It's My Choice

June 20, 2017

Day 168: Presence In The Present Moment:
"Can all you worries add a single moment to your life?" —Matthew 6:27

I want to write about Anderson's lesson of how everyone at the death of this man Paul showed their worries on their faces until Anderson told them, "I feel the presence of the Holy One in the room right now, and it won't be long [until Paul passes]. But only the Lord knows exactly when that will be." I want to write about how wonderful it is that Anderson's words could make the family's "worry lines [soften] as [they] began to understand that [they] were on holy ground...and a sense of peace that surpasses understanding seemed to fill everyone in the room."  I want to write about all of that, but my mind is off somewhere else.

Ever have those mornings where you wake up and you're just uncomfortable in your body? You can feel your clothes clinging to your thighs and stomach and you hate yourself. Sometimes, for me, that feeling lasts for a moment or two. Other times it is all day.  Honestly, my body is not much different than yesterday, but it feels different.  I feel thicker somehow and I hate it.  Then I go downstairs to get a coffee and see that once again my husband has left remnants of his breakfast on multiple counters and it just irks me! Why? Why can't he clean up after himself?

It's on days like these that I need to stop my mind from whirling into darkness. Do I really care that my husband didn't clean up his breakfast or am I just upset because of how I woke up feeling? I think the latter.  So what do I do about it?  To be honest, I started to blame these new birth control pills that I have been taking.  I did not want my pill changed, but the ones I have used for years were supposedly out of stock, so some Dr., who I have never seen, prescribed something similar. I take birth control pills to keep my moods balanced. When I wasn't on birth control I was depressed and at times experienced suicidal ideation. So being on the right pill is important to me. Normally in the first few weeks of a new pack of pills I feel great, happy, content, productive. But not with this new set of pills.  My problem is that I am unsure if it is the new pill making me feel this way, or if it is all the added stress of my son's surgery, my estranged father being in the hospital and not being able to see him or even knowing if I should try to see him, us moving to Canada and not being sure if the money to pay for the truck will arrive in time, everyday having to have the house ready to show at a moment's notice, and generally feeling like I can't work on projects because I may need to clean up at any moment. So is it the pill or is it simply stress?

Regardless of what it is, all my worries cannot add a single moment to my life. In fact as Dr. Anderson put it, "neither can it take a moment away."  I am simply in the middle of a transition in my life and transitions are often difficult.  Many changes are taking place at once and the last time this happened in my life I did not handle it well.  I have spoken of it before [death of my mother, financial problems, church issues]. I am determined to find the joy in this transition. I have so much to be grateful for. So much:

My husband's success as an author
Being able to live in Colorado for the last three years
Having had the chance to travel to Australia
Being able to send our son on trips to Australia, Japan, England, Scotland, and New York City
Having the time to focus on my health and fitness after years of neglect
Getting the opportunity to open a craft business
Getting to experience a new country and be closer to my family as we head to Canada

But the greatest of all of these and more is that we have been able to help our child in a way that would have never been possible before. Moving to Colorado put us in the best position to help our son mentally, emotionally, and physically. We have had the best education, the most supportive community, and above all, easy access to the best health care professionals for transgender kids. My son was able to have top surgery two weeks ago and he has never felt better. Last Friday when he and I went for our usual drive, he looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said, "For the first time I feel right. I feel happy in my own skin. It's euphoric!"  He just couldn't believe how good he felt and was all choked up thinking about it.  It made me well up too.  There really is no greater feeling than knowing your child is happy through and through.

So yeah, I may have woken up in a mood, but I have a choice. I can choose to allow that mood to poison my day, making me feel bad about myself and worry about things that are out of my control, or I can choose to be grateful and trust.

I choose gratefulness and trust.