Heart of Gold

April 16, 2017  Easter Sunday

Day 106: A Generational Train of Believers:
"Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands." —Deuteronomy 7:9

I seem to be having a rather confrontational attitude as of late. This scripture's last line made me think, "Of course He lavishes His unfailing love on those who love Him and obey His commands. However, we are called to love everyone, regardless of how they treat us, but it's okay if God doesn't?"  What!?

Where is this attitude coming from? I'm not sure.  It's Easter Sunday. Shouldn't I be holding on to the words of this scripture with passion and fire because I am doing my best to obey His commands and show my love for Him and His creation?  Why should I feel a twinge in my heart at hearing such words?  

Today is Easter and I have chosen not to attend the Easter service at my new church. It took awhile for me to be okay with this. My best friend and my husband helped me to see that not attending was okay. A few days ago my husband actually found me in the shower crying over being so conflicted about attending service.  Easter is not the joyous occasion for me that it should be. It is laden with guilt and shame. My friend, Amelia, in a blog entry she wrote captured my feelings about Easter. For me it "brings memories of guilt-laden, gore-filled teachings meant to impose the sense of seriousness and moral responsibility necessary to fully appreciate the grace of Easter."  I don't think that my former church meant to give me that impression, but it did none the less. Plus there was always a big push to bring visitors and report back to your discipler when you had someone coming, so everyone could be sure to lavish them will welcoming attention. The whole thing was high pressure and not truly genuine. Suffice to say, I was dreading hearing an Easter sermon.

I wish I could explain exactly how it happened, or why I allowed myself to be so manipulated. I believed what I was told. I trusted the people leading us. Anytime that I questioned, doubted, or felt uncomfortable about something, I suppressed it, thinking I was being selfish, self-seeking, and defiant to God's will, which of course led to shame and guilt and self-effacing acts. My best friend, just this morning as I have been typing this entry, texted me something that made me tear up. In regards to me missing service today she said, "If each required act of self-betrayal contributed to the overall way you feel now, then maybe each small act to honor your soul can help repair the damage." I found her words to be deeply encouraging. She always seems to know just what to say.  So...

Here's to repairing the damage
Here's to honoring the soul
Here's to my best friend
The one with a heart of gold.