I want to help others find the truth and stop listening to the lies of the enemy."

Yes, I appreciate the fact that the man found Jesus and was freed from his addiction.  What makes me pull back a little is the last few words, "the lies of the enemy." It just gives me flashbacks to former church experiences.  It is interesting how just a few words can trigger a flight response in me, that desire to retreat and pull back.  The effects of my former experiences run so deep. I am surprised by just how deep.

Day 126:  Get To Know Him
"The Lord is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all his creation." —Psalm 145:9

The best part of what Anderson had to say in today's lesson is this: God is "not standing with a sledgehammer, waiting to bash us. No, he showers us with grace. When we are lost and not even looking for him, he pursues us..."

I believe that to be true, most of the time. When I was reading what Anderson had to say, I was picturing Jesus in place of God. Jesus is not "   standing with a sledgehammer, waiting to bash us."  I still battle with my image of God Himself.  I still see Him as being somewhat separate from Jesus, though I know that they are one.

Day 127: In God's Time, It's Never Too Late:
"Even when there was no reason for hope. Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, 'That's how many descendants you will have!' And Abraham's faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was a good as dead—and so was Sarah's womb." —Romans 4:18-19

When I was younger I was intrigued by the story of Abraham, especially when he was willing to sacrifice his son.  The whole time I kept thinking, "God is not going to let Abraham go through with it. Surely God will stop his hand before he harms his son."  And He did.  I also used to think about how Isaac must have felt knowing that something was up.  Why was there no lamb for the sacrifice? Where was the lamb? How horrified he must of been to learn that he was the lamb. How brave he was for not running away from his father.  He must have believed that God would not allow him to be sacrificed.  Still, it must have been a very frightening experience.  No one ever delves into Isaac's response to the situation, just Abraham's faith, but I'd say Isaac's faith is even more incredible.

Day 128: God's Grace Is For All:
"God knows people's hearts, and he confirmed that he accepts Gentiles by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as he did to us. He made no distinction between us and them, for he cleansed their hearts through faith...We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the underserved grace of the Lord Jesus." —Acts 15:8-9, 11

Reading Anderson's story today about the aftermath of a horrible car crash, it struck me just how hard it must be for Anderson to witness so much pain and trauma day in and day out, especially when he believes as he does. The emotional and physical pain he witnesses, it must take its toll on him now and again. I suppose he would say it is because of his relationship with God that he is able to handle what comes at him everyday.  It really makes you appreciate doctors and nurses.

All We Have To Do

May 2, 2017

Day 119: We're As Sick As The Secrets We Keep:
"Oh what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honestly!" —Psalm 32:1-2

As I was reading the scripture I thought, "Why does it always come back to sin?" As a parent, I don't want my child to constantly think about what he has done wrong and how much he needs my forgiveness. It just bothers me that so much of our walk with God seems to be focused on groveling and feeling unworthy of His love. It's not that I think I am incredibly worthy, I just know that I wouldn't want my child to feel unworthy, like he has to behave in just the right way or he will lose my love and approval.

Anderson's lesson today is about not keeping secrets.  Secrets, in the sense that Anderson uses the word, is really about hidden sin. Trying to hide something from someone else when we clearly know that what we are hiding is wrong in the first place, can lead us down a dark path.  Repent and ask for forgiveness is the only way to deal with such sin and free ourselves from its power.  Though I don't like how much today's lesson reminds me of my former church experiences, there is truth to it.  

Day 120: Tug-Of-War Between Joy and Grief:
"I entrust my spirit into your hands. Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God." —Psalm 31:5

The main point of Anderson's lesson today is that the grief we feel at the passing of someone we love is "just as important as the joy we feel" knowing that they will be going on to heaven and leaving "this broken world."

I'd like to say that I felt joy for my mother when she passed away, but I did not.  I felt a great many things, but joy was not one of them.

Day 121: Soul Survivor:
"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say." —2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

In today's lesson, Anderson shares a story about a young man who nearly lost his life because he sat on train tracks while he was drunk and high and didn't see the train until it was too late. Trey claims that he remembers the "train screeching to a stop. It was as if time stood still in that moment. A light that was so bright surrounded me, and I couldn't see anything else. Then this lone figure approached. It was a man, and he reached out for me. It was my grandfather, and he was asking me if I was ready to go with him." His grandfather had passed away ten years earlier. Trey spent six months in a coma, but he says, "The day I woke up was the same day my parents had agreed to remove me from life support. But somehow, Jesus protected me and helped me."

Anderson ends by reminding us that "No matter how bad the train wreck, God can put your life back on track."

I like Anderson's lesson today. Perhaps it's the English teacher in me; I just really appreciate metaphors. There have been times when I have felt that my life is a train wreck, but God has a way of putting me back on track...if I allow Him to.

Regardless of what we have done, what secrets we have kept, what internal battles we may have, God can help us overcome it all.  All we have to do is ask.